Bob Burke - The Curds and Whey Mystery

‘Pig,’ howled the gnome to his companion as he recognised the taste. ‘Not monster; pig.’

As I’ve already mentioned, gnomes are quite stupid. In this instance they were stupid enough not to realise they’d been injured, but not so stupid that they didn’t recognise that their attacker was a pig. Figuring I was easier meat (possibly literally) now that they knew I wasn’t a creature of the night, they seemed a bit more positive about chasing me. Staggering to their feet they lurched after me. Although I had the benefit of a fully working body, they had the advantage that they knew the terrain, so while I splashed my way across a sea of mud, they took drier, less slippery paths and slowly began to close in on me.

I have to say I was, by now, getting just a tad concerned as I was totally lost, had no idea where I was going and couldn’t see my way off the building site. Meanwhile, Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber were gradually getting nearer – moving towards me in straight and presumably dry lines while I blundered around in circles getting muddier and wetter.

‘That’s ’im over there,’ shouted one suddenly, and he scuttled in my direction.

I panicked and began to run. Heedless of where I was going, my only thought was to put as much distance between me and them as I possibly could.

Through the darkness I was just able to make out a small mound of earth. Maybe I could hide behind it. Figuring that it was a better option than wandering aimlessly around a building site in the dark, I dived over it. To my horror I found that, rather than landing on the ground beyond...well...remember those large holes I was talking about earlier? That’s what was at the far side of that little mound. Bracing myself for impact, I landed with a resounding splash into a large pool of dirty water that covered me from head to toe in cold, wet mud. No need to worry about keeping clean now, but from what I could hear of my pursuers I was now so well camouflaged that they had problems finding me. They probably figured I was just another heap of mud.

‘Where he go?’ said one.

‘Dunno,’ said the other. ‘Maybe he escape.’

‘No, he still here. Me heard big splash.’

Clearly my new muddy ensemble allowed me to blend in perfectly with my surroundings. It may have been freezing and mucky but at least it was keeping me safe.

After a half-hearted search, the two gnomes gave up looking for me, finished their patrol and headed back to the hut. Rather than continue to wander in confusion around a dark building site, I chose to remain hidden where I was – cold and wet – until daylight. As soon as the skies began to lighten and I could see my way, I sneaked out of the building site and made my way home for a long, warm and much needed shower.

4 4 - Revenge Is a Dish Best Served with Bacon 5 - Jack Has a Bright Idea 6 - A Bit of a Drag 7 - Quiet on Set 8 - A Bluffer’s Guide to Polite Conversation 9 - At Midnight, All the Detectives 10 - Breakfast at Matilda’s 11 - A Secret Revealed 12 - Bean There, Done That 13 - Lots of Hot Air 14 - Cloud Kingdom 15 - Fee, Fie, Foe, Something-or-Other 16 - The Not-So-Great Escape 17 - The Axeman Cometh 18 - A Surprise Ending Acknowledgments Also in the series Copyright About the Publisher

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served with Bacon 4 - Revenge Is a Dish Best Served with Bacon 5 - Jack Has a Bright Idea 6 - A Bit of a Drag 7 - Quiet on Set 8 - A Bluffer’s Guide to Polite Conversation 9 - At Midnight, All the Detectives 10 - Breakfast at Matilda’s 11 - A Secret Revealed 12 - Bean There, Done That 13 - Lots of Hot Air 14 - Cloud Kingdom 15 - Fee, Fie, Foe, Something-or-Other 16 - The Not-So-Great Escape 17 - The Axeman Cometh 18 - A Surprise Ending Acknowledgments Also in the series Copyright About the Publisher

Later that morning – clean, dry and smelling so much nicer – I considered my options. I knew who was trying to frighten Miss Muffet out of business and I knew why. Now all I had to do was convince one of Grimmtown’s most notorious criminals to back off and leave my client alone. I was more than a bit apprehensive as, even though I had something over Edna, she was a woman who didn’t like to be crossed, especially if it involved her losing money – and I was quite certain that, in this instance, it would.

I required a plan; I needed it to work and, above all, I needed it fast. But I was stumped. Yes, the great detective didn’t know what to do. As I sat at my desk waiting for inspiration, I had a quick read of the front page of our daily newspaper, the Grimmtown Times. The headlines were of the usual type:

Dumpty Wins Citizen of the Year for Third Year Running.

Grimmtown Goblins Reach Regional Finals.

Tuffet’s Historic Status Confirmed by Local Archaeologist.

Mother Goose Wins Libel Case. Ugly Duckling Must Pay Damages.

Troll Finally Evicted from under Bridge. No More Tolls for Locals.

As I scanned them, the germ of a plan began to formulate. The more I thought about it, the more excited I became. I might just be able to pull this one out of the hat after all. I could even see my own headline: ‘Third Pig Saves the Day – Miss Muffet Stays.’ I grinned to myself and called Miss Muffet. It was time to swing into action.

An hour later Miss Muffet and I were standing outside the front door of Edna’s massive mansion. It was a very impressive house indeed – more like a palace. Built completely out of white marble, it stood at the top of a hill overlooking the rest of Grimmtown. If I were rich, it was just the kind of house I’d like to have. Unfortunately, I had to make do with a grotty flat that gave a great view of the local abattoir. It didn’t really compare.

The massive door in front of us swung inwards and one of Edna’s personal bodyguards, a large silverback gorilla in a tuxedo, stuck his head out for a look. There was a short pause while it tried to figure out where it had seen me before, followed by a spark of recognition and a very impressive accelerated leap backwards, his eyes bulging in fear. Miss Muffet was visibly impressed. If I could scare a gorilla like that, I was clearly the right man for the job. I neglected to tell her that, as a result of my last encounter with Edna and her goons, I had a protective spell placed on me. Any time one of the gorillas approached me, it began to shrink. By the time it reached me it was usually the size of a puppy and not in a position to do much by way of damage. It was a kind of magical restraining order and was the only thing that was allowing me to brazenly confront Edna in her lair. Well, would you want to take on two fully grown gorillas with bad attitude, bad breath, bad posture and bad dress sense – and that’s on top of all the other representatives of the criminal brotherhood that hung around in Edna’s? I’d met some of them before, during my last visit here, and it hadn’t ended well for quite a few of them. I’m sure they’d relish the prospect of another visit from me.

While the gorilla disappeared – presumably to announce my arrival – another, less impressive denizen of the house came out to see who was at the door. There was a short pause while it too tried to figure out where it had seen me before, followed, eventually, by another spark of recognition. It seemed to be the day for them.

‘Pig here,’ he shouted over his shoulder.

‘Pig from last night?’ came a reply from inside.