Robin Talley - What We Left Behind

From the critically acclaimed author of Lies We Tell Ourselves comes an emotional, empowering story of what happens when love may not be enough to conquer all

Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They’ve been together forever. They never fight. They’re deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college—Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU—they’re sure they’ll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, theirs is bound to stay rock-solid.

The reality of being apart, though, is very different than they expected. Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, meets a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, but Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship.

While Toni worries that Gretchen won’t understand Toni’s new world, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in this puzzle. As distance and Toni’s shifting gender identity begin to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide—have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together?

Praise for Praise for Robin Talley Also by Robin Talley About the Author Title Page Before 1 2 3 4 5 Before 6 7 8 Before 9 10 11 12 Before 13 14 15 16 17 18 After Acknowledgments Extract Endpages Copyright Robin Talley Praise for Robin Talley Also by Robin Talley About the Author Title Page Before 1 2 3 4 5 Before 6 7 8 Before 9 10 11 12 Before 13 14 15 16 17 18 After Acknowledgments Extract Endpages Copyright

‘The main characters are terrific in what is a moving YA novel. And an important one.’ – The Telegraph

‘This is so thought-provokingit almost hurts to read it, yet every word is needed, is necessary and consequently this is a novel that lingers long after you’ve finished it’– Lovereading

‘This is an emotional and compellingread that I did not want to put down. It is […] beautifully writtenand the tension just simmers on the pages.’ – Bookbabblers

‘This book packs a very powerful punch’ – Historical Novel Society

‘With great characterisation, tough issues covered, and a plot which had me guessing right up until the last pages, this is a must-read. Massively recommended!’ – The Bookbag

‘This exceptional novelof first love and sexual awakenings is set against a backdrop of shocking racism and prejudice. It is incredibly well writtenas the tense, riveting story seamlessly combines fiction with historical fact.’ – Booktrust

‘Every now and then a Young Adult book comes along that I want to push into every readers hands both young and oldand Lies We Tell Ourselves is that book for 2014’ – Jess Hearts Books

‘Talley has mixed two controversial topics together to create a firecracker of a story’ – Cheryl M-M’s Book Blog

*A Goodreads Choice Awards semi-finalist 2014*

Also by Robin Talley Also by Robin Talley About the Author Title Page Before 1 2 3 4 5 Before 6 7 8 Before 9 10 11 12 Before 13 14 15 16 17 18 After Acknowledgments Extract Endpages Copyright

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

ROBIN TALLEYgrew up in Roanoke, Virginia, writing terrible teen poetry and riding a desegregation bus to the school across town. A Lambda Literary Fellow, Robin lives in Washington, D.C., with her fiancée, plus an antisocial cat and a goofy dog. When Robin’s not writing, she’s often planning communication strategies at organisations fighting for equal rights and social justice. You can find her on the web at www.robintalley.comor on Twitter @robin_talley

Contents

Cover

Back Cover Text From the critically acclaimed author of Lies We Tell Ourselves comes an emotional, empowering story of what happens when love may not be enough to conquer all Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They’ve been together forever. They never fight. They’re deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college—Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU—they’re sure they’ll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, theirs is bound to stay rock-solid. The reality of being apart, though, is very different than they expected. Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, meets a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, but Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship. While Toni worries that Gretchen won’t understand Toni’s new world, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in this puzzle. As distance and Toni’s shifting gender identity begin to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide—have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together?

Praise for Robin Talley

Also by Robin Talley

About the Author

Title Page

Before

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2

3

4

5

Before

6

7

8

Before

9

10

11

12

Before

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After

Acknowledgments

Extract

Endpages

Copyright

Before

OCTOBER

JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL

HOMECOMING

TONI

Even before I saw her, it was the best night of my life.

It was Homecoming. I was about to walk into a ballroom full of people. A girl in a flouncy dress was clinging to my elbow, her photo-ready smile firmly in place, her left hand already raised in a preparatory wave.

I didn’t smile with her. I didn’t know if I could even remember how to smile.

I was happy, yeah—I was so, so, so happy that night—but I was terrified, too. Any second now I was bound to throw up.

Everyone in that ballroom would be looking at us. Everyone in there would be looking at me.

I’d known them all since we were kids. To them, I was Toni Fasseau, substantively unchanged since kindergarten. Short red hair and black-rimmed glasses. Pompous vocabulary and a pompous grade point average to match. And most of all, gay. Extremely, incredibly gay.

Tonight, though, when they looked at me, they’d see something else. This morning, a story had come out that had temporarily made me the most famous student at Martha Jefferson Academy for Young Women in Washington, DC. It would probably only last until the next senator’s daughter got caught shoplifting at Neiman Marcus, but still.

It took all my concentration just to breathe as I walked through the ballroom doors. My date, Renee, beamed out at the rapt crowd, still hanging on my arm.

For her, the attention was fun. For her, tonight was nothing.

For me, tonight was everything.

It was too much. My stomach clenched, unclenched and clenched again as my brain whirred with a thousand thoughts at once.

I’d won. I’d actually won.

We turned the corner and saw the crowd. A few hundred of our classmates and their dates, dressed up in their finest finery.

All I saw was their eyes. Hundreds—no, thousands, it felt like thousands—of eyes fixed right on me.

I looked down, took a breath and tried to focus on something else.

My outfit. That was something.