Sorrel Anderson - The Clumsies Make a Mess of the School

‘DON’T YOU “NO” ME!’ shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘COME OUT AT ONCE!’

Howard sighed, defeatedly, grasped the bag , and stood up.

‘Sorry about that,’ he said, sidling towards the door. ‘I was just finding my bag.’

Mr Bullerton stared at it.

‘It’s ,’ he said.

‘Is it?’ said Howard, sidling faster. ‘I hadn’t noticed.’

‘What’s in it?’ said Mr Bullerton.

‘Err, nothing,’ said Howard, whisking out of the room and racing down the corridor towards the lift.

‘WHAT?’ shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘WAIT! I DON’T WANT YOU MUCKING

ANYTHING UP THIS TIME, HOWARD ARMITAGE!’

‘No, bye,’ waved Howard, as the lift arrived with a ‘PING!’ and he hurried inside.

‘DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?’ yelledMr Bullerton, as the doors clunked shut. ‘Where to?’ said the lift.

‘Come along, come along,’ said Howard, jabbing the buttons.

‘Ask nicely, now,’ giggled the lift, not budging. ‘Say the magic word.’

‘Delighted to oblige,’ said the lift, setting off.

‘At last,’ muttered Howard.

‘He’s agitated,’ observed the lift, as they trundled down. ‘What’s afoot?’

‘We’re taking a complicated message to the up the road,’ said Purvis.

‘They’re having a

‘Ooh!’ said the lift. ‘I’ve heard about those: there’ll be people running and leaping about and all sorts. Some of them get into sacks and bounce around.’

There was another scrabbling noise from inside the bag and Mickey Thompson peeped out, looking surprised.

‘It’s true!’ said the lift, warming to its theme. ‘There’s even a race where one person gets tied onto another person and they charge

more like. It wouldn’t be my cup of tea but they enjoy it.’

‘Mr Bullerton’s decided to be the Guest of Honour,’ said Purvis.

‘Has he, now?’ said the lift. ‘Got him in that great bag, have you?’

‘No,’ said Purvis. ‘He’s following on later once we’ve put in place the appropriate arrangements.’

‘At last,’ said Howard, hurrying out. ‘It gives me the when you talk to that thing. Lifts aren’t supposed to talk.’

‘Neither are mice,’ pointed out Mickey Thompson, , ‘but that doesn’t stop you talking to us.’

‘That’s different,’ said Howard.

‘Why?’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘It just is,’ said Howard.

‘But…’ began Mickey Thompson.

‘There isn’t time to discuss it now,’ said Howard, quickly. ‘We need to get going.’

‘But…’ began Mickey Thompson, again.

‘We can collect my dog on the way,’ said Howard. ‘The road to the passes right by my house.’

‘Allen!’ cheered the mice.

‘Allen,’ agreed Howard. ‘He’ll enjoy the walk, and Mr Bullerton need never know.’

So the Clumsies nestled back down in the bag, Howard hoisted it over his shoulder and, collecting Allen on the way, they set off up the road past offices and shops and a fence and a park and a wall and some houses and trees, and eventually they arrived at the .

Howard stopped.

‘Now listen,’ he said. ‘Best behaviour, understand?’

There was no reply.

‘Do you understand me?’ he said.

There was still no reply so Howard put the bag down and peered inside . Mickey Thompson and Purvis

‘Well?’ said Howard.

‘What?’ they said.

‘Did you hear what I said?’ said Howard.

‘No,’ they said.

‘There’s a lot of traffic and birds and things,’ said Purvis.

‘I was saying,’ said Howard, ‘you’re to be on your best behaviour.’

‘PARDON?’

shouted Mickey Thompson.

Howard ignored him. ‘I don’t want any… you know… incidents.’

‘Of course not, Howard,’ said the mice.

‘And no mess,’ said Howard. ‘Absolutely none.’

‘No, Howard,’ said the mice.

‘And I’m including Ortrud in this,’ said Howard, firmly. ‘Does she understand?’ There was a loud snore from inside the bag.

‘She’s sleeping, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘We’ll explain it to her later.’

‘Make sure you do,’ said Howard. ‘Now, Allen had better wait out here,’ he said, settling Allen in a comfortable spot. ‘We won’t be long.’

He hoisted the bag up again, trudged into the and backwards as a woman past on a small silver scooter, narrowly missing him.

‘Oof,’ he said.

shouted the woman. ‘WATCH YOURSELF, LADDIE!’ She skidded to a halt and dismounted. ‘They’re not allowed to ride them in the corridors so I’ve confiscated it, temporarily,’ she said, tapping the scooter. ‘But I couldn’t resist a little go; they are my corridors, after all.’

‘Are they?’ said Howard, sounding surprised.

‘In a manner of speaking,’ said the woman. ‘I am the

Headmistress of this establishment: JB Undercracker, at your service.’ She clicked her heels and thrust out a hand, so Howard shook it.

‘Right,’ said JB Undercracker, briskly. ‘Who are you and what do you want?’

‘I’ve come with a message,’ said Howard.

‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.

‘Actually, several,’ said Howard.

‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.

‘Actually one, but it’s got several parts,’ said Howard.

JB Undercracker narrowed her eyes.

‘Spill,’ she said.

‘Sorry?’ said Howard.

‘The beans, sonny,’ said JB Undercracker. ‘Spill ’em.’

‘Right,’ said Howard. ‘Well, it’s Mr Bullerton…’

‘Delighted to meet you, Mr

Bullerton,’ said JB Undercracker.

‘No, no,’ said Howard. ‘I…’

‘We are making good progress, aren’t we?’ she said. ‘And now we’ve established the who you are part of the equation, let’s tackle the what do you want. To what do we owe the pleasure?’

Howard mopped his brow.

‘It’s about your he said.

‘AAGGH!’ she , and Howard jumped. ‘We’re so excited. The children have been preparing for WEEKS.’

‘That’s good,’ said Howard, ‘because he, Mr Bullerton I mean, the real one, not me, is going to be St Apricot’s Guest of Honour.’