Portia MacIntosh - How Not To Be Starstruck

There are hundreds of girls queuing up outside the venue right now and, despite being a podgy arsehole in need of a good wash and a shave, he could probably have his pick of any of them. Why waste his time getting angry at me?

My eyes start to feel heavy and a huge tear falls from my right eye, rolling down my face and stripping my skin of every ounce of make-up that dares to stand in its path. I wipe it quickly and grab my foundation from my bag. I can’t let anyone see me crying.

I should be buzzing after kissing Luke. Instead, I am sitting in a backstage room, all on my own, sobbing because some C-list bassist just called me a slapper.

As I smarten myself up and retouch my make-up, I take yet another long, hard look in the mirror. Tonight is going to be a long night.

Chapter Twelve

The Skanky Groupies

After an awesome performance (including an encore), I am clapping and screaming just as much as any other fan in the room – maybe more so.

‘Are you their mascot?’ a handsome older man asks me, nodding in the direction of the hideous orange dress I forgot I was wearing.

‘Not exactly,’ I tell him with a giggle. ‘It’s a funny story really.’

‘I hope you’re going to tell me it.’

‘To summarise...’ I take a deep breath. ‘I am touring with the band, to write a magazine feature, but I forgot my bag and I spilt a drink on my pretty dress, so Luke, the drummer, was kind enough to give me this to wear.’

‘Wow, he must hate you!’ the stranger says, insulting my dress.

‘I know, right? What a bastard!’

He laughs.

‘You said you’re writing a feature on the band? I’m here to write a review for the local paper,’ he informs me.

‘Oops! Did I say he was a bastard? Because what I mean to say is what a wonderful band this is, and how you should definitely give them a good review!’

‘Don’t worry, I’m impressed. My name is Kenny by the way.’

‘Nice to meet you, Kenny.’ I shake his hand, ‘I’m Nicole.’

‘It’s nice to meet you too. Can I buy you a drink? We can swap notes.’

The band have only just finished and I know I’m going to be on my own while they do promo and meet fans, so I agree and we take a seat at the bar. Kenny seems like a nice guy and he’s a music reviewer for the local press so I’m sure I can learn a thing or two from him.

‘I think your friend is worried about you,’ Kenny tells me, gesturing towards Luke with a swift movement of his eyes.

I glance over and he’s right, Luke is giving us a filthy look.

‘He needn’t be worried, I’m more interested in him than I am in you, darling,’ he says with a wink.

Poor Luke, if only he knew.

‘I’ll put in a good word for you,’ I tell Kenny, winking right back at him.

‘Don’t worry about it, I think he’s got his eye on someone else in this room and I think we both know who that is.’

I smile, but then something catches my eye.

‘Excuse me for a moment,’ I say, making my way over to the band.

The guys are surrounded by fans, but there’s this one girl who caught my eye because she is wearing the same orange T-shirt as me.

I tap her on the shoulder. ‘Don’t you just hate it when someone wears the same outfit as you?’

‘It looks better on you,’ she replies with an unconvincing smile.

‘Are you trying to meet the band?’ I ask.

‘Trying.’ She holds up a poster. ‘I wanted them to sign this but it’s like I’m invisible.’

‘I’m a friend of theirs, I’ll get them to sign it.’

Taking the poster and marker pen, I start with Luke.

‘Can you sign this for that lovely girl over there?’ I ask him.

‘Sure. Who’s that guy you’re with?’

‘A journalist, so be nice,’ I warn him.

Ben signs the poster next, and thankfully he gets Mark to sign it too. If I’d asked, he probably would have told me to piss off. Now all I need is Eddie, and skanky groupies are his favourite thing so it’s going to be tough getting his attention. I push my way through a girl gang and hook my arm around Eddie’s. You’ve got to get territorial and show them who is boss, it’s the only way a girl can survive in this environment.

‘Eddie, baby, could you sign this for my friend please?’

‘Anything for you, Miss Wilde,’ he says, taking the pen and signing over his face on the poster. ‘Give me a kiss,’ he says before puckering up, and I’m not sure who he’s showing off for but I’m happy to help.

‘No way, I know where that mouth has been,’ I tease as I reach for the poster, but he holds it out of my reach and makes kissy noises at me.

I peck him on the lips and give the girls a friendly smile before taking the poster and making my way back towards my new friend.

‘Ta-da,’ I say, handing her the poster along with a plectrum, a wristband and some stickers. ‘And here’s a few bits from the merch stand too.’

Bless her, she looks so happy. It really bugs me that Eddie only gives attention to the girls he fancies. It’s girls like this who pay his wages, not the ones who are only here to try and sleep with him.

I head back over to the bar where Kenny is sitting.

‘I saw what you did. You’re a real sweetheart, aren’t you, Nicole?’

‘Oh, I do try,’ I say with a laugh, just as Luke appears.

I introduce them and Luke shakes Kenny’s hand. I’m surprised he isn’t doing more to soften up the guy who will be reviewing him for the entire city of Birmingham to read.

Luke tells me that they’ve got to head back to the hotel for an interview, which I’m guessing is my cue to say goodbye to my new best friend and go with them.

‘Kenny, do you want to come and have a drink in the hotel bar?’ I ask. ‘I want to hear more of your stories, and if these guys are doing an interview I’ll only have to sit and watch.’

‘I’d love to,’ Kenny replies, clearly annoying Luke by doing so.

‘Right, well we’re going now so if you’re coming get a move on,’ Luke tells us, so we knock back the remainder of our drinks and follow his lead.

Chapter Thirteen

The Crack

The hotel we are staying in is absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t ever afford to stay in a place like this on my own, but that’s the beauty of being a hanger-on; someone else always foots the bill. I know that I’m lucky to stay in such beautiful places, which is probably why I don’t take any of it for granted, unlike most of the bands I know.

Tonight we’re staying at the Hotel Regale. I’ve only just stepped through the door and I’m already in love with the place. Inside the lobby they have replaced one of the walls with a huge fish tank, which is absolutely mesmerising – even to an entirely sober person, I’d imagine. On the other side of the tank is the bar, which is where Kenny and I are heading. There’s no point in me going up to the room and hanging around in the background while they do their interview, I may as well be down here sucking Dutch courage through a sparkly straw.

As soon as they’re done, Luke is going to call Reception and have someone let me know I can go up. I’m suddenly really nervous again, but trying to keep it out of my mind while I’m chatting to Kenny. We’re swapping stories about interviews and gigs. I know I have some great tales to tell (not that I ever would outside of the loop), but I am so jealous of some of his stories. Yes, we’ve only just met, but we’re already sharing a little too much information – this must be how rumours start, with journalists getting tipsy and exchanging stories.

It isn’t long before a nice lady lets me know that ‘Mr Fox’ is waiting for me. It sounds so weird to hear Luke being referred to as Mr Fox, like he’s a proper adult.