ML Roberts - The Wife – Part Four - Till Death Do Us Part

It was a mistake, coming here. I shouldn’t have done it. I stupidly thought Ernie might have been able to help me, when all this has done is make him pity me.

‘He’s changed, Ernie. He isn’t the man I used to know.’

I’m not the woman I once was either, and all I wanted to do was bring us back to those people. Be those people, again. I thought we could do that. Now I’m not so sure.

Ernie leans forward, and when he looks at me this time the pity is so clear in his eyes it makes me flinch.

‘I thought you’d both come through the other side, Ellie. Every time I saw you, either of you, together or alone, you always seemed like you’d fought what happened and won.’

‘Sometimes everything you see isn’t the truth.’

I pick up my bag and reach into it for my car keys. This was a mistake.

‘I should go now. I have a meeting in Newcastle later, I don’t want to be late.’

A lie. I have no meetings. Carmen’s looking after everything today.

‘Ellie, are you sure you’re okay?’

I try to summon up a smile, but I’m not convinced the one I give him reaches my eyes.

‘I’m fine. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, and I shouldn’t have said what I did, I’m just being stupid. Me and Michael are going through a bit of a rough patch, that’s all. It happens. Especially when you’ve been through everything we have. We’ll be fine. We’ll work it out.’

‘I’m sure that whatever it was you thought you saw, between Michael and this student – it’s just his way, Ellie.’

Just his way… Something I’m expected to accept, right?

‘Forget I said anything, Ernie, I really am sorry. You’re right. I’m probably just reading something into a situation that doesn’t exist.’

Am I? Really?

He stands up, comes over to me, takes both my hands in his and smiles. He seems almost relieved. ‘You have nothing to apologize for, my darling. I had no idea things were still affecting you so badly.’

Nobody has any idea how badly everything is still affecting me. Nobody.

‘I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. We just need a bit more time, that’s all.’

I lean in to kiss his cheek, but I do need to go now.

‘You take care, Ellie.’

I throw him what I hope is a more convincing smile and start to walk away, but then I stop. I turn back around.

‘You won’t tell Michael we met today, will you? Only, I don’t want to worry him. He still worries, you know?’

Ernie nods, just the slightest dip of his head, and I can only hope that he’ll respect my wishes. I just have to trust him.

As I walk out of the pub into the afternoon sunshine, I feel everything from anger and frustration at my own naivety to an overwhelming sadness at what I’ve become. What my life has become. I feel alone. Isolated, confused and scared, and I can’t have that. Those feelings can’t take over, I haven’t stopped fighting yet. I’m tired, and there’s a tiny part of me that wants to give up but I refuse to do that.

Michael loved me once.

He’ll love me again.

He’ll love me. Again…

‘Hey, you,’ Liam murmurs into my neck as he slides his arms around me from behind, his hands edging up under my T-shirt. His T-shirt. It’s all I’m wearing. We’ve just had sex in the shower, my skin’s still damp, my body tingling with the memory of him pounding into me against the tiled wall as the water cascaded down over us. I shiver, and he laughs, a sound which vibrates into my shoulder and I shiver again.

I turn around and look at him, all tall and handsome in nothing but his jeans, his dark-blonde hair pushed back off his face, those steel-grey eyes of his shining. He’s been a part of my life for so long, will I ever be able to let him go? That thought scares me, because this was never meant to be anything more than sex. Fun. An escape. I’m fighting for my husband, for that life I want back – I don’t want this. Not forever.

I reach out, grab hold of the waistband of his jeans and I pull him towards me. I kiss him, and he smiles, and for one wonderful, fleeting moment everything feels okay. The darkness lifts and I see light, but it doesn’t last. The darkness always returns.

He tucks a finger under my chin, and tilts up my face, his eyes locking on mine. ‘I hate seeing you so sad, Ellie. What I said before, about us leaving here, leaving all this shit behind, I still mean that. We can still do that.’

‘I can’t, Liam…’

I pull away from him, walk out of the kitchen, into the living room. I don’t want to talk about leaving. I’m not leaving.

‘You and Michael – it’s over, Ellie.’

I swing around to face him, shaking my head, I refuse to believe him.

‘And I’m not doing this to hurt you…’

‘Then stop saying it.’

He comes over to me, and rests his palm against my cheek, forcing me to look at him. ‘He’s sleeping with a student. A student who’s pregnant…’

‘We don’t know it’s his.’

‘Jesus, Ellie, wake up! If it isn’t his then why the hell is he with her? All those meetings, those pictures Karl showed you… Baby, you need to stop fighting this. You’ve put your life on hold for far too long while he’s been out there living his. Without you.’

I shake my head again, he’s wrong. He’s wrong.

‘He doesn’t love you anymore, how can he? But I do.’ He leans in to me, his thumb stroking my cheek, his mouth almost touching mine as he speaks. ‘ I love you.’

He kisses me, and I press my hand against his chest, feel his heart beating hard. Fast. I don’t want him to love me, so I should push him away and end this. I should. But I can’t. Without him I’m weak. Alone. I need him to lean on. Or do I really just need to feel loved…?

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