Nadiya Hussain - The Fall and Rise of the Amir Sisters

‘So am I.’

She pulled his face towards her and kissed him. His mouth tasted minty and his beard bristled on her face. She had a memory of the way they used to kiss and it stirred something up inside her.

‘Farah,’ he mumbled.

‘Mhmm.’

‘Farah, stop.’ He pulled away, looking at her. ‘What’s got into you?’

Why was he being so difficult? After the way the night had gone, how could he not want to make it better by giving her just one chance?

‘ Me? ’ she said, sitting up. ‘I’m your wife. How are we ever going to get pregnant if we don’t have sex?’

He took a deep breath and sat up with her. ‘I didn’t know we were trying again.’

‘We should always be trying.’

‘Listen, I know this thing with Fatti must be hard for you right now, but I told you, I’m not in the mood.’

‘Oh, of course, your mood.’

He rubbed his forehead. ‘If this was the other way around you know that I’d never force you.’

She scoffed. ‘I didn’t realize sleeping with me was such a task.’

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

Farah tried to relax – tension didn’t help getting pregnant, that’s what numerous articles and bloggers said. It’s all about de-stressing as well as things like ovulation and science.

‘Well then?’ She put her hand on his face, stroking his beard.

He patted her hand and went to move it away, but she kept it there, forcing it to his face.

‘For God’s sake, Farah,’ he shouted.

He pushed her away and leapt out of bed. She leaned back, pulling the covers over her. Mustafa’s shadow seemed to her foreboding and foreign in that moment, and her heart began to thud.

‘Mustafa…’

‘What the hell are you playing at? What’s wrong with you?’

He said it with such a look of disgust it brought unexpected tears to her eyes. Everything is wrong with me. I’m a woman who can’t even have a baby . She knew she shouldn’t think like this because that’s not all a woman is, but she couldn’t help feeling it. She’d wanted a family of her own since she could remember. So many years had been spent trying and dreaming of what it would be like that she didn’t know how to want anything else. It’d be like teaching herself not to breathe.

‘Don’t make me feel bad, because you can’t conceive,’ he added.

Before she could even take in the words he’d spouted, he’d left the room, slamming the door behind him.

‘Oh, God,’ she whispered, putting her hands to her face and letting the stream of tears come out.

That night she sobbed herself into a dreamless sleep.

When Farah woke up the following morning her eyes felt sore and her vision was blurred. She reached out to Mustafa’s side of the bed and when she realized he wasn’t there the preceding night came back to her. She closed her eyes again and put her head under the cover, trying to block out the all-in-one shame of rejection and accusation.

Did Mustafa not want a family any more, or did he just not want her? Did he really blame her as much as she blamed herself? She hadn’t ever imagined a Mustafa who’d say such a thing. All this culpability really did exhaust her. She kept her eyes closed until she fell asleep again.

This time Farah awoke to clattering. It was coming from the kitchen. As she swung her legs over the bed she still couldn’t open her eyes. She grabbed her dressing gown and pulled it over herself, trying to steady her feet. The words beat in her ears: Don’t make me feel bad because you can’t conceive. She opened her eyes as her face flushed in anger. She didn’t need her husband to feel the same way she felt about herself. That’s not how it worked with them. It never had and it wouldn’t damn well start now.

She ran down the stairs without even brushing her teeth or washing her face, the gunk from last night’s make-up gathered in the corners of her eyes. Farah burst through the living room that led to the kitchen, ready to point her finger at Mustafa and shout at him. She wasn’t sure what she’d say yet, but anger was best served improvised. She stopped. He was hunched over the hob, frying some eggs. Their small table was set with two plates and cutlery. Mustafa turned her head towards her, giving her such a sad smile that all her anger fell away.

‘Hi,’ he said.

She looked at the table again.

‘I made us breakfast,’ he added when she didn’t speak.

‘I see that.’

He went to the fridge. ‘Juice?’

She shook her head.

‘Coffee or tea?’ he asked.

‘Is this –’

‘I’m sorry,’ he interrupted. He paused, looking dishevelled in his shorts and T-shirt. ‘I don’t even know what I said.’

‘You said not having babies was my fault.’

Mustafa bowed his head. She thought he might let the carton of juice fall to the floor the way it dangled in his hands.

‘I lost my temper,’ he said, head still bowed.

When he looked up Farah saw tears in his eyes. She had the urge to go up to him and hug him, but couldn’t bring herself to move.

‘Yeah, you did.’

She saw the flash of something in his eyes – was that anger again? Mustafa looked as though he might say something.

‘What?’ she asked.

He paused. ‘Nothing.’

She went and took a seat at the table. ‘Go on,’ she encouraged him.

‘It just… forget it,’ he finally said.

He put the carton down and brought the rest of the breakfast to the table, setting his pills beside his plate. They ate in silence for a while. Farah kept looking at her husband, biting into his eggs and toast, taking a sip of tea with a faraway look. He downed the pills.

‘Do you still…’ Farah gripped her mug of tea tighter. ‘The baby – you still want one, don’t you?’

‘Hmm?’ Mustafa looked up at her.

‘It’s like you’re on another planet,’ she said. ‘Did you hear me?’

She couldn’t quite read his expression.

‘Sorry,’ he said.

‘Do you still want a baby?’

Mustafa leaned forward and took Farah’s hand as she put her mug down.

‘I want us .’

She looked at him, confused. ‘We have us. Us is sat right here.’

But even as the words came out she knew how hollow they were. Mustafa let go of her hand and just gave a small smile.

‘Fatti and Ash seem really happy, don’t they?’ he said.

She nodded.

‘She deserves it,’ he added.

‘She does.’

Farah played with the toast in her hands.

‘You want more tea?’ he asked.

Just then the phone rang. Farah went to pick it up and it was Bubblee.

‘You all right?’ Bubblee asked.

The scene from Mae’s party pushed itself to the fore of Farah’s brain.

‘Yeah, great. Fine. What’s going on?’

Bubblee paused. ‘Not much.’

‘What time are you leaving for London?’

‘You know, I thought with Mae leaving at the end of the week and all… I thought I might as well stay,’ replied Bubblee.

‘Oh. Right.’

Bubblee paused again. All this pausing didn’t suit her. Farah glanced over at Mustafa who was stabbing at his eggs and realized she wasn’t listening to Bubblee’s response.

‘. . . another week or so.’

‘Okay. What about work?’ asked Farah, turning back so Mustafa stopped distracting her.

Pause.

‘I’ve got some holidays. Plus, Sasha can cover for me at the gallery while I’m here.’

Farah wondered why Bubblee would forsake an extra week out of London to be in Wyvernage with her family, but she looked over her shoulder and Mustafa was still staring at his plate. She told Bubblee to come over later – better than going to her parents’ house and risk seeing Fatti – and put the phone down.