Louise Rennison - Are these my basoomas I see before me?

10:45 a.m.I’m not phoning Jas because she was so grumpy with me last night for no reason.

Five minutes laterI think I may hate her actually.

Two minutes laterSo in a nutshell. My so-called bestie hates me and thinks I am the Whore of Babylon and my boyfriend may hate me, even though he doesn’t know the reason why he should hate me.

Six minutes laterIt is sooooo boring moping.

11:10 a.m.Masimo still hasn’t phoned me. I can’t stand this silence a moment longer. I am going to call an emergency Ace Gang meeting.

11:30 a.m.Rang Jools, Ellen, Rosie, Mabs and Honor.

11:45 a.m.I have arranged to meet the Ace Gang, with the exception of you know who, at 2:00 p.m. in the park. I wanted to meet at mine, but the rest of them want to watch the footie match. They are obsessed with boys.

11:50 a.m.I am just going to tell them all the whole truth and see what they say. Just come clean about the whole situation. Make a fresh start with my bestie mates. Truth is, after all, the cornerstone of friendship.

11:52 a.m.Well, when I say the whole truth, I will obviously not be mentioning the thing that I am not mentioning this side of the grave. And which I have forgotten about, to tell you the truth.

1:30 p.m.I seem to be working my way through the famous “losing it” scale. I have gone from merely having a spaz attack to being now on the edge of a complete nervy b. What if Masimo is actually at the footie match and ignores me?

What can I do?

I ask myself the question, “What would Baby Jesus do in these circumstances?”

One minute laterOf course! I must make myself irresistible to the Luuurve God by applying as much mascara as is humanly possible.

1:32 p.m.When I went into the bathroom, Angus was sitting on the looseat. He just looked at me when I came in and then half shut his eyes, like a halfwit cat.

I said, “Oy, what are you doing in here?”

He yawned and then he put his paw on the loo handle. Like he was flushing it.

What fresh hell?

Surely he isn’t pooing in the loo?

He jumped down and skittered off out at about a million miles an hour. How weird.

I wonder if being run over has affected his brain.

Mind you, I read about the Moscow State Circus and they’ve got some cats who can pull a carriage and play chess at the same time.

Maybe I could get Angus a job in the Russian circus displaying his pulling-the-loo-handle skills.

The Russian volk might quite like that.

You never know.

1:40 p.m.Oh, bloody hell, he’s been in my make-up bag again.

Why would a cat eat lip gloss?

1:45 p.m.OK, I am ready to get entrancing and alluring. I am wearing jeans and a skinny jummie, and because I am off to watch a footie match, I’ve put my hair into a little ponytail. Très sportif . It gives me a casual, sporty air.

I may wear my shades to add to my mysterious “uuumph” quality.

1:46 p.m.Just a hint of “uuumph” but not ummphy in the “oy, you slaaaag” sort of way.

2:10 p.m.When I arrived at our usual meeting place underneath the big chestnut tree, Sven and Rosie were there. Practically eating each other. Do they ever stop snogging?

Rosie knew I was there because she waved her hand at me.

Eventually, I went: “Hellllooooooo” for a bit until they came up for air.

Rosie took out her chuddie and said, “Bonsoir , sensation-seeker.”

Sven leaped to his feet and picked me up (thank God I had my jeans on) and started carrying me around singing, “Oh ja , oh ja! The hills are alive wiv zer pants, hahaha, oh ja pants!!!”

I said to Rosie, who was reapplying her lippy, “Rosie, make him put me down…” Rosie said, “Down, boy.”

He put me down and licked Rosie’s face before he ambled off like Lug the Larger to the footie field.

I said to her, “How does this happen? One minute I’ve got more boyfriends than I can shake a stick at and the next minute I am the Leper of Rheims.”

Rosie looked at me and put her armey round me. “Would you like to sit on my knee for a bit? You like that.”

I just looked at her.

Five minutes laterJools, Mabs, Hons and Ellen arrived.

The meeting began with the official passing around of the Midget Gems. Then we discussed how to make Masimo stop having the hump and start having the Horn.

Twenty minutes laterThis is our cunning plan.

I have to be nice.

That is it.

I have to be nicey girl on legs for as long as it takes to make Masimo luuurve me again.

The Ace Gang is going to help by only saying really, really nice things about me.

There was a bit of a verging on the “mentioning the thing that I will not be mentioning this side of the grave” when Ellen said, “Masimo, I mean, he like…well, he got the hump when…er…the twisting, or maybe Dave the Laugh or something…erm.”

Jools said, “Ah yes, he didn’t like you dancing like a fool with Dave the Laugh, did he?”

Mabs said, “It’s his hot Pizza-a-gogo blood. They get vair jealous.”

Rosie said, “You might have to eschew Dave the Laugh with a firm hand for a bit.”

OK, well, I can knock it on the head laaarfwise with the Hornmeister.

It’s a shame. But ho hum pig’s bum.

Two minutes laterBut what if I don’t even get the chance to be nicey-nice girl?

What if Masimo doesn’t get in touch with me again?

I fear the tensionosity will drive me to not only having a complete nervy b. but I might also go ballisticisimus.

2:45 p.m.The lads are arriving, getting their boots on and shouting WUBBISH. They don’t seem to be able to just say “Hello” to each other. It’s all “Aaaaaaah, you’re shit!” and “On my head.” “Hello, you complete tosser.” Quite, quite weird. No sign of Dave the Laugh-perhaps he’s not playing today. Just as well really.

2:50 p.m.Sven has put two footballs down the front of his shirt and is swaying around like a girl. A girl nearly two metres tall, with massive hairy legs and the beginnings of a goatee.

Rosie said, “I think I’m on the turn. Svenetta is bringing out my inner lesbian.”

Oh good, everyone has gone bonkers. Excellent.

I said, “Rosie, will you promise not to mention your inner lezzie if Masimo turns up?”

Rosie winked at me. “I’ll try, but don’t you start waggling your nungas about, you little minx.”

Do you see what I mean? This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

Five minutes laterDom, Edward, Rollo, Declan, Sven and two others of the Stiff Dylans are all running around “limbering up”. Meanwhile, it’s Cosmetic Headquarters behind our tree. In principal, I think you should be loved for yourself, and your soul shines through even if you haven’t got mascara on. I know this is what Baby Jesus says and he is renowned for never having worn mascara. So, in principal, I think you should just be yourself, but in practice, I am applying just a tad more mascara.

Speaking of which, Ellen is in such a ditherama about seeing Declan that she has actually got some mascara on her teeth. How?

Two minutes laterJas’n’Tom have turned up.

Oh yes. Here comes Miss Prissy Knickersherself. And her boyfriend, Hunky. She caught sight of us and shouted over, “Hi, Rosie, hi, Ellen, Mabs, Jools, Hons…”

She deliberately didn’t say hello to me. How childish.

Two could play at that game.