T Williams - Dirty Minds

‘Do you know, I think I have.’ She was warming to the task. She would give it a try. If the man were a pervert she would find out soon enough. And it wasn’t as if she was about to meet him in some secluded lane, after all. ‘For the last five years of my life, I have been immersed in Émile Zola’s Rougon-Macquart series. That’s twenty books set in nineteenth-century France, mainly in Paris and Provence. I’ll set it in, say, 1875, somewhere down in the South of France. Excellent.’

‘Sounds good to me.’ Scott was impressed.

‘So, Penelope, when it comes to the old rumpy-pumpy, just what experience do you have to draw upon?’ The future doctor employed his most formal tones while mocking her. She refused to be phased by him. Attack is the best form of defence. She looked him straight in the eye.

‘You’re right, Jamie. I haven’t seen a cock for ages. Would you pull yours out for me to take a look at? It might remind me what it’s all about.’

Both boys goggled. Scott blushed red. Even Jamie was reduced to silence. This was a side to Auntie Pen they hadn’t experienced before. She collected the contents of the envelope and left while the going was good.

Janet met Melissa in the corner café. They had met like this almost every Thursday lunchtime for over four years, ever since Janet had moved her business to London. She took her herbal tea over to the corner table they had adopted. Melissa looked up from her magazine.

‘What’s new, Jan? Did the leopard skin shoes recover from the soaking?’

‘Sort of. They’re about two shades darker now. Talking of shades, I got a reply from my dirty book man.’

Melissa looked up in surprise.

Janet had already decided to tell her everything. They had known each other since school and had few secrets. Melissa had been a guest at Janet’s wedding. Janet had been to both of Melissa’s. She sat down and went through the story. She started with the advert and finished with Tuesday’s letter. As she outlined the new project, she saw her friend’s eyes widen.

‘Well, that’s a bit different, I must say.’

‘I still can’t tell you why I went for it. I think it was just such a strange advert I needed to know what it was all about.’

‘By the sounds of it you’ll need to know lots of things to write this kind of stuff. Are you sure you know enough about it?

‘Enough about what?’ Of course she knew what Melissa meant, really.

‘Sex, Jan, kinky sex. Fifty Shades of Grey is all about bondage, submission and sadomasochism. I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing.’

‘Firstly, I’m not, and second, it’s not all about that sort of thing. Have you read it?’

‘Well, no, but the girls at work have been talking about it for weeks, months.’

‘Well, I have. I got it off the internet last week. It’s not the greatest book in the world, but there’s a story to it. It’s not just non-stop spanking. In fact there’s little or no sex for ages. And anyway the man said I could choose the time, place and “encounter” I liked. It doesn’t have to be chains and whips.’

‘Well, that’s a relief. Mind you, that’s just for your trial piece. What if he comes back with some outrageous plot involving really horrid stuff?’

‘Then I won’t be part of it.’ She had been debating this very point for the last two days. ‘Anyway, he said it would be a joint effort, involving give and take.’

Melissa wasn’t convinced but she could see that Janet had made up her mind. The one good thing in all this was that her friend was looking more animated than she had seen her for months.

‘At least you’re sounding full of beans. Maybe this will be the breakthrough you have been waiting for. So, what time, place and, erm, “encounter” are you going to choose? Time means historical time, presumably?’

‘That’s right. He says our book has to be historical. I quite like that. After all, my degree was history, you know.’

Melissa had forgotten. History? How a history degree had prepared Janet for her post at the head of a big recruitment agency was a mystery. It always astonished her that she found the time to do her writing at all. The company was still expanding.

‘So if it’s history, what period appeals?’

‘I’ve been wondering about that. The only periods I know reasonably well are the Romans, the Tudors and Stuarts, and the twentieth century. My Masters was on the rise of fascism in Europe.’

‘Hmm, I don’t like the sound of Nazis and death camps. Anything involving the SS or the Gestapo could be very, very nasty.’

‘I know. I’ve already ruled that out. The Romans, of course, were pretty promiscuous. Lots of weird stuff going on back then.’

‘You’re right. I was watching Carry on Cleo over Christmas. Lots of hanky-panky.’

‘I think we need to go a good bit further than “hanky-panky”.’

‘Slave girls violated, naked Christians thrown to the lions, drunken orgies – that the kind of stuff you mean?’ Melissa was beginning to get her creative juices running.

‘Yes, I suppose so, but it all depends on our target audience.’

‘And that is?’

‘I’ve been wondering about that. He didn’t mention it in the letter, at least not directly. Fifty Shades of Grey is a women’s book: by a woman, for women. And women read more books than men, don’t they. I must look up the statistics.’

‘Way ahead of you.’ Melissa was never without her smartphone. ‘Hang on,’ her fingers flashed over the keys. ‘And the answer is … wow, I am amazed. It says here that 65 percent of books are read by women. Presumably because men are too busy getting drunk and watching football.’

‘That reminds me, how is Graham? What’s he doing these days?’ Janet’s tone was sweet.

‘Apart from drinking beer and watching football, you mean?’ Melissa sounded less sweet. ‘Still making an absolute fortune playing with other people’s money. I tell people he owns a tattoo parlour. It’s less embarrassing than saying he’s a banker.’

Janet laughed. ‘So, you see, we have to aim the book at women. So what do women want?’

‘What do you want?’

‘You mean, what sort of book would I like to read? To be totally honest, I don’t really think I would go for an erotic book. At least not just sex, sex and more sex.’

‘While on that subject, Jan, dare I ask you a personal question?’

‘Well, we’re on a pretty personal subject as it is. Fire away.’

‘When’s the last time you had sex, anyway?’

That stopped her in her tracks. What with the business and her writing, she hadn’t had much time for socialising, let alone dating. And, if she were totally honest, she hadn’t really been bothered.

‘I’m going to need a fairly thick skin if I get involved in this project, aren’t I? Just imagine how it might be if the book is a success. Would journalists ask me that sort of question?’

‘Well, if they did there would be no obligation to answer. Come to think of it, there’s no need for you to tell me either. I was just curious to know if you had been doing any research recently.’

‘Well, the answer is not for a longish time. Not since I split up with Stephen. And that is nearly five years ago now. Come to think of it, we hadn’t had sex for ages before that.’

Melissa was staring at her. ‘What about our wedding? I set you up with one of Graham’s friends. I thought you said you and he hit it off. That’s only three years ago. We’ve just celebrated three years of married bliss.’ Her tone was dry.

‘That’s right, the Aussie. I called him Bruce all evening, and he seemed to answer to it. But seeing as he was going back to Oz the next day, there wasn’t much chance of the relationship developing.’