Jeff Stelling - Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly - Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

Jellyman's

Thrown a Wobby

Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

Jeff Stelling

Introduction - This is not a rant …

Part 1 - The Cult of Soccer Saturday

Chapter 1 - A Short History Of Nearly Everything: (To Do With Soccer Saturday)

Chapter 2 - Any Given Saturday

Chapter 3 - Motorway Service Stations, Wimpy Burgers And Medium Lattes (Full Fat, Please): Preparing for Soccer Saturday

Chapter 4 - You Can Say That Again: The Catchphrases Of Soccer Saturday

Chapter 5 - The Jeff Stelling Drinking Game

Chapter 6 - What The Critics Said

Chapter 7 - The Sky Effect

Chapter 8 - Ranting, Raving and General Mania: Viewer Correspondence to the Soccer Saturday Studio

Chapter 9 - Don't Touch That Remote Control!

Chapter 10 - A Selection of Soccer Saturday's Greatest Gaffes, Bloopers and One-Liners

Part 2 - Introducing The Real Crazy Gang: The Soccer Saturday Panel

Chapter 11 - Welcome To The Muppet Show

Chapter 12 - Hotel Babylon

Chapter 13 - Gorgeous George

Chapter 14 - Bigmouth Strikes Again: The People Versus Rodney Marsh

Chapter 15 - ‘Unbelievable!’: Eleven Facts You Didn't Know About Chris Kamara. And One You Probably Did

Chapter 16 - Cocoa, Pipe and Slippers(Né Champagne) Charlie

Chapter 17 - ‘Sit Down, Pinocchio!’

Chapter 18 - The Magic Man

Chapter 19 - A Big Fish In A Small Studio

Chapter 20 - Uncle Frank

Chapter 21 - Introducing The Best (And Worst) Of The Rest

Part 3 - Being Jeff

Chapter 22 - In The Beginning

Chapter 23 - ‘I'm Not A Celebrity: … Get Me Out Of Here Anyway!’

Chapter 24 - Cable Guy: (Well, Satellite TV Guy If We're Being Pedantic, But There Isn't A Hollywood Movie Of The Same Title …)

Chapter 25 - Supporting Hartlepool

Chapter 26 - ‘One From The Bottom and Two From The Top.’: How I Got The Countdown Job

Chapter 27 - The Real Jeff Stelling: (In A 1980s-Style Football Interview)

Chapter 28 - Frequently Asked Questions: (At Cocktail Parties)

Index

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

… But on the sixth day, God created Saturday.

Well, maybe, but during my more reflective moments, I'd like to think He designed it as a reward - something to look forward to during the working weekdays and those soulless evenings on the sofa in front of Corrie, Big Brother and Location, Location, Lo -bloody- cation . He stuffed it full of football, goals, drama, dodgy refereeing decisions and penalty appeals to cheer our souls and set our pulses racing. He gave us beer and pies as a refreshing accompaniment. And as an afterthought, He then gave us Sunday to deal with the hangovers and indigestion, while watching even more football and stuffing our faces with more food. Oh, and going to church, of course.

Minor blasphemy aside, though, I figured it would be a fitting way to begin this book by telling you exactly why Saturday is my favourite day of the week, mainly because I'm guessing it's yours, too, otherwise you wouldn't be reading these very pages. Unless you're a judge for the Pulitzer Prize, in which case you're permitted to hate Saturdays as much as you like as long as you look very favourably on these pages. But for most of us here, Saturdays represent a moment of weekly nirvana: twenty-four hours dedicated to superstition, strange rituals, long walks to the train station with siblings, friends and parents. It's about the little details: the rustling sports pages in the newspapers, the TV magazine shows (like my very own), listening to debate programmes on the radio, stumbling into drunken, post-match arguments in the pub, and engaging in long conversations during the late hours, all focused on one subject: football. Sweet, sweet football.

And god, it's great, isn't it? I remember that even as a kid, Saturday always held that extra special holiday quality from the minute I woke up in the morning to the moment my head hit the pillow in the evening. For years it was the bus to Hartlepool's Victoria Park ground, the short walk to the stadium, the smell of police-horse dung in the street, the whiff of frying onions, the first pint of the day in the local pub (after my 18th birthday of course), the first glimpse of the pitch, the ref's whistle, the shouting and the screaming and the ranting and the raving. Then there was the half-time pie and the half-time queue for the toilet. This was topped off with some more ranting and raving and screaming and shouting, before the shrill of the final whistle and the inevitable, crushing, demoralizing sting of defeat and the slow trudge home.

I wouldn't change it for anything else. Even now, the thrill of sitting in the hot seat in the Soccer Saturday studio is special. From the moment the first dab of make-up and ‘guy-liner’ has been stroked onto my face, through to the final results and post-match interviews, I'm usually on the edge of my seat, reacting to every goal, gaffe, sending-off, penalty decision and moment of high drama. Of course, it's not quite the same as sitting at Victoria Park in the wind and the rain from the North Sea, but it's up there.

And, of course, I get to spend my Saturday afternoons with some pretty impressive figures in football (and Paul Merson), among them Matt Le Tissier, Charlie Nicholas, Phil Thompson, Clive Allen, George Best, Rodney Marsh, Paul Walsh, Alan Mullery, Frank McLintock and Tony Cottee. And let's not forget our roving reporter, cult (yes, cult) hero and giggling moustachioed friend, Chris ‘Kammy’ Kamara. Who wouldn't want to shoulder this cast of football superheroes on a Saturday?

Over the years, the show has picked up quite a following. Hopefully, you're one of the lovely, lovely many who tune in every week. If you're not, the next 200-plus pages are going to be bloody confusing, though you should glean some joy from the nice illustrations. But if you're familiar with the show, hopefully the book will give you a little insight into the madness that goes into making your Saturday afternoons every bit as exciting as mine …

‘You're not even watching football on the telly. You're watching a programme on the telly, where four blokes are watching football … on the telly!’

Stop for a moment and see yourself meeting someone who has never seen Soccer Saturday before. This is difficult I know, but perhaps suspend your disbelief by picturing them as Martians or new Chelsea fans. Then, with this alien concept in mind, imagine explaining the basic idea of the show to these unfortunate souls. Believe me: it's not as easy as it sounds.