Sarah Archer - How to Build a Boyfriend from Scratch

“Ah, Kelly, you’re here, finally. Hand me the lettuce spinner?”

Kelly struggled to perch her niece on her hip while extricating the lettuce spinner from a top shelf.

“So if we go with peach, that would mean—”

“White for the ribbons,” Diane finished Clara’s sentence. “And then—”

“Those other sashes for the bridesmaids, exactly,” said Clara.

“The ones you showed me a while ago?” Kelly asked.

“Which were those again?” Clara said, busily setting the butter on the table while Kelly offered the lettuce spinner rather aimlessly, trying to catch her mom’s attention. Diane seemed to have forgotten that she wanted it in the first place.

“Um, I don’t know, they were in a catalogue?”

“They’re all in catalogues, Kelly,” Diane asserted. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll tell you what to wear on the day.” Kelly set the lettuce spinner on the counter and pulled her niece closer to her instead, making her laugh with a funny face. She sensed that her energies were better expended there.

“Oh, hi, Dad,” she said, just noticing her father. His stillness in the whirl of motion around him had camouflaged him into the room.

“Hi, Kel,” he responded, not looking up from his white paper. Carl was always reading or scratching at something for his job as a civil engineer with the local water utility, but he never discussed his work with the family. For someone who worked so closely with technology, he spent an awful lot of time doing things the analogue way, and Kelly suspected this was because of Diane’s strict “no devices at dinnertime” policy. If he was working on a notepad, Kelly’s mom interpreted it as legitimate and let it slide.

Kelly’s father was one of those fifty-five-year-old men with a beard and glasses who looked like he was born a fifty-five-year-old man with a beard and glasses. Trying to imagine him as a young boy, a twenty-year-old, even, was ludicrous. His crescent of close-cut, early whitened hair never seemed to grow, get cut, or fall out. His favorite armchair was so molded to the angles of his body that he didn’t sit in it so much as wear it. And in the same way, he wore his marriage to Kelly’s mom. When they met, he was studying biochemistry, she theater. They were married before they graduated. A boiling, opposites-attract passion carried them through the first few years. By the time it cooled, Gary was there, and so was a mortgage, and a long future that seemed pretty much planned out. Diane’s silliness and flair for the dramatic didn’t age well, and Carl’s analytical intelligence became boring. They were married now more out of habit than love, though he never appeared to notice such things.

Diane thought often of such things, but was so willfully romantic that she saw only a long and happy marriage, a model for all the young brides-to-be at her shop. So she chattered on blissfully oblivious to her husband’s disregard, which was probably the secret to their “success.” She focused on the perfect image of her marriage in their family portraits and Carl focused on his work, neither looking at the flesh-and-blood spouse in front of their eyes.

Growing up in such a household, Kelly, an innately rational little girl, had had no choice but to review the evidence of her parents’ marriage and conclude that fairy tales were a load of fluff and bunk. With such a mismatched model of love, relationships had always seemed to her at best illogical, at worst a source of pain. And so she poured herself into her Legos, which turned into computers, which turned into intricate robotics systems. Machines made far more sense than people.

While the family ate dinner, or worked the chicken around on their plates to make it look eaten, the topic of conversation was, of course, still Clara’s wedding. Several important facts were established. Gary’s wife, Gina, an ER nurse with an insane schedule who couldn’t be here because she was working, because she was always working, hadn’t gotten a dress yet so, yes, Gary had picked out something for her that was color-scheme appropriate. Yes, Jonathan had passed Diane’s hair advice (instructions) on to his groomsmen, and it was duly received. And yes, Carl would take a dancing lesson for the father-daughter dance. This was news to Carl.

“A dancing lesson? It’s a wedding, not a cabaret.”

“Carl, this is your only daughter’s wedding—”

Kelly looked around the table to see if anyone else noticed. They didn’t.

“And you’re going to learn to dance,” Diane said in her I-mean-business voice. Carl’s face stiffened, even his glasses stiffened, but Clara cut in with a gentler tone, her eyes glimmering with sincerity.

“It’s just one lesson, Dad, and it’ll make things so much easier. This way you won’t get up there at the wedding and feel like you don’t know what to do. You’ll have learned everything beforehand; you won’t even have to think about it.”

“Oh, fine, that’s all right then,” Carl grumbled. Kelly gulped on her chicken. How did Clara do that? How did she always say the right thing?

But she was quickly distracted by the inevitable question. “So, Kelly,” her mom asked brightly, “have you met anyone recently?”

“Well, a boatswain from the Philippines just asked me to connect on LinkedIn, so …”

“You know what I mean, a man!”

“No, Mom, since you asked me last week, I have not found a husband.”

“No need to be snippy. I just want what’s best for you. After all, you are already twenty-nine; I would think you would gladly take my help in the situation. And luckily for you, I met someone!”

“Congratulations, dear. Will I be invited to the wedding?” Carl asked, not looking up from his salad.

“I mean for Kelly, obviously.”

“Mom, I don’t—”

“Oh, is this the one you were telling me about?” Clara interrupted Kelly excitedly. “I think you’ll actually like him, Kel.”

“Please don’t—” But Kelly failed again.

“Give it a try. Worst that happens is this stranger murders you on the first date, and then at least you’re not dying alone,” Gary said, slicing food for two of the girls across his own untouched plate. His expression was so straight that few people but Kelly would have been able to tell he was joking. And even she wasn’t convinced.

“I really don’t want—”

But now Diane cut across Kelly. “Will everyone please just let me finish?” Oh, how rude of me, Kelly thought. “His name is Martin and he’s Donna’s sister’s neighbor’s son. He’s a realtor and a tennis player and just adorable and best of all, he’s the same height as Gary, so everything will be symmetrical in the pictures!”

“What pictures?” Gary asked.

“At the wedding, obviously.”

Kelly couldn’t let this go on. “Mom, I don’t care how good this guy looks next to Gary, I’m not marrying him.”

“Not your wedding, silly. Though who knows! I mean for Clara’s wedding. Oh, and I almost forgot. He has a cocker spaniel.” Diane sat back, satisfied. The man had a cocker spaniel.

“It’s perfect, right, Kel?” Clara beamed.

“Wait, so you guys just went and found a plus one for me?”

“I know how you dread these things,” Diane said. “Now you don’t even have to worry about it.”

“What makes you think I don’t already have one?”

“Well, you don’t—do you?”

Kelly spluttered. “That’s not the point! I don’t want to go to my sister’s wedding with some tennis-playing jerkoff I don’t even know.”

“But you will know him. I set up dinner for the two of you. You’ve got almost two months to get to know each other.”

Kelly looked to her father. “Dad, you’ll pose next to me in the pictures, right, so everything looks good? I don’t need a plus one?”