Annie Groves - Only a Mother Knows

‘Don’t let me keep you, Nancy, I’m sure you must be very busy,’ Olive managed to say, only just subduing her laughter until they heard the front door slam.

‘Oh, Mum, you are a one,’ Tillie laughed, hugging her sides as she rolled on the arm of the chair. Olive was glad to see that Tilly was in good spirits; the war seemed to have made her a little too serious than was good for her and she was pleased that Tilly had suggested she might go to the pictures with Dulcie on Saturday night.

‘Well, serves her right, frosty-faced perisher, she …’ Olive stopped herself just in time when the back door opened and Sally came into the room. Then, in a more sober tone, she said, ‘I don’t know what’s got into me lately, I would never have said boo to a goose before the war.’ She was laughing softly as Sally was followed by Dulcie, clad now in her dressing gown as she entered the front room. Tilly was laughing still, glad to see her mother carefree for a change.

‘Are you going to share the joke?’ Dulcie asked, so glad to be home. Her ‘episode’ in the air-raid shelter with Reece Redgrave had been played over and over again in her mind even though she tried to force herself not to think of it; a trick she’d learned years ago when her mother ignored her in favour of Edith, it was her safety mechanism and it worked well usually, but not tonight. The air-raid tryst was something she was going to try her very best to forget. But she had the feeling it was going to be difficult, very difficult indeed.

‘Alice is awake if you want to see her before you eat your supper, Sally,’ Olive said. ‘I put her down for the night but she’s a bit fretful since the air-raid siren went off.’

I know how she feels, Dulcie thought, then remembering the envelope she said to Tilly, ‘This was on the mat in the hall.’ She handed over the letter.

‘It is Drew’s handwriting,’ Tilly said, surprised and pleased all at the same time.

‘He adores you so much he even sends you love letters a couple of hours after he’s seen you,’ Sally chuckled. But their happy chatter faded when there was a volley of impatient-sounding raps on the front door.

‘I’ll go,’ Tilly said but was stopped by her mother who looked a little concerned and hurried to the hall. ‘Wait there, I’ll see to it,’ Olive called over her shoulder.

‘One day Mum will see I’m not a little girl any more and quite able to answer the front door in the blackout,’ Tilly laughed but her amusement was short-lived when she saw Drew standing behind her mother.

‘You’d better go into the corridor,’ Olive told Tilly, her eyes troubled. ‘Drew has something he wants to say to you.’ Tilly felt her heart slump in her chest; this didn’t look good. It didn’t look good at all.

‘Drew?’ was all she could manage before she noticed his suitcase. No! Her mind refused to believe what she could see with her own eyes.

She didn’t like this. Not one bit. Drew hadn’t dressed in his best suit to go fire-watching. Her instincts were bristling now, telling her that no matter what he was about to say, there was nothing she could do about it.

‘I have to go. Forthwith.’ Drew made an attempt at humour but it didn’t work.

‘Forthwith?’ Tilly asked, bemused, but his answer came all too swiftly, and a chill sliced right through her.

‘It means I have to go away tonight.’ Drew’s voice dropped to a whisper as he gazed into her tearful blue eyes. ‘Now. Immediately. I have to catch the flight my father has arranged tonight …’ His smile slipped a little and she could see tears brimming in his eyes.

‘You mean you can get a flight to the States at such short notice, even though you’re not in the Forces?’

‘If there are seats available you can be sure my father will wangle one,’ Drew said.

‘Why do you have to go, Drew?’ Tilly’s voice was barely a whisper as she asked the question. His mother was ill, he was telling her. He would be back some time soon. Some time, soon? She couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him every day.

‘I knew I would have to go back someday, you knew that, tell me you did, Tilly.’ Drew searched her face as if imprinting her beauty on his memory forever. ‘I tried to leave you with the letter but I couldn’t. I had to see you one more time …’ He tried to keep the obvious misery from his voice but eventually he accepted defeat as his shoulders slumped and all his jovial bravado disappeared. ‘Tilly, I gotta say …’ There was a strange look in his eyes, like he was trying to read her, ‘today was swell, I never wanted it to end …’

‘I’ll never see you again!’ Tilly gasped the words that suddenly struck her, forcing them from her lips. She wanted to get away from this, be anywhere except listening to her one true love tell her he was going tonight. This isn’t right, she thought frantically, first she lost her father then her grandparents – now Drew was leaving her, too. She’d never get over it, she wouldn’t! Tilly could see his beautiful lips moving and forced herself to concentrate.

‘I won’t be gone forever, Tilly, you know that, don’t you?’ Drew gently took her in his strong arms. But Tilly didn’t know any such thing. His plane could be shot down in the middle of the Atlantic. His father might not allow him to come back. Anything could happen.

‘You’re too beautiful to stay away from, my darling, you make my every day complete …’

‘I don’t know what I’ll do without you.’ Tilly blinked her tears away but more came.

‘My mother is very ill.’ He looked down at her for a long time as if trying to choose the right words. But there were none. Drew took a long, deep breath, whilst Tilly tried to swallow the restriction in her throat that had suddenly threatened to choke her.

‘Do you remember when I told you that I may have to go back to the States someday?’ Tilly nodded like a child who needed to be reassured and he continued, ‘I prayed every night that they could find a cure for Mom, and for a while that seemed to be the case.’ Tears were running freely down his handsome face now. ‘I longed to stay with you in this wonderful, devastated place where there is so much love, and a kind of freedom I never had before …’

‘Oh, Drew,’ Tilly whispered, unable to say any more when he gently placed the tip of his finger on her lips.

‘I dreamed we would set up home together. I planned to build us a house when this war is over … our children go to decent schools, be happy and free. I dreamed that one day we would have the perfect life, oh, honey, please don’t cry any more, I can’t bear it …’ Drew gently outlined her face, his touch almost imperceptible, before kissing her tears away. ‘I will come back to you as soon as I can, I promise.’

Tilly had to believe his words or how else could she let him go? They had both known he would have to go home someday. But it would always be too soon.

‘I will come for you, believe me.’ The forced smile on his lips did not reach his eyes and Tilly could not control her agony any longer. Her body gave way to deep, shuddering, convulsive sobs and he held her for a long time, until she was exhausted.

‘Oh, Drew,’ Tilly said eventually, calmer now, remembering the unopened letter still in her hands. ‘Were you really going to leave me without saying goodbye?’

‘I couldn’t – I know that now.’ His words, low, threaded through her hair.

‘You promised that you would take care of me,’ Tilly said, her head on his chest, longing to behave with dignity, since she didn’t want him to remember her with red, swollen eyes and a blotchy face, but it was useless, she couldn’t control this desperate emotion that was seizing her and in the end she didn’t care that she was making a fool of herself.