Karen Ross - Five Wakes and a Wedding

‘So we should hear back from the planning department in the next four to eight weeks.’ The man’s voice.

‘Why does it take them so long?’ The woman – presumably Zoe Banks – is verging on shrill. I can almost hear her stamping her foot. ‘Can’t we fast-track it? Pay them extra? Anyway, it’s going to be a formality, so might as well get cracking straight away. Right?’ Before the man can reply, Zoe continues, ‘You realise I’m still unhappy with the north-east elevation. If we’re building a neo-classical palace we might as well get it right and have the columns properly hand-carved. Agreed?’ A pause. ‘I’m paying two hundred thousand for this, after all. Plus your fees.’

‘Of course. And you’re happy with the design of the frieze?’

‘Let’s have another look at the plans.’ A rustle of papers. ‘Yes, I like that. Lovely idea to call the extension a small temple in the trees. And our garden’s so big, no-one will ever spot it. You know, life’s too short to wait for the bloody planners, so let’s get the builders in next week and pay the fine for going ahead without permission if we get caught.’

Temple in the trees? I’d assumed the people on the other side of the door were discussing plans for a holiday home. Greece, perhaps. Or Croatia. Surely even someone like Zoe Banks wouldn’t spend two hundred grand on a tree house. Especially someone who, according to my research, doesn’t have children. I’m worried Carson’s going to come back and catch me eavesdropping but I’ve never heard a conversation like this before and I can’t tear myself away.

That’s weird. In one breath, the man is saying something about a multi-level dwelling with geometrically perfect proportions. But now he’s describing a wirelessly controlled fox-proof security system. Surely he means foolproof. And what’s this about an automatic sliding roof above the nesting box suite? Is that what rich people call a bedroom?

I’m wondering if I’m going deaf, and if I dare to push the door open just a tiny crack further, when Zoe says, ‘We’ve had our skirmishes with this project, Marcus, but I’ve always known you were the man to create the Taj Mahal of hen houses.’

‘That’s very kind, but by the time we’re done, I hope it will look more like Le Petit Trianon.’

Two smug laughs, followed by packing-up sounds. I retreat to the sofa, bewildered. What is this I’ve stumbled into? It feels like the set of The Good Life mashed with Grand Designs. Don’t get me wrong, I love chickens, especially when roasted to a golden crispness, accompanied by Mum’s silky gravy and fluffy potatoes, and I have no doubt the hens that are destined to roost legally or illegally in Zoe’s extension will truly appreciate the clean lines and the modern aesthetics. Come on, though. Admittedly two hundred thousand won’t buy you a garage in London. But a hen house? A hen house?

When I think how hard my dad worked, and how proud he was to be able to lend me the fifty thousand pounds I needed – more than half his life savings – to open Happy Endings … I wonder what it must be like to be able to buy whatever you want … anything you want … everything you want … without stopping to think how much it costs.

Zoe Banks enters the room with a face that suggests all the cash in the world can’t buy you happiness, and I feel a little bit better about my current credit card balance.

‘Marcus, I’ll expect your confirmation that the builders will be on site by Monday latest,’ she says before disappearing into the hallway. With that, the architect is dismissed. He fails to acknowledge me, and sidesteps Carson, who has arrived carrying a tray with my promised coffee and a plate of fancy biscuits. Silver icing! I follow him past the blue-splodged painting and into Zoe’s office, which turns out to be a surprisingly austere space, dominated by a metal and glass desk as big as a ping-pong table. Behind it, there’s a chair that reminds me of the Iron Throne, softened only by the addition of a scarlet cushion – Zoe’s presumably – and on the other side, a considerably less impressive ladder-back chair. Carson gestures towards it, then gathers a bunch of envelopes from the desk and leaves the room.

I’m still taking in my surroundings – half a dozen floor-to-ceiling free-standing metal shelves in a geometric pattern that would make them almost sculpture were it not for the dozens of aluminium box files they hold – when Zoe returns. Instinctively, I stand up and take a few steps towards her.

Zoe Banks towers over me. I’m five six and she’s at least three inches taller, even before you take into account her skyscraper heels. We exchange a firm handshake – I notice Zoe gives my home-manicured nails a beady once-over – then retreat to our respective sides of the giant desk.

‘So you’re Nina.’ She looks square at me, pronouncing my name as though she’s just captured something nasty on the tip of her tongue. ‘One moment.’

Zoe busies herself with some papers, which gives me a chance to get the measure of her. She’s actually rather beautiful. Model-slender and impeccably dressed in a grey linen dress that accentuates long legs, bronzed in a shade that didn’t come out of a spray can. She’s got one of those Julia Robert mouths – you know, the length of a pillar-box slit – and impeccable white teeth. But she’s overdone the Botox or the collagen or whatever it is she’s had someone squirt into her glistening lips. Unfortunately, they look like a pair of scarlet bananas. No, I’m just being mean. Zoe Banks is as high-end and glossy as everything else in this perfect house. Everything except me.

Before I can berate myself any further, the scarlet bananas begin to speak. ‘Thank you for popping by,’ they say. ‘So, tell me about your little shop.’

And I’m off! Explaining that although the undertaker I used to work for mostly organised traditional funerals – black clothes, white lilies, newspaper notices, Bible readings, etc. – the funeral industry is starting to change.

‘Relatives want something more personal,’ I say. ‘Services as individual as the person who has died.’ I recall a photo emailed to me last week by Anna Kovaks. Grigor’s family cycling through woods on the outskirts of Budapest, following one of his favourite off-road treks on their way to a river where they scattered the ashes Anna had repatriated. Zoe continues to stare at her papers, which is a bit rude, but undaunted, I persevere.

‘It definitely helps families to grieve when they’re able to do something that properly reflects the person they loved. Say, putting a favourite book inside the coffin. Or a cigar. Or notes from the grandchildren. I mean, you only have to think about the way weddings have changed in the past few years, with services on the beach, or at the top of the London Eye …’

Zoe has picked up a gold fountain pen and is writing something down, so I trail into silence. Once she’s finished, I’ll ask her to guess some of the most popular music tracks that are played at crematorium services. Start a dialogue instead of lecturing the poor woman.

I watch Zoe’s elbows move in, out and back in as she signs her name, cutting a Z into the paper. Then she leans forward on her throne thing and moves her perfectly made-up face closer to mine.

‘It all sounds very undignified,’ she says. ‘If you have to have a funeral, much better to get it over and done with as quickly as possible, then get back to normal life. But that’s hardly the point. The thing is.’ Zoe purses her banana lips and pauses for emphasis. ‘The thing is, Nina, we don’t do death in Primrose Hill. Michelin-starred restaurants, yes. Designer handbags, absolutely. Health and beauty … well of course, that’s my job. We have a huge local demand for ethical foie gras, even though those smelly protestors were out on the streets demonstrating against the butcher and the fur shop last weekend. Which reminds me, I need to speak to the police commissioner to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Look,’ Zoe tries – and fails – to smile, ‘we even sell chocolate and perfume. Everyday essentials the local community can’t manage without. We give people what they want. And there’s just no demand for death, I assure you. I can’t imagine what possessed my father to encourage you. A clear error of judgement if you ask me.’