Kat Zhang - What’s Left of Me

I was listening. I was listening, but they couldn’t know because Addie wasn’t here to tell them.

“Eva, if you’re freaking out, you have to stop. You have to listen to us. Addie’s fine. She’s just … asleep right now because of the medicine. We didn’t think she’d take it if she knew—”

They’d drugged us. They’d really drugged us. A flash of anger seared through me, singeing away just a little of the fear.

“Eva, can you move?”

Of course I couldn’t move!

“The medicine will help, Eva,” Lissa said. “Try and wriggle your fingers.”

I tried. I tried like I’d been trying for years—if only so I could get the hell away from here. Nothing happened. I was trapped in a dead prison of skin and bones, shackled to limbs I couldn’t control. What sort of plan was this? Were they trying to help us? Like this?

I said.

A hand enveloped mine, and I couldn’t jerk away.

“Eva,” someone said. “Eva, this is Ryan.”

Ryan. Devon’s voice, but Ryan’s, just as Addie’s voice was also mine. Had been mine.

“We haven’t really met yet, but we will. Right now we just want you to try and move your fingers. Move the fingers of the hand I’m holding right now.”

The gentle pressure on our right palm helped orient me. I mentally traced up to the tips of our fingers. Then I tried again to curl them. I tried. I really did.

“It’s been years, I know,” Ryan said. “It’s been a long time, but not too long. You can still do it, Eva.”

I said.

Not alone in the dark like this.

“Eva? Are you still trying?”

I said, almost crying.

“I know it’s hard,” he said.

My voice reverberated shrilly in the chasm that had stolen Addie.

He didn’t hear, so he couldn’t respond. Instead, a new voice broke through the darkness. Lissa? Hally?

“Eva, trust us.”

Trust them!

“The medicine will wear off in a little bit,” she said. “So please, please try.”

I tried. I lay there in the dark, listening to them talk at me, and tried for what seemed like hours. Finally, exhausted and ready to scream, I stopped.

“That’s right,” Lissa said. “That’s good. Keep going.”

“You’ve almost got it,” Ryan said. He’d said it at least ten times.

I raged.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t tough enough. It had been too long. And Addie—Addie was gone. I couldn’t do it without her. I had never done anything without Addie.

I’d dreamed so long of being able to move again, every fantasy tasting equally of longing and terror. But I’d never dreamed I would be alone like this. That it would happen like this.

“Come on, Eva.”

No. No—

“You can do it.”

Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up. I can’t do it. I ca—

“Eva—”

“I can’t!”

Silence.

“Eva?” Lissa breathed. “Eva, was that you?”

Me?

Oh.

Oh.

“Ryan—did you hear that? Did you hear her?”

My head spun.

“Can you do it again?” Ryan said.

I’d spoken. I’d formed words and moved our lips and tongue and spoken.

They’d heard my voice.

I said.

From far within the abyss, a pulse.

Again the pulse. Then came a feeling like the drawing of a breath. A tendril of something as light and insubstantial as dawn haze floated from the chasm.

it whispered, warm and frightened.

Then she was back, bleary-eyed and weak and confused, but back, back, back, filling that terrible hole inside us. Making us whole again. Making us how we were meant to be.

she said.

I said. I was laughing, almost crying in relief.

She believed me. She kept our eyes closed, and she relaxed little by little.

she murmured.

ddie was still woozy five minutes after she awoke, swaying when she tried to sit up. She moved as though through syrup, each limb thick and unwieldy.

she said. We could see Lissa and Ryan now, and they were crouched by the sofa. They kept talking, their words washing over us but barely sinking in. Addie wasn’t listening at all. I heard enough to know the drug would take a little longer to wear off completely.

I said.

she said.

I didn’t tell her anything she didn’t ask about. I didn’t tell her what had happened while she slept. I didn’t tell her I had spoken.

I didn’t think she was ready to know.

Addie strengthened, her presence growing less tenuous beside mine. She kept blinking, like someone trying to clear away a dream.

“Addie?” Lissa said. She reached toward us, then pulled her hand away again at the last moment. “Are you okay now?”

Addie started, as if noticing her for the first time. “You—you drugged me.” Her words were slurred.

The siblings looked at each other.

“We had to,” Lissa said. “It’s so much easier with the drug—”

“What’s easier?” Addie said.

Another glance between Ryan and Lissa. The sofa was solid against our back. Our fingers dug into the rigid fabric.

“Didn’t Eva tell you?” Ryan said.

Addie’s frown deepened. “How would Eva know?”

“Well …” Lissa tugged on a curl of her hair, wrapping it around her finger. “Eva was awake, right?”

“Of course not,” Addie said. “That’s not pos—”

I said.

The rest of Addie’s sentence lodged in our throat. It hurt to breathe around.

I hesitated. Lissa and Ryan watched us, studying our face. But I knew Addie wasn’t paying them any attention.

I said.

Addie faltered.

Stunned silence. Her astonishment swirled bright and wild around me.

she said

I said, unable to stand it any longer. The very knowledge pushed at our bones.

she said. Then again, softer.

“Addie?” Lissa said. Her fingers hovered above our arm.

Addie looked up. Our lips parted. Then the sound came, hoarse and crackly. “Eva talked?”

Lissa smiled. “She did.”

Addie stared. She didn’t speak, not even to me. I matched her silence. I didn’t know what to say. And then, suddenly, she tried to stand. Our legs felt too frail to support our weight. “I’m … I’m going to go home.”

Lissa grabbed our arm as we wobbled. “No, Addie, stay. Please stay.”

“Wait a little longer. I’ll walk you back,” Ryan said. Addie looked at him. She didn’t even know he was Ryan, I realized. She thought he was still Devon.

“I’m okay,” she said. She tugged out of Lissa’s grasp and sleepwalked toward the kitchen. They hurried after us, their feet slapping against the hardwood floor.

“I’m coming with you,” Lissa called. “Just wait a second, Addie. I’m—”

Addie seemed not to hear.

I said quietly as we stumbled and had to grab the counter. Addie didn’t respond. I didn’t mention it again.

She slipped into our shoes without tying the laces. But when she reached for our book bag, Ryan was already holding it. He nodded for us to go through the door first.