Amanda Roberts - Shimmer

From over Sally’s shoulder I saw Matt sliding his wallet into his back pocket and picking up the three glasses. He navigated his way through the hubbub towards us. Then, as he approached, I saw another face turn to mine: Lars. He had had his back to me, and I had not realised it was him. The person he’d been talking to, who I now realised was a fan, was walking away, flushed. Left alone, Lars had turned to face me and smiled again. He stepped forward towards me. As he did, he stood in Matt’s path, knocking the drinks he had precariously balanced between his two hands. The contents splashed over the edges of the glasses and onto Matt’s sleeve.

‘Oh my goodness, I am so sorry,’ he said to Matt. He seemed very charming. His English was perfect, slightly formal in tone.

‘No worries, pal,’ replied Matt. ‘No harm done.’

‘I was just coming over to say hallo to my old friend, Cinderella,’ continued Lars. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks, and dug my nails into the palms of my hands. I couldn’t speak, and just lifted a hand to my chest.

‘Yes, you,’ he said to me. ‘I rescued you from that puddle the other day. Everything okay?’

Sally had been watching the entire interaction, enthralled, her head flicking back and forth between Lars and me like a spectator at a tennis match. I opened my mouth to reply but she interrupted, sticking her hand out.

‘Lars, it’s Sally. From make-up. I took care of Kelly earlier, but I think it’s my colleague Jeanne who looks after you. Lovely to meet you, I am a good friend of Amanda’s, a bosom buddy really. And this is Matt.’

‘Well, hallo everyone. It is lovely to meet you. It is good to see that Cinderella is in such good hands.’

‘Her name is Amanda,’ said Matt, as he handed me my drink.

‘Thank you,’ I mouthed at him, still too startled to talk properly myself. I smiled at him. I smiled at Sally. And then I smiled at Lars.

‘Well, this is just … lovely!’ I yelped. My voice sounded weird and high pitched, betraying the intense awkwardness of the situation. I couldn’t work out what was making me feel so uncomfortable. Perhaps the fact that Lars had winked at me earlier, or the way that he was being so solicitous, as if we were old friends. Or perhaps it was Matt, who was looking ever so slightly disgruntled.

‘Yes, it was lovely to see you, Amanda. Do take care, and I look forward to working with you.’ After he said this he looped his arm around my waist and leant in. He kissed me once on each cheek, pulling me in so close that I could feel the heat emanating from his soft, worn T-shirt. I swear that chest was wider than the bed I slept in at university. He gave the others a small wave, muttering ‘a pleasure’ and wandered off into the crowd.

I let out a huge sigh. Sally was standing facing me, her hands on her hips and her head tilted.

‘What. The. HELL. Wasthatallabout?’

‘Nothing, it was nothing, we haven’t even really met.’

‘And yet he calls you Cinderella?’ Matt was as incredulous as Sally, although his tone was little sharper.

‘I saw him for the first time the other day. I fell in a puddle on Wood Lane, and he helped me up. And cleaned my shoe and stuff.’

Sally grabbed my arm, gripping it like a baby with a rattle.

‘And now he calls you Cinderella! That is the hottest thing I have ever heard! Hotter than the sun!’

‘Yeah, fairytales. Hot stuff.’ Matt took a huge swig from his pint. His sourness was suddenly very unappealing.

‘I knooooow. I can’t believe he recognised me!’ I leant in to Sally, whispering so that no one else could hear us.

‘I’m not kidding, Amanda, it’s been really nice knowing you this week, and I’m sure you are a really lovely person. But you owe it to all of womankind to do your best here. He is severely hot, you saw the reception he got out there. I want to know more. And you’re the woman for the job. M’kay thanks!’

‘Yeah, like that’s totally going to happen. Yup, definitely.’ I shook my head at Sally. Was the woman insane?

‘Some men are just born charming, and he’s one of them,’ said Matt. ‘It doesn’t mean he’s a good person. Or that it’s a good idea for you to leap into bed with him. Where’s your self respect, woman?’

‘Matt, did you not hear what I just said? It is perfectly obvious that nothing is going to happen. Can we all just stop talking about this now?’

‘You can stop talking about it. But it doesn’t mean I have to stop thinking about it.’ Sally gave me a sailor’s wink and picked up her coat. ‘Well guys, thank you for the drink, but I think it’s about time I hit the road myself. Hackney is not going to come to me before bedtime.’

We gathered our stuff and headed to the tube. Sally leapt straight on the Central Line, whereas Matt and I had to wait for different branches of the Circle Line, heading in different directions. For two minutes after an awkward hug goodbye, we sat on opposite platforms, both pretending to fiddle with our phones, until my train finally came. I looked over my shoulder to wave at him as the train pulled away but he was engrossed in his messages, and didn’t look up.

Matt’s odd tone in the bar made me stop and think for a moment, but it wasn’t enough to upset me properly. The evening had been too momentous for that. From the lights to the costumes and the live audience to Lars himself, I felt as if I were finally living the kind of life I had dreamt of last summer when I had been waitressing at Sergio’s. Yes, I was exhausted, but I finally felt as if I were a part of something. And that something was special. I might never make it as a professional dancer, as my eight-year-old self had always wanted, but I could still be a part of this world, which was magical enough for me.

As I turned my key in the door, I resolved to tell Natalie what an evening it had been, and make sure that she knew how much I appreciated all she had done for me. But when I entered the flat, the lights were all off. They were obviously in bed. I took my Converses off at the door, mindful not to mess up the carpet again and headed to the spare bedroom. I hung my coat up on the back of the door and turned to the bed. Aaaaaah, bed, I thought to myself.

But there was a small note there, and next to it were my hair straighteners.

Amanda, you left these on. They have marked the carpet. I think we need to chat about this in the morning.

My heart immediately sank. I clearly remembered turning the hair straighteners on before I got into the shower that morning, so pleased that they’d be ready to use as soon as I needed them. But I had, of course, become distracted by my phone and then the decision about what to wear and had ended up running behind schedule. Which meant I never used them at all. They must have been on for hours, and even the safety catch would not have worked until after the carpet had been marked.

The Strictly bubble had burst. No matter what I did, I was always going to be Natalie’s irresponsible little sister. I wiped my face, and headed to the shower, where I stood under the hot water for ages, slumped at the thought of such a silly mistake ruining an otherwise dreamy day. As I pulled the covers up under my chin and curled into a tiny ball, I realised there was only one thing for it: I would have to find my own flat, and fast. For the first time in my life, I really needed to not be Natalie’s little sister. I needed to be me.

Chapter 4

It was one of those mornings: you’re only half awake and you roll over, cocooned and cosy, burrowing deeper into the duvet without a care in the world. And then you remember. Something had upset you the night before, only you’re not quite awake enough yet to remember what. You hug the duvet a little tighter, scrunch your eyes shut, and then … yup, it hits you.