Jade Goody - Forever in My Heart - The Story of My Battle Against Cancer

My tummy felt so sick, I thought I was going to throw up all over the floor.

‘Are you sure?’ I asked, and he told me again I needed to get myself home. That I needed treatment. That it was urgent.

When he hung up I sat there feeling lonelier than I’ve ever felt in my life. I was in Mumbai, in a house full of strangers, and had just been told the most horrible news. I was a million miles away from my home and everyone I loved.

It was only then that I remembered I was on a TV programme. It’s not the normal way to be told you have cancer. But then, what is normal in my life? To be honest, that seemed like the least of my worries at the time.

Someone pushed the phone into my hand and I spoke to my agent again.

‘Jade, you’ll be okay, love,’ he said, trying to calm me down.

‘I can’t believe this, Mark,’ I sobbed. ‘Is it some kind of sick wind-up?’

‘No,’ he replied. ‘I’ve checked the doctor out and he has treated you in Harlow before. I asked him if it was life or death and he said yes, you had to be told. You need to come home and we’ll get a second opinion straight away.’

I just couldn’t stop sobbing. So many thoughts were rushing in. I had no control.

My boys! My mum! Jack! I can’t die! I don’t want to, I’ve got too much to live for. Oh my god…

Cancer equalled death to me. I’m only twenty-seven , this can’t be happening .

I tried to dry my eyes with bits of tissue someone gave me.

‘Don’t tell anyone until I’ve had a chance to let your family know,’ said Mark. ‘I’ll call your mum and Jack as soon as we get off the line. Do you want to leave straight away? Or are you able to go back into the house and get your things?’

‘I’m okay,’ I sobbed. ‘I’ll go back in. Will you check up on that doctor again? And get a second opinion for me?’

Being on Bigg Boss , the Indian Big Brother , was supposed to be my Big Comeback–my way of getting over all that controversy two years before when I went on Celebrity Big Brother and had a falling out with Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty, so it had seemed like a great idea. The money was good and I needed it because I had spent the last year living off my savings.

I never expected to win or anything but I’d wanted the people of India to see what I was really like. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Things other doctors had told me were running through my head. They’d said they thought the heavy bleeding I’d had was just a bad period. Or stress. How could it be cancer? How could no one have seen this? How long had this cancer thing been growing silently inside of me? My whole body was shaking with fear.

I was more scared than I’d ever been in my life.

I left the Diary Room and went back into the house. I was planning to get my clothes and stuff but I could hardly see because of my swollen red eyes.

The other contestants knew straight away something was wrong. It was pretty obvious because I was sobbing so much. I went and sat on the sofa, trying to take it in.

They tried to comfort me, being really nice. Someone brought me a glass of water and someone else found some tissues, but I was in my own bubble.

I said over and over: ‘I can’t tell you until I tell my family first.’

But you know me–I can’t keep anything to myself. Even this. Eventually I caved in and told them.

‘I’ve got cancer!’ I cried, the words sounding strange. Everyone was really shocked. I went to the bedroom, and just sobbed and sobbed.

I’ve got cancer .

I got my things together somehow then I was taken to a side door and shown out by the production team. I hardly had any time to say goodbye to the other contestants. I was just rushed away.

A car took me to a hotel somewhere. I spent the night on my own, constantly on the phone trying to ring people. I was on the other side of the world and I needed my friends and loved ones so badly.

First I phoned my mum. She was staying with a friend in a caravan and the signal was really bad.

When she answered the phone her silence told me she already knew something. ‘Mum,’ I sobbed. ‘Mum, I’ve got cancer. Mum?’

But all I got was…nothing. Total silence. She couldn’t speak. She quite often gets like this in difficult situations–she just freezes up–but now wasn’t the time for it.

‘Mum,’ I shouted. ‘Stop it! Stop! I need you. I need you more than ever. Come on, be a mum.’

I grew more and more angry as she carried on saying nothing. Not a word.

‘You’ve never been a mother to me!’ I screamed and slammed the phone down.

I was so angry. Why couldn’t she just put me first for once? It wasn’t about her–it was about me. I needed her to be strong for me, but she couldn’t do it, not then.

It had always just been Mum and me so I understood why this news would shatter her world. She split with my druggie dad when I was about a year old. She found a gun under my cot that she knew must have been his. She kicked him out straight away and he ended up in and out of prison until he died when I was twenty-three. So it’s only ever been the two of us, but our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years, as anyone who has read my autobiography will know! Let’s just say that a lot of the time I’ve had to be the mother rather than her.

I came off the phone seething that she couldn’t find some words to comfort me at a time like this. But it was devastating news for her as well and I didn’t want us to fall out.

Fifteen minutes later I rang back. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘I am really sorry.’

‘So am I, Jade,’ she sobbed. ‘Ring me when you get home.’

I lay down and cried, feeling so alone.

Next I rang Danielle, a good mate of mine for the last seven years. We’re both single mums and often hang out together. She was on holiday in Portugal.

‘I’ve got cancer,’ I said as soon as she answered the phone.

‘Oh, Jade!’ she cried, really upset. ‘I can’t believe it! What have they said to you? How serious is it?’

I’d thought I wasn’t really hearing the doctor’s words in the Diary Room in my shocked state, but something he’d said came back to me. ‘They say it’s grade two, whatever that means.’

Danielle was really sweet but the fact that she sounded so upset was upsetting me as well. I hung up, promising to call her as soon as I got home.

Next I called Jack, my on-again–off-again boyfriend of the last three years. Mark had already told him, so at least he didn’t find out from the TV or something.

‘You’re going to be okay,’ he said. But how did anyone know that?

‘I’ve got cancer,’ I kept repeating over and over. I think I was just trying to get my head around it.

‘Doctors can do all sorts of things these days,’ said Jack. ‘They’ve caught it early on. You can deal with this. I’ll be there for you every step of the way.’

We talked for a few hours and he really helped to calm me down. After we came off the phone I managed to get a bit of sleep, which by that stage I really needed. But when I wakened in the early hours of the morning, it was the first thought in my head: ‘I’ve got cancer.’

I got on the Virgin flight home to Heathrow just feeling numb. The Big Brother producers sent someone from the team with me, but I didn’t know him so I had no one to talk to in the airport or on the flight.

Usually when I sit down on a plane I’m excited to see what films are showing and what’s going to be on the menu. I love those little tiny portions of airline food set out on a tray, with the packets of salt and pepper and the freshening wipe. Now I had no interest in anything.