Josephine Cox - Born Bad

Harry wondered if there was work to be found locally, and Kathleen gave him a few pointers. ‘Well, there’s the Plysu factory in Woburn Sands,’ she said. ‘They’ve extended the business and need more people. Oh, and I heard that Jacobs’ Store in Bedford needs a new tallyman. Old Ernie Wright’s done the job for over twenty years, but he’s retired now.’

She was convinced. ‘That one should suit you down to the ground. You’ll get a good wage and you’ll be out and about, meeting all kinds of folks. What’s more, you’ll be able to work out your own route and timetable.’

She laughed out loud. ‘Old Ernie met a lot of naughty women on his rounds, including his second wife. He used to stop at every house and have a cuppa … though he never accepted a slice o’ cake until he got here.’ She gave another cheery, infectious giggle. ‘That’s because he knew the best cake lived at my house!’

Harry was highly amused, and for a time they got sidetracked; but then he needed to bring the conversation back to work. ‘So, what is a tallyman?’ he asked. If it was anything to do with figures he’d be fine, as he had often worked as a bookkeeper after leaving the Army.

‘If you call at the store, sure they’ll tell you all about it. And you know what? I reckon you’re just the fella they’re looking for.’

‘Oh, you do, do you?’ He was certainly interested. ‘In that case, I might just go and have a word with them.’

Later that night, when Harry and Tom were fast asleep, Kathleen sat at the kitchen table supping her bedtime drink.

In her mind she went over the conversation with Harry. ‘It’s a curious thing,’ she muttered, clearing away her cup, ‘how the love and devotion of two young people can create such a lifetime of heartache.’

Turning out the lights, she shuffled her way up the stairs and into her room, where she softly closed the door.

A moment later, with her arms raised to close the curtains, she took a few seconds to marvel at the night skies. She had always thought the heavens were uniquely magnificent. With a myriad of twinkling diamonds against a forever carpet of midnight blue, there could be no other creation like it in the whole world.

She stayed awhile, letting the beauty sink into her senses, then she quietly addressed the heavens. ‘Well, Judy, here we are,’ she whispered. ‘Your boy is home again. Sure, he’s a tortured man, and he’s looking to find his first love. So, what are we going to do, Judy m’darlin’? How will it all end, I wonder. And where are you now? What have you done with your life? More than that, did ye find happiness … or are ye haunted, just like yer man?’

She sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, thinking and wondering; recalling the very last conversation she had had with Judy.

After a time, she undressed and slid between the sheets, but she was deeply troubled, and not only because of the things she and Harry had openly discussed.

More importantly, it was the very things she had deliberately kept from Harry, that wounded her most and which made her deeply ashamed for the first time in her life. Bad things touching on abortion, family and wickedness. And especially the fact that Judy had come to see her another time; with news that had lifted her old heart in forgiveness.

She had toyed with the idea of telling Harry, then thought it kinder, and wiser, to let him believe what she had just now told him. It wasn’t her secret to reveal. Moreover, her suspicions were now substantiated. Yet doubts still tormented her.

She still didn’t have the whole story. At one point she had almost got the truth out of Judy; until the poor girl grew afraid and ran away .

‘Harry has a right to know my thoughts,’ she whispered to the darkness, ‘but oh, dear Lord, how can I ever be sure?’

She knew one thing though. Harry had already been the victim of deception. If the truth was even more disturbing, and Judy had not entrusted him with it, she would not be surprised if he turned his back on her and Judy for all time.

Turning over, she closed her eyes, but sleep eluded her. There were things on her mind that should be spoken out loud.

After a time, she climbed out of bed and went softly on tippy-toes down the stairs. She entered the kitchen, closed the door behind her and made herself another cup of cocoa. Then she sat at the table, rolling the cup about in her hands and thinking what to do.

‘Not telling him of my suspicions is tantamount to betraying him yet again!’ she chided herself. ‘That’s exactly what Judy did, and that’s what drove him away for all these years. He deserves to know!’ The truth played heavy on her mind.

She was all for telling him, and then she was not, and now she was desperately trying to justify keeping him in the dark. ‘If I tell him now, it will cause more heartache, so it will.’

Pushing her cocoa aside, she left it untouched and crept back to her bed. Rightly or wrongly, her decision was made. She intended to keep her own counsel, for the alternative would be too cruel for everyone concerned.

‘He’ll find her, or he won’t!’ she muttered as she clambered back under the bedclothes. ‘Either way, I can’t be the one to stir up trouble. He’s had enough upset in his life, without me adding to his burden now.’

Before drifting into a restless sleep, she turned her sad gaze to the window.

‘Forgive me,’ she begged some unseen entity. ‘I can’t voice my thoughts just now, but for Harry’s sake, I only hope and pray I’m doing the right thing by remaining silent.’

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Harry was ready to go looking for work. ‘Are you sure you don’t mind keeping an eye on Tom?’ he asked Kathleen. Though reluctant to leave his boy behind, he had been pleased to see how the pair of them were getting on like a house on fire.

‘Do I mind ?’ Kathleen was wounded. ‘Aw, sure, looking after the little fella will be a joy, so it will.’

‘I’ll be quick as I can,’ he promised Tom.

‘I don’t mind, Daddy.’ Tucking into one of the apple tarts Kathleen had baked that very morning, Tom proudly informed him, ‘Kathleen’s taking me on the bus to Bedford. We’re looking for new shoes for when I go to school.’

Harry was puzzled. ‘What about the shoes your mammy bought for you?’

Tom frowned. ‘My feet won’t stop growing, and now the shoes are squeezing all my toes up. Kathleen says when I grow up like you, I’ll probably have feet the size of meat plates.’

‘Is that right?’ Fishing in his wallet, Harry declared, ‘We can’t have my son walking about with his toes sticking out the end of his shoes!’ He gave Kathleen enough money for shoes and socks, and a bit extra for a meal and bus fare.

‘So, am I not allowed to buy the boy a new pair of shoes?’ Kathleen feigned an air of indignation. ‘Kathleen O’Leary’s money is not good enough, is that what you’re saying?’

Harry played her little game. ‘Well, I’m sure I didn’t mean to offend you.’ He held out his hand. ‘Give it back?’

‘What! You really want me to give it back? Shame on ye, Harry Boy! You’re a heartless divil, so ye are.’ She winked at Tom, who was beginning to realise it was just a game. ‘Tom, what d’ye think?’ she asked. ‘Should we keep your daddy’s money or not?’

‘Keep it! Yes!’ Laughing and screeching, Tom jumped up and down.

‘Behave yourselves, you two.’ Harry swung Tom up into his arms. ‘I can see I’ll have to keep an eye on the pair of you,’ he said, wagging a finger. ‘If I’m not careful, you’ll be running rings round me.’

A thought occurred to him. ‘Look, Kathleen, if you’re taking Tom into town, you might as well jump in the car with me,’ he suggested. ‘I can drop you off at the end of the market, if you like.’