Jean Ure - Hunky Dory

Jem ma Mason Rachel Cornforth and Amelia Rose Slaughter

Cover Page

Title Page Hunky Dory JEAN URE

Dedication Jem ma Mason Rachel Cornforth and Amelia Rose Slaughter

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Also by Jean Ure

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About the Publisher

I am having terrible trouble with girls. They won’t leave me alone! This morning in geography this girl in my class, Amy Wilkerson, deliberately came and sat next to me. I mean, like, out of about three zillion empty seats she had to come and park herself next to me . Why did she do this? It was extremely embarrassing, especially when she started getting all cosy and leaning up against me so she could talk to her friend Sharleen on the other side of the gangway. Why didn’t she go and sit next to Sharleen? That’s what she normally does. Why does she want to come squashing herself all over me?

I really like geography, it’s one of my favourite classes, but how can you concentrate when there’s someone nudging you all the time, and breathing over you, and banging at you with their knees? She ruined it for me! I couldn’t get away from her. Plus she’s lefthanded, so whenever we had to write stuff our hands kept touching. I’m sure they didn’t have to keep touching. If she hadn’t been hunched right up close to me they wouldn’t have. It was almost like she wanted them to. So now I’ve got a messy page in my geography book where my handwriting suddenly jerks up and down where she’s jogged me. I try to keep my stuff tidy. I don’t like it all messy! I hope she doesn’t think she’s going to make a habit of this, cos if she does I shall have to—

I don’t know! I don’t know what I shall do. It’s getting beyond a joke! Amy Wilkerson is not the only one. The other day, in art, Janine Edwards kept beaming at me. I’m not imagining it! Every time I looked up, she caught my eye and she beamed. What was she beaming for???

It’s quite scary. They’re all at it! Beaming, breathing, giggling. It’s even happening with Year 6. On my way out of school this afternoon there was a great gaggle of them, hanging around by the main gate. I recognised some of them from when I was in Juniors; I think they may be friends of the Microdot (otherwise known as my sister). When they saw me they all started to giggle and squeak and stuff their hands into their mouths. It’s very off-putting when girls behave like that. I had to keep looking at myself in shop windows to check I’d got my clothes on right. I still don’t know what they were giggling at. It makes me very self-conscious.

Maybe that’s why they do it? Maybe it’s their secret weapon. They get together in groups and lurk about, waiting for boys to giggle at. But why pick on me???

I didn’t mean to write all that. All that about girls. They are not part of my plan and I don’t know how they got there. From now on I am going to ignore them. They are going to be KEPT OUT.

Right. That’s it! They’ve gone. Now I can get started on what I was going to get started on before I was interrupted. By girls .

What follows is the official autobiography of my life so far. So far as I have lived it, which is eleven years plus nine months, three days, and probably a little bit extra, only I am not sure of the exact time I was born as Mum says she can’t remember. She just says vaguely that it was “in the early hours of the morning”.

That is typical of Mum! She is quite a slapdash sort of person. Anyway, however long I have lived it makes a total of at least one hundred and eight thousand and forty-four hours (not counting leap years). That might not seem a lot to some people—my granddad, for instance, who is almost eighty—but I think I have lived long enough to make a start. One day when I am famous as an expert on dinosaurs, people might be quite curious to read about my early struggles. Not just with Amy Wilkerson but with my family, and especially with the Microdot. Getting them to take me seriously . That is my biggest struggle.

Now that I have started, I am not sure what to put in and what to leave out. There is not much to be said about my beginnings; they were just quite ordinary. There isn’t anything much to say about where I live, either. That is also quite ordinary. A bit depressing, really, though I do my best not to dwell on it. I’m sure that lots of people who are now famous had what Dad calls “humble oranges” (he means humble origins; it is Dad’s idea of a joke. He is always coming out with these things).

I suppose I should say something about where I go to school, except that I can’t really think of anything much worth saying. School is also just ordinary! But one day people might be interested. I think I shall make headings.

School

Easthaven High.

I am in Year 7, and these are my favourite lessons:

Geography

Science

Maths

These are my least favourite lessons:

French

PE

Cross country running. (This is not really a lesson but we have to do it once a week and it is like a form of torture.)

I expect I would quite enjoy English if we could read more interesting books, instead of the rather soppy ones that Mrs Baxter always goes for, and I would definitely like history if we could do the Triassic Period, but Mr Islip says this is not on the curriculum as no one knows enough about it. Pardon me, but I know enough about it! I bet I could do an entire exam on the Triassic Period. Just because Mr Islip is ignorant, I don’t think he should accuse other people of being so. He didn’t even know when the Triassic Period was! He thought it was only about two million years ago. When I told him it was twenty-three million, he just said, “Well, there you are. That proves my point.” Actually, all it proves is that even teachers don’t necessarily have any idea what they’re talking about.

Anyway, that is enough about school. On the whole it’s not a bad sort of place. The worst thing about it is where it is: right next door to the Juniors. This means that the Microdot and her friends can gather and giggle every day if they want, and there is nothing that I can do to stop them. And there is no other way of getting out of school! Not that the Microdot was actually there when they were giggling, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she was the one that organised it.

“Go and wait by the gates until my brother comes out and then start giggling!”

I can just hear her. It’s just the sort of thing she’d do. I’m not going to ask her about it; I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. And if she dares ask me , like, “Did you notice my friends when you left school today?” I shall simply say, “Friends? What friends? I didn’t know you had any.” I mean, what were they giggling about ?

Now I have gone and upset myself again. I think I shall make a list. Any list! List of my family.

My Family Oliver Jones. My dad.

My dad is very long and thin, with big hands and feet which people tease him about. Recently he has developed a bald patch on the top of his head. He is very sensitive about his bald patch, so that sometimes he combs his hair over it in a vain attempt to stop it showing. Mum says he is being ridiculous. “A man of your age!” Personally I think that is a bit unfair, cos how would she like to go bald?

Dad is a wood sculptor. He works in his shed in the back garden, sculpting wood strange and curious shapes. People pay him for this. When they are not paying him—when there are not enough people who want bits of wood in strange and curious shapes—he makes rustic