Derek Landy - The Maleficent Seven

“Luv a duck,” he said, “is this meetin’ gonna come to bleedin’ order before or after we all die of old age?”

At the head of the table, Tanith sat and smiled. Billy-Ray Sanguine stood behind her with his square jaw and his sunglasses.

“Before we begin,” Tanith said, “I’d just like to tell you all how much I appreciate your help in this matter. I know you’re all going to receive a reward when it’s over, but I like to think that you’re helping me because you see a person who needs help, and out of the goodness of your hearts you decided to pitch in.”

The others looked at her, saying nothing. Undeterred, Tanith continued.

“What we have here is a mission. Missions are exciting. You should look on this whole thing as an adventure, and just have fun.”

Again, everyone looked at her. Like she was nuts.

Big, bright smile. “I have a friend who’ll be arriving sometime over the next year or so,” said Tanith. “She’s awesome, and she’ll do some pretty awesome things. But there’ll be a lot of people who will want to hurt my friend, and they’ll use four God-Killer weapons to do that.”

Sabine shifted in her seat. “Who’s your friend?”

“I’m glad you asked me that,” said Tanith. “Her name’s Darquesse and she’s lovely. You’ll love her, you really will. She’s so funny and nice and she’s great to hang out with.”

Sabine frowned. “Isn’t she the one they’re saying will destroy the world?”

“OK, Sabine, for a start, I don’t know why you’re being so negative about this. How about waiting until you’ve met her before you start judging her? Think you can do that? Secondly, it’s not destroying the world, it’s destroying some bits of the world. It’s like a sculptor chipping away at a rock until she gets it just right. That’s what Darquesse is going to do. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now, but I’m glad you asked because now the question has been answered and we can move on. Any more questions?”

Annis put up her hand.

“No questions till after,” said Tanith. “Where was I? Dexter Vex has assembled a group of seven sorcerers, including himself, from different Sanctuaries around the world – Frightening Jones, Aurora Jane, Wilhelm Scream, the Monster Hunters, and his old friend and Dead Men colleague Saracen Rue. I feel, in the interest of full disclosure, I should make it known at this point that I have had relationships with both Frightening and Saracen, and a little bit of a thing with Aurora. Aurora was lovely, but it didn’t work out, Frightening and I gradually drifted apart and, with Saracen, I assure you it was purely physical.”

“They probably don’t need to know all that,” Sanguine said from behind her, his face stony.

“Vex used to have another sorcerer on his team,” Tanith continued. “They had a Sensitive named Jerry. Just to let you know, I did not have a relationship with Jerry. Let’s be clear about that. He was a rubbish Sensitive, but that’s not why I didn’t have a relationship with him. For a start, he wasn’t my type. Reason number two, I was already in a relationship with Billy-Ray here, and I was trying my best to be monogamous.”

At that, Sanguine frowned. “You were trying ?”

“Please don’t interrupt, darling,” Tanith said. “Back to Jerry. As I said, he was a rubbish Sensitive, and I cut his head off. If he’d been any good at looking into the future, he’d have ducked. But he didn’t, so... off with his head. Anyway, what Jerry did do was give us a list of possible locations where three of these weapons are being kept. We have since had these confirmed. We got the fourth from Christophe Nocturnal before he tragically died when I killed him. I’ll miss Christophe, I don’t mind telling you. Was he boyfriend material? Probably not, but we had a moment.”

“The four locations,” Sanguine prompted.

“Yes,” Tanith said, focusing on the task at hand. “The first weapon we’re going after will be the dagger, which is in the possession of Johann Starke. I know what you’re thinking – Johann Starke, Elder with the German Sanctuary, how can we possibly sneak in and steal what we’re there to steal? Well, let me just reassure you – I have a plan, and I’m fairly confident it stands a chance of not failing, if we’re lucky.”

“I have a question,” said Jack.

“Questions later.”

“You keep sayin’ sneak in and sneak out and stuff. My question is—”

“No questions.”

“—once this Starke bloke realises he’s been robbed—”

“I’m pretty sure I said no questions.”

“—the owners of the other weapons are gonna heighten security, so won’t that mess up our mission?”

“First of all,” Tanith said, “we have a no question rule. I literally just established it, like right there. I know you were here for that because it was two minutes ago. Now, I understand that you’re used to being my enemy so your natural inclination is to do the opposite of whatever I say, but you’re just going to have to get over that. Agreed?”

“I’m just askin’ a—”

“Jack, please. Wait till I’m finished talking.”

“You were finished talk—”

“Please stop interrupting me. We’re a team. We’re a squad. We’re a gang. There is no I in any of those words.”

“There’s an I in menagerie,” said Annis.

Tanith looked at her. “What?”

“We could be a menagerie,” Annis said. “Then there’d be an I. A menagerie of, you know... criminals.”

“We’re not a menagerie,” said Tanith. “What are we even talking about any more? We can’t afford to get sidetracked here, OK? A menagerie is for animals and birds. We’re not birds, Annis. We’re people. Birds have wings. Birds fly. Also, they’re birds. But, seeing as how the question has been asked, let’s answer it. If it’s so important. If you simply cannot live another moment without knowing the answer. By all means, let’s waste some more time on this. Sabine.”

Sabine looked up. “Yes?”

“Explain.”

Sabine looked at her. “Uh...”

“Your power,” Sanguine said. “Tell ’em what it is.”

“Oh, yeah, OK. Well, I’m a Magiphage.”

Jack frowned. “A what?”

“A Leech,” said Dusk.

Sabine almost glared at the vampire before she thought better of it. “Uh, yes, I... I’m what is commonly referred to as a Leech. I can temporarily drain a sorcerer’s power.”

“And how does that help us?” Annis asked.

“Because there’s another aspect to being a Magiphage that not a lot of people know about,” said Sabine. “I can transfer – again, temporarily – a portion of magic to another person or... object.”

Tanith leaned forward on her elbows, that bright smile back again. “You see? I’ve already had forgeries made, exact copies of these weapons – or as exact as we could get based on a couple of photographs.”

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