Jennifer Joyce - The Accidental Life Swap

‘Vanessa! Hi!’ I’m aiming for a bright and breezy tone, but the task of freeing myself from the badly-behaved bush is taking its toll and it comes out strained and raspy. ‘How are you?’

‘Better than you by the sounds of it. Is everything okay?’

I’m shocked by my boss’s concern; she’s never once asked after my well-being, not even the time I dragged my aching carcass to the office while in the full throes of a bout of the flu. ‘Everything is …’ I tug at a twig and hear it snap, leaving a small spike behind like a cave woman’s hair grip. ‘Fine. Great, in fact.’

‘Then why do you sound like you’re battling the crowds at a Primark Boxing Day Sale?’ Vanessa sniggers at her own little joke. The woman has never ventured a designer-clad toe inside a Primark store, so how would she know what it’s like?

I try to change position but wince in pain as my hair is pulled tighter. ‘I’m, erm …’ I move slowly back to my original position. ‘Jogging! I’m jogging. The countryside is so beautiful, I thought I’d make the most of it.’

‘Right.’ Vanessa doesn’t seem convinced but I’m too busy trying to dislodge a twig that’s doing its best to penetrate my scalp. ‘Whatever. The reason I called is to apologise for my behaviour yesterday.’

The sharp twig scrapes the palm of my hand as I finally disentangle it from my hair, but I barely feel it as I’m so shocked by Vanessa’s words. ‘You want to apologise? To me?’

Vanessa never apologises to her staff, and even when she brings herself to apologise to clients, she’s never sincere, despite the sugary tones she adopts for the purpose.

‘Yes, which I know is totally out of character.’ Vanessa gives a self-deprecating laugh while I’m thinking what an understatement that is. ‘But Ty pointed out last night that I may have been a bit … bulldozer-like in my approach.’

Wow. Tyler Johansson is one brave young man. And he is young compared to his girlfriend. While Vanessa is in her ‘early thirties’ (I’m her PA and privy to her private info. She is only just clinging onto her thirties and it’ll be a downright lie when she reaches her next birthday), Tyler is a twenty-two-year-old part-time model she met at a charity event three months ago. I’ve only met him a couple of times, when he’s dropped by the office to see Vanessa, but he seems decent enough and he’s obviously got balls of steel to go up against Vanessa Whitely.

‘I admit I may have been a bit forceful and that threatening to sack you if you didn’t take on the project manager role was wrong of me. It’s just that this project is very dear to me. You’ve seen the house – isn’t it magnificent? So just imagine how glorious it will be once the work is finished. I can’t wait to show it off!’

‘It is a beautiful house.’

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