Madelynne Ellis - Come Alive

‘Yes, well, you know the solution to that – don’t hump on trains.’

She pitched another glance at Xane over her shoulder. ‘He’s not so easy to say no to.’

‘Is that how you came to agree to share Xane with Luthor?’ Spook welcomed her inside. He flicked on a few lights that gave a warm glow to some dingy corners.

Dani considered her response as she toed off her shoes and left them in the entry-hall-cum-boot-room. Beyond lay a corridor that opened out halfway along into a huge open-plan living space, with a mezzanine level nestled up near the bared rafters.

‘I don’t want to lose him,’ she admitted, when Spook followed her into the room and indicated she was welcome to sit. She flopped onto a ludicrously comfortable sofa. ‘We talked it through. I agreed I was prepared to give things a go with some rules in place.’

Spook nodded. ‘Good luck with that.’

‘I know I can’t be everything he needs, and I don’t want to force him to deny part of himself. Do you not think it’s the right choice?’

‘It’s not my decision.’

She realised that the others hadn’t come in. ‘Did they get lost?’ she asked, standing up and retracing a few of her steps. Rock Giant opened the door to the boot-room at exactly that moment, providing her with a glimpse of the room beyond, and Xane and Luthor entwined within one another’s arms, enjoying a sultry smooch.

Ice water seemed to fill her veins. Spook gently squeezed the top of her arm. ‘Take a breath, Dani. They’re saying hello. I expect they haven’t realised you’re not right beside them.’

‘Yeah.’ She let out a shuddering breath. ‘It’s OK. I’m OK.’

At least Xane released his grip on Luthor’s arse at that moment and turned to her. He smiled, in a way that illuminated all the joy in his heart. It was OK. He was moving towards her, scooping her into his arms and kissing her with every bit as much affection as he’d shown Luthor. ‘Which room is ours?’ he said to Spook.

Dani dug her teeth into her lip, torn between the swell of love invoked by the press of Xane’s body and his desire for her and the fear that he intended to drag both her and Luthor to bed right this minute.

‘Along there on the left, beside the bathroom. I thought you and Dani could have the double and Ash and Ginny can have the twin room as he’s still recuperating.’

Bless Spook for not bundling Luthor in with them.

‘And where am I?’ Rock Giant asked.

‘I thought you and Luthor could pair up and share the Little House.’

‘The Little House – what is that, a separate building?’

‘Yes.’

‘Fan-fucking-tastic,’ Paul replied, punching a fist into the air. ‘It means for possibly the first time ever I won’t have to listen to groans and humping as I attempt to drop off. Grab your bag, roomie.’ He mock-punched Luthor in the shoulder, failing to notice Luthor’s distinct lack of enthusiasm for the arrangement. ‘You’d better not snore.’

‘You do snore,’ Luthor complained, rubbing his arm. ‘I’ve heard you.’ He cast Xane a wan look. Clearly he’d hoped to be, if not sharing a room with his lover, then at least just across the hall. Staying in a building that was some distance away from the main house wasn’t going to make sexy night-time shenanigans quite so easy to arrange.

Dani pinched herself to counter the sudden elation she felt. She didn’t want to make things awkward, but some distance seemed like a good thing.

‘It’s this way.’ Spook led Rock Giant and Luthor out of a door on the opposite side of the house from where they’d entered. ‘Get yourselves settled in. If you need anything, give me a shout when I get back. My room is upstairs off the mezzanine.’

Only when they’d gone did Dani wonder where Elspeth would sleep once she arrived. Perhaps there was more than one outbuilding, but then why make Luthor and Rock Giant share?

Xane grabbed her suitcase along with his own bag and they set off to locate their room. It was bright and airy, with windows on both exterior walls. The smell of pine wood drifted in through one that was latched slightly ajar.

Dani set about unpacking her clothes into the chest of drawers immediately, while Xane dropped his bag under the nearest window and then sagged into the driftwood throne occupying the far corner.

‘I ought to be cross with you,’ Dani said as she worked, placing T-shirts and smalls into the top drawer, which was large enough that she could probably have fitted the whole suitcase in. ‘You were kissing him. You’re only supposed to do that when I’m there.’

‘You were there.’

She could hear the confusion in his voice. Spook had been right. Xane had been so lost in Luthor that he hadn’t noticed she was no longer around.

‘Actually, I went ahead with Spook. I only saw you because Rock Giant happened to open the door. Otherwise …’ She shook her head.

She heard him rise from the chair and the patter of his feet on the floor. His arms came around her from behind. ‘In which case, I’m sorry. We were just saying hello.’

‘I know that.’ Of course she understood. Lovers greeted one another with kisses. She and Xane did it often every day. If one of them left the room and then came back, it sometimes called for a hello kiss. It was reassuring. It made her feel wanted in exactly the same way as feeling him rub his early-morning wood against her arse did when they were snuggled together like spoons. It was just slightly unsettling facing the reality of Xane having someone else he wanted to share that sort of relationship with.

He must have sensed her agitation. ‘You’re regretting ever agreeing to this, aren’t you?’

‘I’ve some concerns, and I’m nervous about him. I don’t want this to mean the end of us.’ She turned around within his embrace to face him.

‘It won’t be, Dani. Please, don’t get wound up by it.’

‘It’s not something I can switch on and off. It’s awkward. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to behave. I feel as if everyone’s watching me, expecting me to react.’

‘They’re not watching you.’

‘Of course they are, Xane. They’re worried that if it all goes to pieces it’ll mean the end of the band. What happened between you, Elspeth and Steve is still very much on their minds. It’s not been that long.’

‘Yes, but our relationship bears no resemblance to that one: different attractions, different people with very different personalities. There’s nothing toxic about what we have.’

She nodded, wanting to agree, but still all too aware of the butterflies beating in her stomach.

He fell silent a moment as he observed her with an unusual level of intensity. ‘I know we agreed that Luthor and I wouldn’t get intimate unless you were there, but do you really mean that I can’t kiss him if you’re not present? Would it not make more sense to say no sex?’

‘With you one inevitably leads to the other.’

He frowned in a way that painted shadows across his irises. You don’t trust me, the look screamed.

Dani turned back to the task of sorting her possessions.

‘Did you have anything to do with the bedroom arrangements?’

‘No.’

‘It might have been less awkward if we’d all been together.’

‘No.’ She stopped, and curled her fingers around the edge of the open drawer. ‘It would have been nightmarish. I’m giving this a chance, Xane. I’m doing it for you, but please don’t make it all so fast that I end up with my head spinning. My world is topsy-turvy enough, what with all the drama of the band, my mum, and the media interest in us. I love you, I want you to be happy, but …’

No amount of words was going to make him understand. She slipped out of his immediate reach, needing the space in which to straighten her thoughts. When she’d agreed to try this, back in Halmstad, things had seemed simpler somehow. Time apart had given rise to awkwardness. And she was acutely aware of what Xane wanted. If there were no barriers in place between him and Luthor, he’d have dragged him in here five minutes ago and they’d have been furiously screwing on the bed right now. What he really wanted from her now was permission to do that. Well, she wasn’t ready to see him bollocks deep inside Luthor just yet. She hated the way the simple thought of seeing them thus entwined filled her skin with a sort of irritating electrical charge. Looking down at her bare arms, she could see all the tiny hairs standing on end.