Kylie Chan - Earth to Hell

I sighed. ‘I have no idea what I am, Celestial Majesty.’ I looked up at him, full of hope. ‘Could you have a look at me? You might know what I am.’

‘What if she is his Serpent?’ Simone said. ‘If he comes back and they rejoin?’

‘Then she’d probably disappear completely into him. You’d lose her, and gain his yang side.’ The Emperor smiled at his tea. ‘Not an ideal situation for those who love you, I think, Lady Emma, whatever your feelings on the matter.’

Simone glanced sharply at me.

I shook my head and looked down. ‘I want it, Simone. I want to be part of him, to join with him. I want it more than anything in the world.’ I sighed and looked into her eyes. ‘I want to be his Serpent.’

‘You aren’t,’ Bai Hu said. ‘We’ve seen it. The Serpent shows up occasionally, wreaks havoc with the weather and then disappears again.’

‘That’s true, it’s highly unlikely,’ the Jade Emperor said. He sipped his tea. ‘Even I don’t know what you are. I have never seen anything like you before.’

‘I thought you knew all,’ I said with humour.

‘I know all in the Eastern Plane. Something about you is not part of this Plane and therefore beyond my knowledge,’ he said. ‘Maybe it is part of your Western or Southern heritage. When Ah Wu returns and we have our conference we can find out more.’

Simone leaned over the table and whispered, ‘Please don’t be Daddy’s Serpent. I couldn’t bear to lose you when he returns.’

‘I’ll try not to be, Simone. That’s all I can promise.’

‘Are we finished?’ the Jade Emperor said.

‘Thanks, Celestial Majesty,’ I said. ‘I appreciate your time.’

He waved it down. ‘Not a problem, Emma. I nearly came down to see you anyway; I was sick to death of hearing about Leo.’

The Jade Emperor rose and we did as well. Simone hesitated, then went to him and embraced him. She kissed him on the cheek.

‘Thanks for everything,’ she said.

He smiled up at her; she was about five centimetres taller than him. ‘You’re welcome, sweetheart. Thanks for showing me your Celestial Form, it’s spectacular. Now.’ He put his arm around her waist and glanced from her to me. ‘I’d like to give you two some little gifts I have for you, but I want to do it with all the Imperial bullshit in front of everybody. Do you mind?’

‘Do you have to?’ Simone whined.

He squeezed her around the waist. ‘Oh, come on, make an old man happy.’

‘Promise you won’t make me take serpent form,’ Isaid.

‘Cross my heart. I never wanted to force you into serpent form; I just wanted you to show them that defiance is the right path to take when it is with good reason. But Simone,’ he looked up at her, ‘it would be a good idea to take the full version of your True Form. Scare any potential suitors half to death. Pull in all the yin you can, wrap it around you. Make your eyes huge and black, your hair as well if you can. Be as scary as possible. Make them think twice about doing anything stupid to make me give them your hand. Carry Seven Stars, the blade bare. Have you tried to load it with energy?’

‘I’m not game.’

‘Don’t worry about it then. Just take your biggest, scariest Celestial Form.’

‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘Do it, Simone.’

‘What are you going to give us though?’ Simone asked.

‘Just a couple of little things,’ the Emperor said. He squeezed her again. ‘You’ll do it for me?’

She shrugged. ‘Okay.’

General Qin announced us again. ‘Bodhisattva Kwan Yin. Lord Bai Hu of the West. Princess Simone. Lady Emma Donahoe.’

Why does he keep doing us in the wrong order? Simone said. You have precedence over Uncle Bai.

I raised my hand to hush her and we walked down the carpet again. Even more Celestials had turned up. The hall was nearly full.

We did the obeisance thing at the base of the dais, and this time the Emperor quickly told us to rise.

We stood and waited.

Er Lang raised a scroll and read from it, sounding unhappy. This time he was in human form, appearing as a normal, good-looking young Chinese warrior. His third eye was closed and undetectable. ‘Lady Emma Donahoe, step forward.’

I moved to the base of the steps that led up to the throne.

The Jade Emperor rose from the throne and raised one hand. ‘Approach, Lady Emma.’

I bowed slightly, then climbed the stairs to the top. A young woman in a floating pink robe appeared behind the Emperor holding a black and silver cloisonné casket. The casket was about thirty centimetres long.

At the top of the stairs I fell to one knee and saluted again.

You are very good at this , the Emperor said.

I winked at him on the way back up.

He gestured for me to stand beside him and face the hall, and I did. The raised faces of hundreds of Celestials shone below me. Simone watched from the bottom of the dais, her own expression full of pride.

‘Lady Emma Donahoe is the Chosen of the Supreme Lord of the Dark Northern Heavens,’ the Emperor said loudly.

Everybody in the hall went completely still and silent. The Emperor’s voice echoed through the vast space.

‘The Dark Lord appointed Lady Emma to be Regent. She has been kept on probation; her performance has been monitored.’

He nodded and the young woman approached with the casket. He opened the lid to reveal a black jade ruyi — a thirty-centimetre long ornamental sceptre shaped like an archer’s bow, with a cloud design on one end and a set of pa kua symbols on the other. Twining snakes adorned the centre of the rod. Its flattened body had a central knob on the underside to hold it when it sat on the desk. ‘Ruyi’ meant ‘as one wills’. It was a symbolic representation of the holder’s will and a fung shui method of gaining positive outcomes to decisions. Most of the Celestials in the hall held them as indicators of rank.

The Jade Emperor carefully lifted the ruyi out of the box and turned to me. He spoke loudly and firmly as he held the sceptre out. ‘This ruyi represents the Dark Lord’s dominion. Lady Emma is no longer on probation; we confirm her rank and station as Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens, Ruler of the Celestial Mountain of Wudang, and Acting First Heavenly General.’

I froze. First Heavenly General? I didn’t have time for that! Simone had exams coming up, and the students needed to be organised after the end-of-year holiday trips home. And it was tax time soon.

Only in name, don’t panic, Emma , the Emperor said. Er Lang can handle it .

I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, took the sceptre with both hands and bowed.

Turn to face them holding the ruyi , he said, then switched to out loud. ‘We confirm Lady Emma Donahoe as Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens. Obey her as you obey the Dark Lord.’

Everybody in the hall, even Simone, silently fell to one knee and saluted me; except for Kwan Yin who just nodded.

I turned to the Jade Emperor, knelt on one knee and saluted him as First Heavenly General with the ruyi resting in the crook of my left elbow. I sneaked a look at Er Lang; he was glowering at me. Uh-oh.

‘Dismissed,’ the Emperor said.

I saluted him again, rose, and walked down the stairs to stand next to Simone.

Simone was called up next, and another box was pulled out.

‘Princess Simone is given Celestial Endorsement,’ the Emperor said. He pulled a jade tablet out of the box and presented it to her. ‘She may call upon the Celestial any time.’

Simone bowed and returned to stand next to me. The Jade Emperor returned to his throne.

Er Lang read from the scroll. ‘Princess Simone is ordered to take Celestial Form.’