Терри Биссон - The Left Left Behind

The Left Behind novels (some sixteen in all) by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins are among the best-selling fantasies in America today. Self-described as “apocalyptic fiction,” they tell the story of the Rapture, in which the faithful are yanked straight up to Heaven without dying, and the following seven years of Tribulation, when those “left behind” are ruled by the Anti-Christ (a sleazy Romanian) until Christ’s return. It all has to do with Armageddon and God’s plan for Israel and the Christian Born-Agains.

Millions believe this nonsense, and the Left Behind novels are hugely popular. Patrice Duvic, a French SF writer and editor, alarmed that they were about to be published in France, suggested to me that we write a parody in which the world is better off with the Born-Agains gone. Patrice was ailing, and died before we got started, but the idea and the inspiration are all his—

RIP, mon frère …

“The Holy Land,” said Vince. “This is where it all began.” He felt a thrill as he looked around at the arid rocky hills that had given birth to so many great religions. Although as a skeptical TV newsman he didn’t believe in any of them, he respected them all.

“And where it’s all still going on,” said the Israeli general, Blitz Kreig, who was Vince’s guide and host. “Don’t forget we’re in a security zone. This is not quite Israel—yet.”

A stone bounced off his helmet.

“Understood,” said Vince. While his worshipful (and cute) young camera-girl videotaped him, he began the broadcast he had come ten thousand miles to make.

“This is Vince Kirkorian,” he said, “reporting for IHS News, and I’m here near the Israeli settlement of Itz-Al-Aurz to interview Dr Kramer Kramer, the Nobel Prize winning biologist who—”

RACKETY-RACKETY-RACK! Vince’s intro was suddenly interrupted by a loud grinding noise, followed by high-pitched screams. AAAIYEEE!

Annoyed, Vince signaled cut. “What’s all the racket?” he asked the general.

“Land reform,” General Kreig said proudly, pointing behind him to an armored bulldozer, which was demolishing a two-story house while wailing women in Arab headdresses looked on. “We’re making the desert bloom.”

Another rock bounced off his helmet.

“By bulldozing houses?” Like most TV newsmen, Vince had a highly developed appreciation of property values. “Where will these people live?”

“They’re Palestinians,” explained General Kreig, firing a short burst from his Uzi into a crowd of unruly kids. “They can hop on their camels and find another place to pitch their tents. This is the land God promised us. It’s in the Bible.”

Another rock bounced off his helmet. It didn’t seem to bother him.

“Oh, yes, the Promised Land,” said Vince, remembering. It didn’t seem quite fair, but he knew better than to question other people’s sincerely-held religious beliefs. “Can you ask them to hold off on the land reform till my interview with Dr. Kramer is over?”

“Done,” said the general, signaling the dozer driver, who shut down the huge machine. “And here comes the good doctor now!”

Vince couldn’t hide his smile as the old man approached, walking down the path from the attractive concrete battlements of the settlement perched on top of a nearby hill.

In his ragged cardigan and baggy pants, he looked exactly like Einstein, even to the kindly twinkle in his eye.

“I always watch your news show,” Dr. Kramer said as he shook Vince’s hand. “The world needs more honest, enterprising young journalists like yourself. And so cute!”

Vince all but blushed. “Thank you, Dr. Kramer. Now please, tell us about your new discovery.”

“My new bio-gen seed grows fish from soil,” said the aged humanitarian. A rock barely missed his head, and he ducked politely. “Gefilte fish, lox, whitefish, pickled herring. You name it. No one will ever go hungry again.”

“No Jew, anyway,” said the general, scattering a clump of children with a short burst of fire.

“That’s wonderful news for a hungry world,” said Vince. “And how do you intend to market this new discovery?” “Market?” Dr. Kramer looked confused.

“Aren’t you going to patent and license this revolutionary new bio-gen? It’s worth millions.”

“I am an old man,” said Dr. Kramer, laughing. “What do I want with money? All I ask in return for my discovery is that the world allow Israel to live in peace.”

Just then, as if in answer, there was a distant roar.

It grew louder and louder.

“Hit the dirt!” cried General Kreig, pulling Vince and Dr. Kramer to the ground with him. Vince looked up and saw swarms of funky-looking fighter-bombers streaking in low across the barren hills.

They were firing rockets and machine guns. Bombs were bursting all around.

“Arab jets!” cried the general as they all crouched behind the bulldozer, in the rubble of the wrecked Palestinian home. “Israel is doomed!”

“Maybe not,” said Dr. Kramer. “Look!”

Anti-aircraft fire was blossoming around the planes, knocking them out of the air. They crashed into the hillsides, one after the other.

“Israeli missile defense!” said Vince. “Just in time!”

“I wish!” said General Kreig. “But our missiles are tied up in Gaza, taking out terrorists and bystanders. I don’t know where these missiles are coming from.”

“I do!” said Dr. Kramer. “Look. It’s a miracle.”

Vince stumbled to his feet, heedless of his own safety. He shaded his eyes from the sun and looked more closely at the shapes in the sky. He could hardly believe what he saw.

What he had thought were exploding missiles were actually Angels, armed with Uzis, riddling the shabby Arab jets with holes and then batting them out of the sky with their snow-white wings.

“Get this on video!” he said to the camera-girl.

Angels? he wondered. Could this be happening?

“They’re all down!” said General Kreig. “Israel is saved!”

“For now, anyway,” breathed the kindly old scientist. “Did you get all that?” Vince asked the camera-girl. They were standing amid the rubble of smoking planes.

“I think so,” she said, her eyes shining.

“Let’s get out of here,” said the general. “You can finish your interview back at the settlement!”

MOMENTS LATER

Firing a few short bursts to clear the way, the general ran toward his armored Humvee. Dr. Kramer and the camera-girl were right behind him.

Vince was about to follow when he heard a noise behind him. He turned and saw an old man in a dirty robe of goat’s wool. He had a mad look in his eyes and carried an ancient Winchester 94 in one hand.

“Charlton Heston?” asked Vince, unbelievingly. He was pretty sure Heston had retired.

“Wrong prophet!” said the old man. His eyes were like two burning bushes. “Talk about tsuris! The Anti-Christ is coming, and a nice Jewish boy he is not!”

Then he fired the rifle into the air and disappeared. An Old Testament prophet! , thought Vince, as he ran toward the armored car. Could this really be happening? “Did you get all that on video?” he asked the camera-girl, when he got to the Humvee.

“I think so,” she said, her eyes shining.

“Come on, come on,” said General Kreig. A rock bounced off the windshield of the Humvee as they sped toward the settlement. The general didn’t seem to mind.