Nigel Smith - Nathalia Buttface and the Most Embarrassing Five Minutes of Fame Ever

Nat was especially proud of a new move she had invented called the Prancing Pony. It was super-tricky and Penny had already got it wrong once and ended up in a hedge.

But finally it was going well.

“… Up and hop and jump and slide and hop,” whispered Nat, reminding Penny what to do, as they reached the tricky bit. To her delight Penny was doing it BETTER THAN PERFECTLY when …

“I’ve gotta go,” said Darius, putting the camera down on the ground. “See you.”

“WHAT? We haven’t finished, you total chimp,” said Nat.

“Then you shouldn’t have taken so long, Buttface,” said Darius. “I’m busy.”

“Doing what? Where are you going?” Nat asked, infuriated, but she didn’t get an answer because at that moment Dad appeared from the house.

“Just thought I’d see if you were OK,” he said. “I was watching you jiggle about and it looked like you’d swallowed space hoppers.”

“THAT’S IT!” yelled Nat, throwing herself on the grass. “I can’t work like this.”

“Ooh, you taking selfies?” said Dad, picking up the camera. “Urgh, why’s this camera all sticky?” Darius, standing by the back gate, grinned.

“We are NOT taking selfies,” said Nat. “And I don’t even know how you know about selfies, you’re so old.”

“What are you up to then?” said Dad, adding jokingly, “I hope you’re not thinking of putting anything on to the online inter cyber-space web.”

Nat hadn’t been intending to put her dance video online, but she didn’t want to be told she COULDN’T.

“Can if I want,” she said. She wasn’t usually this rude, but was hot and tired and frustrated and scratchy.

“Stop showing off in front of your friends,” said Dad gently, which was one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS HE COULD SAY. It was up there with:

You’re only grumpy because you’re tired.

You’re only grumpy because you’re hungry.

You’re only grumpy because you’ve found Nan’s false teeth in the biscuit tin again. AFTER you’ve eaten a digestive.

“I am NOT showing off, baldy,” said Nat, showing off, “but if I wanted to, I could put this dance routine online and get a million hits and make us rich and famous and THEN you’d be sorry.”

“You’re very grumpy,” said Dad. “You must be tired. Or possibly hungry. Or have you been in the biscuit tin?”

“You said you wouldn’t put this video online,” hissed Penny. “I don’t want anyone else to see it. You promised.”

“I’m not saying I’m GOING to put it online, I’m just saying I COULD,” said Nat stubbornly.

“Online is a very dangerous place,” said Dad, patiently. “Do you remember when you and Daddy had that talk and Daddy said it was like a big nasty dark cave with monsters in it and you said it sounded very scary and you promised to stay outside the cave forever and ever?”

“Yes, when I was SIX, Dad,” shouted Nat. Penny sniggered. Nat felt herself getting red in the face.

“Every flipping day,” she yelled, waving her arms about like mad, “you always EMBARRASS me. People are watching, Dad. Can’t you be NORMAL?”

She did one last furious high hop, but landed awkwardly on a damp patch of grass. Her feet shot out from under her, her legs went straight up in the air and she landed heavily on something. Something alive.

There was a pause. Then a look of horror. Then she yelled:

“AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGH!”

There was something buzzing in her pants! It was as cross as any bee could be. Especially a bee that had then been happily slurping pollen off a flower when it was rudely sat on.

Nat ran around the garden smacking herself on the bum like she was trying to ride herself to victory in the Grand National. Finally, inevitably, she felt the sting.

“OOOOOH!” she yelled in pain. “EEEEEE!”

With that she dashed out of the garden.

And into … fame.

AT DIDN’T BECOME FAMOUS IMMEDIATELY–no, it took her the whole weekend.

And of course it took the power of what Dad annoyingly called the ‘inter cyber-space web’ to do it.

Nat was blissfully unaware of the fuss she was causing online. This was because, for a start, she had no idea that a video of herself WAS online. But, as it turned out, it was, and it was getting more online by the minute. People like sharing. And they especially like sharing funny videos of furious girls running around gardens shouting: “Can’t you be normal – aaaarrrgh, ooooh, eeeee!”

All it needed was someone to put it online in the first place …

Then, over the next couple of days, while her video was being chuckled over by more and more people, Nathalia was actually totally OFFLINE. Mum had just come home after two weeks working abroad so Nat had loads of catching-up with her to do. She never even noticed when the battery on her mobile phone ran out.

And so she missed A LOT of texts from her classmates. Which was even worse than it sounds, because Nat was always desperate to get texts from her classmates. No one ever texted her. Nat had given her mobile number to literally EVERYONE she knew, but the only messages she ever received were from the phone company, trying to sell her a new phone.

But now, waiting for her in the cyber-darkness, were loads of them.

Texts like:

OMG!!! LOL. ROFL.

And

YOU ARE SOOOOO FUNNY.

And

HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF??????

And

U. R. A

Meanwhile, most of Nat’s catching-up with Mum was spent clothes shopping while telling Mum how utterly rubbish Dad had been recently.

The Atomic Dustbin – Dad’s horrible old camper van – had broken down twice picking her up from school and once when he’d volunteered to take the hockey team to an away match.

“We were so late the other team was allowed to start without us and we were ten-nil down before we even got on the pitch,” she complained, making Mum giggle.

Then she revealed Dad had made them pork pie and chips for tea THREE times last week. And it would have been four times but Bad News Nan had come round, insisted they had a proper meal with vitamins, and then ordered pizzas because cheese counted as veg, near enough.

Mum’s shoulders shook with laughter as they picked out tops.

“He does look after you pretty well though,” chuckled Mum in the changing rooms. “I mean, compared to being looked after by a trained gorilla.”