Kylie Chan - Earth to Hell

‘You can’t change something like that,’ the Tiger said, still grim.

‘Whatever. Right now it’ll keep all those losers off your back.’

‘Starting with that little blue creep,’ Simone said with relish. ‘God, I loved the look on his face when he thought about touching the yin. He’s been so arrogant, expecting me to just fall at his feet because he’s so freaking gorgeous.’

‘He’s Qing Long’s,’ I said. ‘I wonder if any of his children haven’t inherited his attitude?’

‘Nope,’ the Tiger said.

‘So. Hell,’ Simone said. ‘Help us out here, Uncle Bai. What do we need to take with us?’

Bai Hu leaned back and put his hands on the table. ‘Right. Hell. This is what you need to do.’

I came around on the couch at home, with the Tiger’s concerned face above me. I sat up. ‘I’m okay.’

Simone sat on the opposite couch, still in her robes.

‘How long was I out this time?’ I said.

‘Only a couple of minutes. It’s quicker every time. Soon you’ll be able to transport without losing consciousness at all,’ the Tiger said.

Monica heard us and came out of the kitchen. ‘Welcome back, ma’am.’ She saw the armour and the sword. ‘Did everything work out okay?’

‘It’s all fine.’ I rose and headed into the kitchen. ‘Could you make us some tea? We need to talk.’

‘There are a lot of messages for you as well, ma’am,’ Monica said.

I pulled off the sword and the armour and dropped them onto the floor next to the pantry. Simone headed towards her room, probably to change out of the robes. The Tiger and I sat across the kitchen table from each other. Monica put a pot of Chinese tea in front of the Tiger and a mug of Ceylon tea in front of me and we nodded our thanks. Notes and envelopes covered the table, and the Tiger picked a few up to read them. I slapped his hand and he grimaced and dropped them.

‘Dinner at home tonight, ma’am?’ Monica said.

‘Yes, thanks, Monica.’

I flipped through the envelopes. Mostly bills, they could be handled later. I checked the phone messages. Three from staff on the Mountain. Two from Generals. One from the bank. One from Simone’s teacher, asking me to call her back urgently.

Simone returned in a pair of scruffy jeans and a T-shirt. She had let her hair down without brushing it and it formed tangled skeins around her head. I waved the note at her. ‘You been up to anything at school?’

‘Nope.’ She pulled a box of lemon tea out of the fridge and sat with it. ‘As far as I know I’m not in trouble about anything, but I’ve skipped a few classes lately, and you didn’t ring them this morning to tell them I wasn’t going to be there.’

‘Oh yeah, that’s right,’ I said. ‘You have to remind me, Simone. I have too much going on all at the same time.’

‘I’ve got a bunch of notes for you too.’ She jumped up and went out.

‘Just bring them directly,’ the Tiger said to her back.

‘I’m not lazy like you,’ she retorted without turning around.

I moaned and leaned on the table. ‘This school is solely responsible for the destruction of countless rainforests. She brings home a mountain of notes every week. It’s okay for the mothers at home who have time to attend endless morning teas and tennis socials, but I have better things to do with my time.’

‘You wouldn’t have that problem —’ the Tiger began.

I cut him off. ‘If she went to Celestial High. I know. But she wants to be normal.’

He snorted, and opened his mouth to say something, but Simone came in with a stack of notes and put them in front of me. ‘This is from last week too.’

I quickly flipped through the information and stopped at an envelope with ‘Mr and Mrs Chen’ typewritten on the outside. I glared at Simone, but she just shrugged. ‘No idea.’

‘I ring them every time to tell them to address stuff to me,’ I grumbled as I opened the envelope. I read the note, then threw it on the table. ‘You’ve been missing too many classes lately and they want to talk to me immediately. They want me to contact your teacher right now for an interview.’

‘I don’t want to repeat Year Nine, Emma. Please go and talk to them,’ Simone said.

‘If she went to Celestial High —’ the Tiger began.

Simone cut him off. ‘I’m not going to any Celestial High full of Celestial freaks. I want to stay down here with normal people.’

‘What does that make me?’ the Tiger said gruffly.

‘The biggest freak of all,’ she shot back. She turned to me. ‘Please, Emma, talk to my teacher. Give them some excuse. Tell them I have cancer or something and I need chemo …’ She changed her appearance so that she appeared ten kilos lighter. Her cheeks went hollow and her eyes sunk. ‘Tell them I’m dying and I can’t attend because of that.’

‘I’ll email your teacher and arrange an interview for after we’ve come back from Hell,’ I said. ‘I need to check my email anyway. And don’t let me forget to write you a note to say that you’re sick.’ I sighed with exasperation. ‘And change back, that looks awful.’

Her appearance returned to normal. ‘I can’t hold it for long anyway.’

I rose from the table. ‘I’d better check my email, it’ll be backed up forever.’

‘You two have been gone just a few hours and you still forgot to do a lot of important stuff,’ the Tiger said, waving his teacup at the notes on the table. ‘You should hire a secretary.’

‘Look, the two of us already have two live-in staff,’ I said. ‘If I hire someone else, it’ll just be more people for me to manage. And remember, we’re trying to keep as normal a profile as possible. We’re already unusual in that we have a domestic helper whose husband has a job outside. A home secretary would be complete overkill, especially since I’m just supposed to be Simone’s guardian and nothing more.’

I rose, picked up my tea and went to the office. I had nearly two hundred messages. I ran the spam filter then checked the remainder. There were still a hundred and fifty left.

I filed the info memos from the Heavens, the Academy and the Mountain, and flipped through the important stuff. There was a message from Simone’s teacher, three situations requiring my attention in the Northern Heavens, and two more about the Academy.

And nearly seventy-five messages of congratulation on my appointment as First Heavenly General. Some of them were obviously grudging.

Wonderful.

When I got home from the Academy the next day, I could hear the yelling from the lift lobby. I hesitated at the apartment’s front door, then opened it and went in. The yelling was louder: two male voices, probably in the dining room. I kicked my shoes off and hurried in. The Tiger and Michael both stopped shouting and glared at me. Simone was there as well. She shook her head and sighed with exasperation.

The Tiger thrust his hand towards Michael. ‘Stupid bastard wants to go with you.’

I leaned on the back of one of the dining chairs. ‘You can’t, Michael, you’re not Immortal.’

‘Neither are you. And neither is she ,’ Michael said, gesturing towards Simone. He dropped his arm and spoke with force. ‘I want to help Leo out. Let me come along and talk to him.’ He glared at the Tiger. ‘He was like a father to me. I think he’d listen to me.’

‘Oh, thank you very much .’ The Tiger pulled a chair out and flopped to sit. ‘What does that make me?’

‘Irrelevant,’ Michael said.

‘Big words,’ the Tiger shot back. ‘Harvard must agree with you, preppy boy.’ He leaned over the table. ‘Rhonda’s ready to move back into the Palace, boy, you know that? If she remarries me, then I’ll really be your fucking father, not just this “biological” business that you keep carrying on about. You’ll be obeying me , not some fucking black gay-lo .’