Karen Ross - Five Wakes and a Wedding

By the time I am decently dressed he’s on another trek, this time laden with a bunch of canvases. I observe that Edo’s favourite colour is purple. And that he has at some stage persuaded at least four different women to pose for him while naked. One of them – a curvy redhead with spectacular breasts – has her cellulite-free thighs teasingly splayed around the ‘NO ENTRY’ sign.

‘Morning,’ I say. ‘Are you storing your stuff in the attic?’

Edo looks puzzled. ‘Didn’t Gloria tell you I was moving in? That’s why I didn’t get to the shop in time to help you yesterday. Sorry about that.’

Um, no. Gloria’s said nothing. ‘Want some coffee?’

‘Awesome!’

I get my head around Edo’s news as I make my way to the kitchen. He did say the place he found after he moved out of Happy Endings was a bit too dirty and a touch too noisy for his liking. Typical Gloria to say he could stay – she’s both generous and impulsive, and it’s her house, of course – but I’m surprised she didn’t at least discuss it with me first.

An even bigger surprise awaits me in the kitchen.

A dog.

Eating breakfast.

Actually, he appears to be on his third breakfast.

The creature is almost the size of a Shetland pony. It looks as if it’s been dreamed up by Disney, but is acting out a script from Tarantino – working title The Andrex Puppy on Drugs.

The pristine kitchen I remember from last night is a wreck. Two chairs have been overturned. The floor is covered in a collage of broken breakfast bowls, with several million breadcrumbs and a gooey patch of what looks like blood but is hopefully nothing more sinister than strawberry jam added for texture. A steady trickle of milk is dripping onto the floor from an overturned carton on the table. And, unless I’m very much mistaken, the roll of paper towel we keep on the kitchen table in lieu of napkins has three Shetland-pony-sized chunks bitten out of it.

The dog gives me a cursory glance then shamelessly returns to the plate of ham, cheese and salami that’s occupying his attention. In fairness, his table manners seem to be improving with every chomp. He’s figured out he’s the perfect height so that his head – and jaws – can get to the food without the need even to flex his paws, let alone knock food to the floor. Perhaps he’s cleverer than he looks.

A split second later, just as the dog’s inhaling the final scrap of meat, Edo arrives in the kitchen. ‘Oh no,’ he says. ‘Maybe this was a mistake.’

I give him a look.

‘There was this bloke in the pub last night.’ Edo has got himself a part-time job pulling pints. ‘Said he and his partner had come to the conclusion their place was too small for Chopper. That’s his name, Chopper. They took him to Battersea, but the people there admitted that if they couldn’t rehome him, he’d be put down. The guy was literally sobbing into his beer, so I called Gloria and she said it would be okay. Then today, I wanted to get off to a good start and be a good housemate, so I put breakfast together before I moved my stuff in. Which turned out to be a mistake. Do you know anything about dogs?’

‘Only that they appear to enjoy granola and salami. But I guess I’ll learn.’ The truth is, I’ve always wanted a dog.

‘He’ll be my responsibility. I promise this will never happen again. I’ll clear up all the mess. And he’ll sleep in my room. I’m going to make him a bed out of wooden crates. And then I thought I might paint him.’

‘Purple?’ I enquire.

Edo’s enthusiasm is somehow infectious. Even though Chopper has wrecked our kitchen, he is trying earnestly to make amends by hoovering the floor with his tongue, which is the size of a rump steak.

‘How old is he, anyway?’

‘The guy said he’s a year old. And fully grown.’ Even as he says it, Edo sounds doubtful. He looks at me, then back to the dog. ‘I’m really grateful to you and Gloria for agreeing I can move in, you know. I’ve promised to help out around the house, with odd jobs and that. And I’m going to be paying rent, of course.’

Immediately, I feel guilty. Gloria insisted I should only pay half-rent until Happy Endings is on its feet – an offer I gratefully accepted. She’s probably delighted Edo needs a place to live, and can help make up the shortfall.

‘I’ll clean up the mess,’ I offer. ‘Then maybe, once we’ve had breakfast, we can take Chopper out for a walk.’

After breakfast, during which I observe Gloria sneaking morsels of still-warm croissant under the table to our new dog, the four of us – Edo, Gloria, Chopper and I – head for Highgate Ponds.

It’s beautiful late spring weather, and Gloria is excited to see the lilacs in full bloom. Edo keeps Chopper on a stout leash, offering him no further opportunities for misbehaviour.

‘So what sort of dog is he?’ Gloria asks. She’s spent the past ten minutes complaining she’s fed up with having her social life dictated by the schedule of Thrice-Wed Fred’s wife, whose latest crime is to surprise her cheating husband with a weekend jaunt to Berlin.

‘Half-Bernese half-poodle,’ Edo says.

I can see the poodle in Chopper. Woolly coat in shades of black, brown and white, with a head of hair that reminds me of those long wigs worn by the old codgers who populate the House of Lords. But Bernese? Isn’t that a type of sauce?

‘So that makes him a Bernedoodle!’ Gloria is amused by the thought.

‘Or a poodlenese,’ Edo suggests.

I take another look at Chopper. Edo let him off the lead when we got to the woods at the back of the ponds, and the dog is celebrating his freedom by enthusiastically turning a fallen branch into a pile of matchsticks. Chopper is about four times the size of any other dog out on a Saturday walk, so all I can say is that the Bernese must be a very big dog indeed.

‘That’s interesting,’ Edo says.

‘What?’ I enquire. ‘A dog chewing a stick?’

‘No. Taking one thing and transforming it into another.’

Before I can say something about dogs doing that every time they sink their teeth into something, Edo continues his thought. ‘Shapeshifting.’

‘Is that what they taught you at art school?’ Gloria’s tone is only faintly mocking.

‘As it happens, I’ve got a postgraduate tutorial with Joshua Kent next week,’ Edo retorts. ‘If I’m lucky, he’ll mentor me on my next project.’

Wow! Edo must be an even better artist than he is a sign writer. Joshua Kent is a real big shot. His art is on display in galleries and private collections all over the world. It’s not my kind of thing – call me a philistine, but I like a painting to look like a painting, with a nice frame and everything – but winning the Turner Prize three times has made Joshua Kent properly famous.

Edo is looking suitably modest. ‘I’ve got a couple of ideas,’ he says, ‘but I think they’re too ordinary. Can we talk about something else, please? I’m terrified. Nina, what do you think Gloria should do about Fred? Dump him, or what? What would you do?’

I’m about to reply to Edo’s penultimate question in the definite affirmative, but Gloria is faster. ‘I’ve told you,’ she says to Edo. ‘Nina doesn’t do relationships.’

The pair of them exchange a glance, and I realise Edo has been briefed about the reason for my lack of a love life. Gloria must have told him about Ryan – his funeral and all that – and my decision to prioritise my career over relationships.

An awkward pause, while we watch Chopper take a breather from his labours, then spit out the final shreds of wood and begin to paw furiously at the ground, digging a hole in which to bury his matchsticks.

‘If anyone needs advice,’ I finally say, ‘it’s me.’