Stephen Walker - Mr Landen Has No Brain

‘That may explain his odd behaviour since coming away with me. I’d been putting it down to lust but total brainlessness would provoke identical behaviour in a man.’

‘Teena?’

‘Uh huh?’

‘How can a man live without a brain?’

‘Many people live without a brain.’

‘No one I know does.’

‘Are you sure?’

Uncle Al leapt to mind. She pushed him aside.

Teena said, ‘When autopsied, one in thirty people are found to have had little or no brain function in life. It’s a mystery of modern science. Statistically speaking, you know someone with no brain.’

Cthulha leapt to mind. Sally pushed her aside.

Teena said, ‘The media exaggerates the brain’s importance. For a woman such as myself, a brain’s indispensable. But for an average person, like you, its main use is as ballast whilst swimming.’

‘So your invention won’t work.’

‘No.’

‘And you’ve ruined my sandwich toaster.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you’ve ruined my washing machine.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you’ve ruined my TV.’

‘Yes.’

‘And I can’t have coffee.’

‘No.’

‘And I can’t watch TV.’

‘No.’

‘And I can’t do the washing.’

‘No.’

‘So what can I do?’

Teena shrugged. ‘Is there anyone you know whose brain needs controlling?’

‘Only yours.’

Last thing that night, Teena lay on the top bunk, reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and scrubbing out the wrong bits. One of these days she was going to have to have a word with Mr Hawking.

‘Teena?’ Sally appeared in the doorway. Clearly hiding something behind her back she beamed, ‘I’ve been thinking.’

‘Yeah?’

‘As you don’t like being sellotaped to your bunk at nights, I’ve thought of a better way to keep you safe.’

Teena squinted at her distrustingly. ‘And that’d be …?’

From behind her back, looking far too proud of herself, Sally Cooper produced a full set of, ‘Chains!’

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