Kylie Chan - Hell to Heaven

‘I have never heard anybody speak to a Building Block like that before,’ Venus said with wonder. ‘Or a Heavenly General, for that matter.’

‘Get used to it,’ the stone grumbled. ‘She’s so blunt sometimes I wince.’

‘That’s you rubbing off on me ,’ I said.

‘Conceded,’ the stone said.

Venus shook his head over his rice.

We didn’t get down to business until the coffee and cheesecake, but Venus was such a charming companion that I didn’t mind the wait.

‘Generally the news is good,’ he said. ‘The residents of the Northern Heavens have made their feelings known about your solution to the energy problem; you have gained a great deal of political mileage with this one.’

‘It had nothing to do with me,’ I said. ‘It’s the Xuan Wu’s children who have made it happen.’

‘Regardless, you are the one who brought them together,’ Venus said.

‘I’ve established a small team of Celestials to search all the nearby oceans for any other children of the Xuan Wu who may have been enslaved by Six,’ I said. ‘We found one turtle and three snakes. I hope we find them all; but they themselves say that when their father is back, he’ll be able to find them quickly.’

‘That is good news. Any reports on the locations of the other two demons in that group?’

‘I have people in Thailand working together with the Phoenix’s people to search for the Death Mother,’ I said. ‘It appears that both she and the Geek have gone to ground.’

‘The Geek is somewhere in Shenzhen, correct?’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t know which is worse: the urban jungle of Shenzhen, or the tropical jungle of Thailand.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Anything else major happening that I need to know about?’

‘Not really. Simone is settling nicely into her new school. Leo is learning very quickly; only yesterday he started using telepathy.’

‘Really?’ Venus’s face went slack for a moment, then he snapped back and grinned. ‘He told me he’d come have lunch with us next time, but only if I’m buying and I wear something … to quote him … “really cute”.’

‘Stone, tell Leo that he is such a man-whore,’ I said.

Venus’s eyes went wide.

Oh snap , Leo said. Can you do me a favour and come up to the bank when you’re done there and scare the living daylights out of these assholes for me? I need backup!

Venus obviously heard it too. ‘He did not just ask you to go rescue him?’ he said.

I shrugged. ‘Apparently I do “angry gweipoh” extremely well.’

‘What is that? Angry “foreign grandmother”?’

‘You don’t see them as much any more, but back before the Handover they were everywhere.’

‘The Handover?’

‘Hong Kong to China, in ’97. Anyway, imagine this. You have a wealthy English lady, probably from an old, titled family, who’s always had everything her own way. Back in England, tradesmen came to her house at the snap of her fingers, she paid them very well for the finest-quality work, and was treated like a princess by everybody. She comes here and the quality of the work is slapdash, tradesmen turn up at eleven at night, customer service is sloppy everywhere, and nobody treats her like a princess. After a couple of years of this, she gets angry with the whole thing. The minute anything isn’t exactly as she wants it she throws a huge tantrum to get things moving. Well, that’s what Leo wants me to do for him over at the bank.’

‘Sounds like some of the local women as well,’ Venus said wryly.

‘Yeah, I saw that YouTube of the woman throwing a tantrum at the airport too,’ I said.

We were interrupted by a woman loudly arguing with the waiter about the items on her bill, and shared a smile.

I finished my coffee, caught a waiter’s eye and drew a circle in the air to indicate that I wanted the bill. He nodded and turned away to retrieve it.

‘Nothing else exciting happening?’ I said. ‘Sounds like things are reasonably under control for a change.’

‘The Demon King still tries us, but for some reason his attempts lately have been half-hearted,’ Venus said. ‘Oh! Er Lang.’

I sagged over the table, picked up my fork and drew circles in the remains of my cheesecake with it. ‘Tell me the worst.’

‘He has once again petitioned the Celestial to have you removed from your post, citing lack of competence.’

I shrugged. ‘Situation normal then.’

‘Don’t be concerned, Emma, the Celestial supports your efforts. The recent rejuvenation of the Northern Heavens is a demonstration of your suitability for the role. Remember, if the Kingdom flourishes, it indicates that the sovereign is worthy.’

‘Martin and Yue Gui should be running the place in name as well as reality,’ I said. ‘They do all the work and I’m the one getting the credit; it’s wrong.’

‘That is the way it should be. You are the supreme ruler, and they manage the day-to-day affairs for you. The generals have been freed from the more tedious administrative tasks and can concentrate on defending the Heavens, which is probably why the Demon King has slowed his efforts. It is an excellent result all around.’

‘I’d just like to know which demon it was that gave Yue Gui to me in the first place,’ I said. ‘It could have been Six, hoping to plant a spy, or another demon trying to undermine Six’s efforts by telling us about the nest under Golden Arcade.’

‘I’d say most likely it was either the Death Mother or the Geek, using one of Six’s stone-implanted Shen as a spy and at the same time undermining Six’s own empire. You can ask them yourself when you catch them.’

The waiter brought the bill and I pulled out my wallet to pay.

Venus knew better than to give me grief about the bill. ‘My turn to pay next time.’

I nodded. ‘Remind me before we order so I can get something extremely expensive.’

‘I will,’ he said. After the waiter had left he turned around to his bodyguards and nodded. ‘We’re done.’

One of the bodyguards rose and came to us. He stood fidgeting for a moment, then said, ‘Lady Emma, ma’am, I have heard very much about you from Lord Venus. May I ask you a question?’

‘Sure, go ahead,’ I said.

The waiter came with the folder containing the receipt and my credit card, and I nodded and removed them.

‘Do you give private tuition, ma’am?’ the bodyguard said. ‘My skills are weak with sword, polearm and spear. My broadsword is terrible, and I completely fail at chain staff —’

‘You exaggerate; your martial arts skills are the match of anyone,’ Venus said amiably.

The waiter stared at us.

‘Would you teach me, ma’am?’ the bodyguard said. ‘Could I come down to the Academy and learn from you?’

‘There are plenty of instructors at the Academy who are better than me,’ I said. ‘Venus has my secretary’s number; just give her a call and she’ll arrange something for you.’

The bodyguard fell to one knee and then rose again, to the bemused stares of nearby diners. ‘I would appreciate it if you could spare some of your own time, ma’am.’

‘Let me see what I can work out,’ I said. ‘I really am too busy to take on private students.’

The bodyguard nodded, grinning broadly. ‘Thank you, ma’am!’

‘Did you just ask this gweipoh for private tuition in martial arts?’ the waiter asked the bodyguard in Cantonese.

‘Yes,’ the bodyguard said. ‘She is the best !’

‘I’m not the best, and you know it,’ I said. ‘There are many, many better than me.’

‘Have you been in any famous movies, ma’am?’ the waiter said.