Mary Sullivan - These Ties That Bind

“Saving someone isn’t wrong, but why couldn’t you have waited until the firefighters got there? They wear protective gear.” She refused to look at him, didn’t want him to see her fear, didn’t want him to think she still cared for him. “They don’t reach into burning cars half dressed. After all these years you’re still reckless.”

“Sara, you’re being unreasonable. On the way to the hospital, did we pass any fire trucks?”

“No, but—”

“There is no but. That girl needed to be rescued.”

“And you just have to be the hero, don’t you?” she said.

“It wasn’t about me!” he shouted. “You’re being unfair.”

He was right. She needed to bring her irrational anger under control. She usually didn’t have this much trouble, but then she’d spent years away from Ordinary so she wouldn’t have to deal with Rem.

“Honest to God, Sara, I really don’t need to be a hero.” He touched her chin and forced her to look at him.

“We both know there’s nothing heroic about me,” he said. “But sometimes there isn’t time to wait for someone else to show up.”

But he was a hero. He’d just proven it and it went so far toward redeeming him, toward paying for all of the faults he’d shown when he was a teenager, that she had trouble keeping up. She’d thought badly of him for so many years. But he’d apparently been able to give up drinking and women and any number of destructive habits. Apparently, he was a responsible man now. And he’d just saved a child’s life in a way that was pretty hard to beat. Sara didn’t want to be impressed, but she was.

When he’d climbed into that burning vehicle, she’d thought she would lose him. She needed to be honest with him. “I know you couldn’t wait, but I was scared. It was hard to watch. I remembered Timm.” Her voice fell quiet, to barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t have time to think. I just did.”

“But that’s exactly it, Rem. You never think. You haven’t changed.” Memories of the day that altered their lives burned her eyes and sizzled between them.

“Sara, I’m not the kid I used to be. You know that.”

Yes, but why was it so hard for her to accept? Sara tossed bloody gauze into a wastebasket. “Half an hour ago, you sure looked like the same crazy kid.”

He captured her hands and she could feel his warmth through her gloves. “Sara, stop and think. Today brought back memories of Timm being burned, yes, but you know I had to go in to get that girl.”

She pulled her fingers out of his grasp and dropped a package of gauze. When she bent over to pick it up, her hands shook. “Yes.”

“There’s a difference between recklessness and courage. I wasn’t being reckless this morning. I was doing what had to be done.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I get your point.”

She reached for a bottle of ointment and the panic she’d felt when Rem had climbed into that car, and the bleakness at the thought of losing him forever, surfaced. “The car could have exploded while you were in it. Then both of you would be dead.”

She picked up one of his hands to apply ointment, but he wrapped his fingers around hers and held them captive in his callused palm.

“Nice to see you care.” For once, he didn’t sound sarcastic. “You tie me in knots so often, can be so critical, I’m never sure if we’re still friends.”

She’d been careful to look only at his injuries, but now she met his gaze and couldn’t hide what she felt, as impossible and self-defeating as it was.

REM COULDN’T BELIEVE the longing he saw on Sara’s face. He understood the emotion, had felt it too often for her, but they could have been acting on it for the past year. They could have been married and loving each other every day and night.

Her longing angered him. “Uh-uh, Sara. You don’t get to look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“As though you want me. Nothing’s going to happen between us. That ship has sailed, sweetheart, and it ain’t ever coming back.”

Her fingers flinched within his grasp.

“Why are you back in Ordinary?” he asked. “Why didn’t you stay in Bozeman? You had a good job there.”

“Mama’s here. Timm and Angel are here and soon their new baby. I wanted to be with my family.”

Hmm. Maybe. “What aren’t you telling me?”

She pressed her lips together as though she wouldn’t answer but finally did. “Finn was hanging out with kids I didn’t like and getting wild. They got into trouble with the police. It scared me. I thought it would be good for him to be with family.”

It sounded plausible enough, but still not like the full story. He’d leave it for now. He had more important fish to fry. “I’m Finn’s family.”

She jerked to attention, the longing gone like last Sunday’s dinner, and tugged her hands out of his grasp. She opened his fists to tend to his palms in her usual no-nonsense way, the vulnerable woman vanishing behind her professional facade.

Damn your self-control to hell, Sara.

Time to hit her with the decision he’d made.

He’d spent the past seven years turning his life around, righting so many of the wrongs he’d committed before his father’s death had given him a rude wake-up call. Rem had made the decision to straighten out, but he wasn’t finished making amends yet. His father had been a great role model. It was time for Rem to be the same for his son. He’d hurt people. He wanted that to stop. Here. Now. Today. Starting with the most important people in his life.

“I want to get to know him.”

“Who?” Sara asked, turning away so he couldn’t see her expression.

“Santa Claus,” he snapped. “Who do you think? Finn.”

She spun back to him. “No. We had an agreement.”

“That agreement is almost twelve years old. I’ve paid my dues since then.”

“I don’t care. We agreed. You promised you’d never go back on your decision.”

“It was the wrong decision. I’m old enough and strong enough to see that now.”

“I don’t care.”

“Does he ever ask about his father?”

Sara flinched. Bingo.

He changed his tactic, knew what would work in convincing her.

“Ma had another stroke.” A week ago. It was her third stroke in a year and a half and the worst yet. How much longer would he have her around? He needed to set so many things right.

“I know,” Sara answered. “I’ve been visiting her.”

Of course she had, because underneath all of her stubborn grittiness Sara was a caring person.

“So why shouldn’t she get to know her grandson before she dies? What if the next stroke kills her?” His voice rose. “Finn’s my son.”

“Be quiet,” Sara warned. “We’re not private here.”

“So what? It wouldn’t kill either of us if people found out.”

She leaned close and pointed a finger in his face. “You were the one who decided not to be in his life, that you weren’t father material. The fact that you wanted out so quickly proved you were right. You’d make a terrible father.”

“I was young and stupid. I was scared. I thought Finn would be better off without me.” He stood, loomed over her and lowered his voice, infusing it with a dark intensity because she had to understand how serious he was. “That’s no longer true. I think I’d be a good father now. That boy needs one. And I need my son.”

She refused to make eye contact even though he stood mere inches from her. Instead, she stared at his collarbone.

“You agreed to the deal pretty damn quickly,” he accused. “You didn’t want me to acknowledge Finn, either.”

Her chest rose and fell too rapidly. He knew Sara through and through and, although she looked calm, he could tell she was scared. He didn’t blame her. This was new territory for him, too.