Josephine Cox - Born Bad

Even after all this time, he could still feel the horror of that night. ‘She said if her mother found out, she would kill us both! I know I should have reacted differently, but all I could think of was to get away. Oh, it wasn’t all about her parents, or the police. It was about Judy being so young, and the child.’

‘She told me that you gave her the money to pay for an illegal abortion.’

Harry was deeply ashamed. ‘I didn’t know what else to do, and she insisted it was for the best. But she was wrong. We both were.’

He walked to the window where he stood silent for a while. ‘Believe me, Kathleen.’ He turned to address her. ‘I swear I would give anything to turn the clock back.’

‘Sure, don’t I know that already?’ She had seen the regret in his face and in his voice whenever he mentioned Judy’s name. ‘It’s all in the past now. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. You went on to make a new life and so did Judy. Don’t punish yourself, Harry Boy. You need to remember, you were not alone in making the situation. So, please, listen to me.’

She tugged at his sleeve. ‘If you don’t let the bad memories go, son, they could well destroy you.’

He gave a harsh laugh. ‘You could be right.’

‘Don’t forget, you have the boy to think of. Moreover, from what I’ve learned of Sara, she would not want you to torment yourself this way, would she, eh?’

‘No.’ Harry was brought up sharp by Kathleen’s wise words. ‘Sara would not want that.’

‘It seems you found a good woman in her. Tell me, Harry. What was she really like?’

The memory of Sara was bittersweet for Harry. ‘She was wonderful. Understanding … forgiving. If you’d known her, you would have loved her.’

Until now, Harry had not realised how much he needed to talk about Sara. ‘When I saw the relationship was getting serious, I told her all about Judy. I was afraid of losing her, but knew I had to take that chance.’

‘So – did you tell her everything – about the bairn, and how Judy lied about her age?’

‘I did, yes. After what happened with Judy, I was determined from the start that there would be no secrets between me and Sara.’

‘Sure, that’s as good a way as any to start a relationship.’ Kathleen fully approved.

‘I told her how Judy’s family was new into the street and that no one knew much about them. I described how we were drawn to each other from the first moment we met, the day she dropped all her shopping right in front of me. I explained how we naturally drifted into a serious relationship, and that it never occurred to me to ask about Judy’s age, especially when she had the look and manner of a much older girl.’

He could picture Judy in his mind so clearly. ‘I told her how sincere and lovely Judy was, and how for some reason known only to herself, she let me believe she was older than her years.’

‘You did right to tell Sara.’ Kathleen had no doubts on that score. ‘As for Judy, we were all fooled with regards to her age. I mean, she never went to school, at least not as far as we knew. So, it was natural to assume that she had left all that behind her. Anyway, lots of people left school at fourteen.’

‘But I should have known,’ Harry groaned. ‘Somehow, I should have known.’ He recalled one particular thing that had bothered him at the time, but Judy had explained it away, and he had had no reason to doubt her explanation.

Now though, having recalled the incident, he began to wonder.

He chose not to disclose this to Kathleen because it was a delicate, womanly thing, and he would find it embarrassing to talk about.

The truth was, that first and only time he and Judy made love, she was unusually nervous; almost as though she didn’t want to. In fact, he was so concerned he backed off, but Judy was adamant. ‘It’s what I want,’ she insisted.

Afterwards though, he felt as if he had betrayed her.

As it turned out, in the end, it was Judy who betrayed him.

Kathleen asked now, ‘How did Sara react to what you told her?’

‘Much like you … with compassion. She took it in her stride and urged me to track Judy down. “Put it to rest, once and for all,” is what she said, but at the time, I thought it might be best to leave it behind us.’

‘So, what made you come back now, after all this time?’

‘It was Sara. When we were told she was not long for this world, she made me promise that I would contact you, and ask if Tom and I could come home.’

‘She was very wise, your Sara.’

Harry chuckled. ‘Sometimes, when I thought I was on my own, she would be watching, almost as though she knew what I was thinking. She felt my guilt. She knew I wanted to make amends with Judy, but didn’t know how.’ He was convinced of it. ‘Otherwise, why would she be so insistent that Tom and I should come back here?’

Practical as ever, Kathleen went on to dash his hopes. ‘Maybe it was all for nothing,’ she suggested thoughtfully. ‘Especially with Judy long gone from the street.’

Harry could not hide his disappointment. ‘Where did she go?’

‘I don’t know. All I know is after you’d gone away, she came to see me – in a frantic state she was. She told me everything. She admitted that she was only fourteen, and that she was with child. She said you had given her money and she’d already arranged to visit some old woman who, she claimed, had a reputation of dealing with unwanted babies. I tried my best to stop her. I even threatened to go and see her parents, but she warned me not to, because if her mother found out, she would skin her alive. So, I offered to find her a private clinic, if she really thought that was the right thing to do.’

‘So, what did she do?’ Harry’s guilt was tenfold.

‘I truly believed she was listening to what I had to say. I got her to promise not to do anything until she’d thought it through. I asked her to come back as soon as she felt able, and between us, we would find a way to deal with it.’

Saddened, she shrugged her shoulders. ‘When I didn’t see her for a while, I assumed she was still giving it some serious thought. Then a short time later, she told me she had already been to this woman, and that everything was all right now.’

Harry blamed himself. ‘If I hadn’t given her the money, she would never have done it.’ Now he wanted to know, ‘Where can I find this woman who gets rid of unwanted babies?’

Kathleen bristled. ‘If I knew that, Harry Boy, I would be speaking to the authorities.’

‘And are you really sure that Judy was all right afterwards?’

Kathleen nodded. ‘Like she said, everything was dealt with.’

‘Do you have any idea where she is now?’

‘’Fraid not. All I know is, soon after Judy came to see me, she and her family moved away. I don’t know why they left the street, or where they went. If I did I would tell you, so I would.’

Harry believed she was telling the truth.

‘How can I find her?’ he asked now. ‘Where should I look?’

‘Do you really want my opinion?’

‘Of course.’

‘Leave it be. Let her go, Harry Boy. Sometimes, raking over old coals can get you badly burned. They may look dead, but somewhere underneath, the flame often burns on.’

‘Kathleen!’ Harry felt that she was hiding something. ‘ Do you know where Judy is?’

The little woman shook her head. ‘Wherever she is now, she’s obviously managed to put it all behind her. Happen you must do the same. Years have passed and things have changed. It’s time to look forward now. You need to build a future, for you and your son.’

The two of them talked well into the night, moving back indoors when it grew too chilly outside.