Eileen Condon - Bullies, Bitches and Bastards

by

and

Illustrations by Joy Gosney

This book is dedicated to all our family and friends—the perfect antidote to the BBBs out there. (You’re not in it. OK!)

All the characters in Bullies, Bitches and Bastards are entirely fictitious. Sadly, their behaviour isn’t. Furthermore, the authors accept no liability for persons recognising in themselves any of the bullying traits described herein. Quite frankly, if you do—shame on you.

Title Page Bullies, Bitches and Bastards (Not so much a book, more a moral crusade) by

Dedication Dedication Dedication Introduction Chapter One Husbands/Boyfriends Chapter Two Wives/Girlfriends Chapter Three Bosses/Colleagues Chapter Four Family Chapter Five Friends Chapter Six Neighbours and Local Folk Conclusion Acknowledgments Copyright About the Publisher This book is dedicated to all our family and friends—the perfect antidote to the BBBs out there. (You’re not in it. OK!) All the characters in Bullies, Bitches and Bastards are entirely fictitious. Sadly, their behaviour isn’t. Furthermore, the authors accept no liability for persons recognising in themselves any of the bullying traits described herein. Quite frankly, if you do—shame on you.

Introduction Introduction ‘I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: “O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.” And God granted it.’ (Voltaire) That’s it. That’s enough. They’ve gone too far. By all that’s right and holy, they should be shuffling round a prison yard, shackled by the ankles to a Russian cannibal. But they’re not. They’re everywhere—people whose characteristics read like a thesaurus of cunning: sly, Machiavellian, gerrymandering, duplicitous, crafty, vulpine. Bullies. Bitches. Bastards. Unfortunately, you can’t get away from them. They’re in your home, in your workplace, and—God help you—even in your bed. And they didn’t come with a whiff of sulphur and a tail, did they? Bastards! You’re trapped, doomed, finished—damned to hell in a Hyundai. Hold on: brakes, reverse. There is a solution: pin them down, slit them open and dissect them like frogs in a school lab. Not in a vivisectionist way, obviously, but metaphorically speaking. So here they are, fully exposed: the Snake Charmer, the Utter Nutter, Beelzeboss, the Wicked Whittler, Foul Weather Friend, Lord of the Manor. And that’s only a handful of the…BBBs. Beggar me backwards! They’re ridiculous. The Git-ometer The following icons will help you rapidly identify your bullies, your bitches and your bastards. (Oh dear—some have even scored a hat-trick.) bully bitch bastard

Chapter One Husbands/Boyfriends

Chapter Two Wives/Girlfriends

Chapter Three Bosses/Colleagues

Chapter Four Family

Chapter Five Friends

Chapter Six Neighbours and Local Folk

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Copyright

About the Publisher

‘I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: “O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.” And God granted it.’ (Voltaire)

That’s it. That’s enough. They’ve gone too far. By all that’s right and holy, they should be shuffling round a prison yard, shackled by the ankles to a Russian cannibal. But they’re not. They’re everywhere—people whose characteristics read like a thesaurus of cunning: sly, Machiavellian, gerrymandering, duplicitous, crafty, vulpine.

Bullies. Bitches. Bastards.

Unfortunately, you can’t get away from them. They’re in your home, in your workplace, and—God help you—even in your bed. And they didn’t come with a whiff of sulphur and a tail, did they? Bastards!

You’re trapped, doomed, finished—damned to hell in a Hyundai. Hold on: brakes, reverse. There is a solution: pin them down, slit them open and dissect them like frogs in a school lab. Not in a vivisectionist way, obviously, but metaphorically speaking.

So here they are, fully exposed: the Snake Charmer, the Utter Nutter, Beelzeboss, the Wicked Whittler, Foul Weather Friend, Lord of the Manor. And that’s only a handful of the…BBBs.

Beggar me backwards! They’re ridiculous.

The Git-ometer

The following icons will help you rapidly identify your bullies, your bitches and your bastards. (Oh dear—some have even scored a hat-trick.)

bully

bitch

bastard

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