Sommer Marsden - Once Bitten Twice Shy

August sat at the island, sipping her tepid coffee. ‘I must not have put my business card in that packet of stationery. I’ll give you one to take to her.’ She indicated the other seat. ‘Sit. Eat.’

He dropped onto the stool, pulled the bagel forward and took a big bite. August found herself watching his hands again, realising she’d grown somewhat fixated on them. Not just how big they were, or the small evidence of scars and nicks on the skin, but how they might feel on her skin. Running up her thigh. Holding her down…

She blinked, realising he was talking. ‘Sorry?’ she said.

‘I said that the show for Alice’s work is Monday. Can you still make it?’

She almost said no. It was on the tip of her tongue, but instead she nodded. ‘Sure thing. I’m looking forward to it.’

‘Great. She’ll be thrilled. She’s still kind of shy about her work. We’ve been friends since sixth grade. Alice was always winning awards for her art, but until she met Tonya, her girlfriend, she was too afraid to try it as a career.’ He shook his head and polished off his bagel. ‘I’ve never understood talented people being afraid to be talented.’

Jack walked to the trash can and tossed the paper plate and his napkin. He stretched, looking at the pictures in magnet frames on her fridge. ‘Is this you?’

She couldn’t see what picture he was pointing too but she had a feeling. Her stomach sank and she took a deep breath. Going to stand next to him she studied the picture of her and Aaron on the beach right before he died. She really didn’t register it any more, it had been up there so long. The image only seemed to become visible to her on bad days, the hard days. ‘Yep, that’s me at the tender age of eighteen.’

He let out a low whistle and she blushed. ‘Haven’t changed much,’ he said. ‘In fact, I’d say you’ve gotten prettier.’

‘Liar,’ she said. She crossed her arms and tried to not let the sinking feeling overwhelm her. The inevitable was about to happen. She could feel it.

Again, Kendall’s words echoed back to her. Despite her refusal to take them to heart, her face felt cold, her heart too fast.

‘Not lying.’ His voice was softer than it had been and he was watching her in that certain unnameable way men had. ‘You’re pretty here,’ he said, pointing to the magnet. ‘You’re beautiful here,’ he said, levelling that finger at her briefly.

Her face went from cold to hot in an instant.

‘He died,’ she said before she could stop herself. ‘Aaron. That’s him with me in the picture. We were engaged, fresh out of high school, on a…’ She shook her head but forced herself to go on. Somehow confessing this to Jack felt important. ‘Pre-honeymoon is what he called it. And his wave runner…’ She swallowed hard and pushed on. ‘Exploded. It was clearly defective, he’d been drinking – we both had – and if I’d just played the don’t drink and drive, even water vehicles, card, he might still be alive.’

Jack’s eyes were wide, surprised, but also very concerned. He ran his hand down her arm and finally clasped her hand. August felt her pulse jump. ‘August, that’s…I’m so sorry. But you don’t blame yourself, do you? You can’t. There was no way you could have known.’

‘I had a weird feeling.’

He smiled but it was a small, controlled smile. ‘We all have weird feelings all the time. Very few of us act on them. Very few of us notice them.’

She took a deep breath and a step back, breaking their contact.

He let her go easily and shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘Is this why you’re so…’ He shrugged. ‘Self-sufficient, as you put it?’

‘Partly.’

He looked uncertain but finally spoke. ‘There’s more? Worse than that?’

‘Yes and no,’ she said. Then she laughed. It was a bitter sound and she flinched. ‘I’m eating up your day with my tales of woe. But this is part of why it’s so important to me that this art thing is just friends. Whether you understand or not – whether anyone does – it’s how it has to be. So…is that OK?’

He looked at her seriously and her heart gave a kick. She wanted more coffee or a nap or just to curl up in a ball and cry. ‘August, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Ever. Especially not me. I’m just the lawn guy.’ He grinned at her. ‘Friends it is. Absolutely.’

She watched him walk out of the tiny kitchen, her emotions in such a tangle she didn’t know up from down.

I’m just the lawn guy…

‘No, you’re not,’ she said in the empty room. ‘You’re my first real temptation.’

‘You didn’t do anything,’ Carley said, fishing out a bite of lo mein .

She’d completely ignored August’s refusal of company and food and had showed up right at dinner time toting a nice box of Cab, takeout containers, and chocolate cookies from the local bakery.

‘Exactly. I should have stopped him,’ August muttered, nibbling a shrimp. She wasn’t very hungry but the smell of Chinese had tempted her into at least a few bites.

‘Because of a feeling? Honey, I do stuff against all my weird feelings all the time. Usually nothing happens. Sometimes it does. I know for a fact that you wouldn’t berate me for doing what you did. But you have no reason to keep crucifying yourself for something you couldn’t have controlled.’

August shrugged. She had no real response.

‘And don’t you think twelve years is long enough to torture yourself?’

Another shrug. A sip of wine. August was exhausted. Her arms were almost too heavy to move.

‘But I do find one part of this story interesting,’ Carley said. She bit into an egg roll and eyed August, those bright green eyes twinkling with what looked like mischief.

‘What?’ August practically sighed.

‘That you actually cared enough to even explain any of this stuff to this guy Jack. That, my friend, is a hurdle you haven’t cleared in ages. You usually feel no need to explain your hermitude.’

August chewed thoughtfully. ‘It seemed right.’

‘Which is heartening!’

‘Don’t get your hopes up, Carley. He’s a guy who I find handsome, I feel attracted to him, but that doesn’t change anything. I’m not ready.’

‘Six years is ages not to be ready. The last roll in the hay you had was with Brian and you cut him loose the moment he started giving you cow eyes.’

‘That was a bad idea anyway.’

‘What was?’ Carley asked. Her red lips were pressed together and she almost looked angry. August found it amusing that Carley often got angry with her on her own behalf. ‘Having a sexual outlet with a guy who was actually kind and cared about you as opposed to Kendall the abusive asshole?’

‘I have bad luck with men.’

‘No. You’re trying, constantly, to fit new men into an Aaron-shaped mould.’

August blinked, dangerously on the verge of tears.

Carley caught the look, sighed and grabbed her friend’s hand. ‘I’m sorry. That sounded very asshole-ish if I do say so myself. What I am trying, in my foot-in-mouth way, to say is this: Kendall was a fluke. A one-off. He’s not the first man in history to be abusive toward an already damaged soul. Brian loved you. Too much and you weren’t ready. You wanted sex, he wanted you. But this guy, this guy is coming along at a good time in your life. Maybe, just maybe, you should give him a shot. It’s been twelve years since Aaron, eleven since you gave Kendall the jerk a shot, and six since you cut Brian loose. You’re young.’

August laughed. Her second bitter laugh of the day.

‘You are,’ Carley said, squeezing her hand. ‘And those are some long years to be alone even with my stellar company.’