Ivan Brett - Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!

“The self-cleaning armchair?”

“I know! Why has nobody thought of it before? Anyway, do you want to come with me? Mum got another ticket for a friend and you’re my best friend.” Casper was Lamp’s best friend, whether he liked it or not.

However much Casper hated the idea of going, he really didn’t want to hurt Lamp’s feelings either. “OK. I suppose I’ll come with you.”

Lamp grinned.

“But no inventions, all right?”

Lamp’s grin faded. “I was going to wear my glow-in-the-dark trousers!”

Lamp’s glow-in-the-dark trousers were just a pair of back-to-front jeans with a torch stuck on each leg.

Casper looked worried. “I’m not sure that would be the best idea.”

“Fine,” said Lamp. “Not the trousers. Got it.”

By this time, the two boys had reached Casper’s front door. Casper could hear screeching from inside, followed by a loud bump, a howl and the smashing of glass.

“I think I’d better get inside.”

“Can I come in?”

“Not today, Lamp, I’ve got that punishment to do.”

“Okey-dokey. See you tomorrow.” Lamp waved and sponged off down the road. Then he stopped, turned round and sponged back in the other direction. He stopped again, scratched his head and looked back at Casper.

“That way.” Casper pointed in the direction of Lamp’s house. As Lamp walked off, Casper opened the door and made his way in, ducking just in time to avoid the orange glob of unidentified flying baby food that flew past his head and splatted on the wall behind him. “Great,” groaned Casper. “Feeding time.”

Chapter 3

Meet the Candlewackses

In this chapter, I’d like to talk to you about the mating patterns of Indonesian Wasps. But, given that the title is ‘Meet The Candlewackses’, that’s probably a bad idea. Perhaps there’ll be space for it later.

Casper dreaded coming home, every single day. It’s not that school was much better, but at least there he could get some sleep. Home was just horrible. First, there was his mum, Amanda Candlewacks. Amanda was once the most beautiful young woman in the Kobb Valley. She had flowing, golden hair that shone in the sun like radioactive noodles. She wore dresses made of pure, hand-woven silk and rode around on the back of a magical oversized butterfly. But then she married Casper’s father, they had their first little blond-haired baby, and it all went a bit wrong. Life got too stressful for Amanda and her escape was television. At first, she just watched the soaps. She’d track the goings-on of the folks down at Rudgebunkle Farm like there was a test on it afterwards. Then she got into the hospital dramas, and the knitting shows, and the late-night high stakes games of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Soon she wouldn’t miss a second of any of the sit-coms, even My Sister’s a Llama and Mates?!. Now she practically lived on that sofa, only getting up at advert breaks. She watched How Clean is your Face? and Cooking with Dinosaurs, sometimes The World’s Funniest Nostrils and always Whose Flan? Her once flowing, golden hair now resembled a dirty handful of dry straw, and she hadn’t ridden on the back of any magical oversized butterflies for years.

The poor woman was addicted to that telly like Betty Woons was addicted to jelly beans.

Casper’s dad, Julius Candlewacks, had to cook, clean, sweep, mop and dust. He had to do all the washing, get the weekly shopping and tend to his rapidly receding hairline. Add to that his job, head chef at The Boiled Sprout – the best (and worst) restaurant in Corne-on-the-Kobb – and the eight- month-old baby that he had to raise, Julius’s life was about as hellish as sticking your tongue in a hole punch. Casper was glad he didn’t have his dad’s life (or his hairline), but he did feel sorry for the man. He’d not had a day off for years, didn’t have any spare time for friends or sleep, and he hardly even spoke to Casper unless he was asking for help with the baby.

But it gets worse because this was no ordinary baby. This was Cuddles Candlewacks. Cuddles liked kicking, screaming and being sick and nothing else – except for biting. It loved biting. Cuddles was a tiny terror of a tiddler with six tremendous teeth, and preferred gnawing on people rather than cuddling them. Its teeth were razor-sharp, more like fangs, really, and it wasn’t afraid to use them. Audrey Snugglepuss, after trying to pat Cuddles on the head, lost her left thumb. She can no longer play the trombone (which, to be honest, is a relief).

Casper had never noticed whether Cuddles was a boy or a girl, but it didn’t really matter; its teeth would be just as sharp either way. Cuddles was just… Cuddles. Amanda had never taken any notice of Cuddles at all because it wasn’t on TV. Worst of all, since the last babysitter was admitted to hospital with multiple stab wounds and first-degree burns, when Julius went out to work every evening, Casper had to babysit.

“Hi, Dad,” Casper shouted. He stood in the cluttered hall next to an overturned pot plant. On his left was the darkened living room, where Amanda was slouched in her pyjamas, watching three pots of yoghurt splat about the screen. “Hi, Mum.”

No reply.

“Anything good on?”

“Shhh,” said Amanda, “this is a good bit.”

Casper walked past the stairs on his right, avoiding the patch of sick on the carpet, to the kitchen, where his father was overseeing Cuddles painting its face with its dinner. Julius was quite tall, with dark thinning hair and small ears. He wore a grubby chef’s jacket covered in sticky stains and crumbly bits, over a pair of mucky brown trousers that, years ago, used to be white. His chin was stubbly and unshaven and there were heavy bags under his eyes (eye bags, not shopping bags, you idiot). The poor man hadn’t had a full night of sleep since the day Cuddles was born.

“Come on, Cuddles. Eat this spoonful for Daddy…” pleaded Julius, prodding a plastic spoon towards the baby. Cuddles grabbed the spoon and flung it back at Julius, cackling with delight.

Casper surveyed the revolting mess that was the kitchen. There was baby food on the floor and quite a bit on the ceiling too. There was a massive pile of dirty pots and pans in the sink, sporting all different sorts of mould and grease, from putrid purple patches to stinking sepia slimy bits. Two smashed plates had been left on the floor next to the leftover cabbage, which a troop of hungry ants had recently invaded. They were now celebrating their victory by having a tiny ant-party with even tinier bottles of champagne and minuscule party hats.

“House needs a clean,” said Casper.

A pile of newspapers on the corner of the table began to ring. Julius looked at them and frowned. They rang again. Julius blinked. “Why are they…?”