Melanie Schuster - Poetry Man

Alexis could remember the exact moment when she knew Herbert was going to say something ignorant that would get him placed in her little red book of losers from which there was no hope of return. They met at the restaurant, which was his pick. It wasn’t a four-star gourmet establishment, but it was nice enough for a first date, especially if the male wasn’t foolish enough to expect after-dinner sex. That wasn’t gonna be happening tonight or any other night, ever, no matter how needy she was. Alexis was her usual calm, reserved self, if she had to say so herself; she was ladylike and accepting of his humor; she contributed to the conversation in a friendly manner as long as it didn’t veer into the ridiculous. When she caught him staring at her as if she possessed the secret location of the Holy Grail, she knew he was about to blurt out something she’d regret hearing and sure enough, he did.

“All the women I’ve ever dated have been either light skinned or very pale brown,” he said.

Alexis wisely held her tongue because if she opened her mouth, she’d let go with a stream of vitriol that would land her on the local news at the very least, and quite possibly on the internet. Everybody had a cell phone these days; people who couldn’t balance a checkbook knew how to upload scandalous videos to the web. Instead of lashing out at him, she adopted the expression she used when dealing with social misfits like Herbert. It was a bland, patient expression that gave away nothing but covered a variety of unpleasant reactions. To Alexis’s delight, a large piece of lettuce had lodged itself between his front teeth and she wasn’t about to tell him. It was much too pleasurable to observe his stupid grin with the random bit of greenery adorning it. He just kept rattling on, unaware of the fury that was mounting across the table.

“I’ve never dated anyone who couldn’t go to a paper bag party,” he confided. “But you’re so pretty, they’d have to let you in even though you’re so dark. Your hair even looks good, but it would be better long. How come you don’t get a weave?”

Emily’s laugh was choked off by a gasp of horror. “Girl, no he didn’t! What an idiot.”

“That was the main reason, of course, but he also took my doggie bag,” Alexis said dryly.

“He did what?” Emily stopped in the middle of wiping away tears of laughter to stare at Alexis.

“We went to that Chinese restaurant that serves those huge portions. There was enough food on my plate for three people at least. I couldn’t eat it all and I asked for a to-go box. He promptly confiscated it and took it home with him!”

Emily looked totally stymied by this revelation. “Well, maybe he…”

“Don’t try to make excuses for him. He actually said something about how he paid for it and he should be the one to eat it. Sherri heard him because we were walking out to the parking lot and she was right behind us.

Sherri nodded her head vigorously. “Yes, he did, girl. He grabbed that thing like he had imminent domain or something. Latched on like there was a winning Powerball ticket in it and hurried to his car as if somebody was going to take it from him. But not before he tried to get a little sugar from the lovely Alexis.” Sherri tried not to laugh when she said it, but a few giggles crept out, anyway.

Emily made a face. “He tried to kiss you? Ewwww!”

Sherri couldn’t contain her laughter anymore. “He tried and succeeded, didn’t he?”

“He mumbled something about ‘gettin’ a little sugar from his sugar’ and before I could react his mouth was on me like a vacuum cleaner hose. I’m sure the memory of that impromptu embrace is going to haunt me for the rest of my days,” Alexis said glumly. She brightened up and added, “But he’s gonna remember it, too, because I kneed him right in his party favors. His little favors.”

Sherri was howling with mirth and Emily had joined her, but Alexis didn’t care at that point. It was a funny story, although it wasn’t a testimonial for dating in a modern world. After a few minutes, Alexis reminded Emily that she had more tales to share.

“Well, when the friends-and-family intro program didn’t bear fruit, we tried speed dating,” she reported.

Emily gave a Sherri a surprised look. “Sherri, you went speed dating?”

“No, no, no! You know I’m not going to date until Sydney is at least fifteen. I don’t have the time or the inclination to try and incorporate a man into our lives right now,” Sherri said firmly. Sydney had just turned six and Sherri was determined not to complicate her child’s life with an entourage of strange men. Alexis often told her that a few dates were hardly a parade but Sherri wouldn’t change her mind.

“Sherri didn’t participate in the speed dating. She just dragged me there and loitered around until I had to bolt,” Alexis said. “And before you ask, yes, I absolutely had to get the hell out of there.” She shuddered theatrically as she thought about the night in question. The event was held on a Wednesday evening at a popular restaurant/nightclub. The tables were arranged so the aspiring daters could face each other. In Alexis’s mind it was sort of like what purgatory would resemble.

A couple of the men she talked to seemed nice, but they didn’t strike any chords with her. One man she recognized as the husband of one of her clients. He had no idea who she was, but she definitely knew him. There was no way in the world Alexis could face sitting across from him, so she kept a keen eye on his progress. The bell rang to signal it was time to change partners.

“So I’m barely over the fact that a married man had the gall to show up at a public affair for single people when another guy sat down. He was tall, dark and handsome, believe it or not, and he was in PR or something. We actually had a decent conversation for about a minute until he said that he hoped I wasn’t a democrat. That’s when I noticed the little enamel Tea Party button on his lapel and I got up and walked out. I just couldn’t deal with it,” she said wearily. “Besides, if I’d stayed in my chair, my next ‘prospect’ would’ve been the married man.”

Sherri and Emily knew how seriously Alexis took politics and infidelity so they didn’t suggest that she had overreacted. Emily did have a question for her. “Have you ever thought about online dating?”

Alexis made a face. “Yes, I tried that, too. The results were less than stellar. I keep getting emails from boys who were too young and men who were too old. Lots of white men, for some reason. Why they found their way to a site called Mahogany Singles I don’t know, but I was their pick of the week.”

“Don’t be so close-minded,” Emily chided her. “Are you telling me you wouldn’t date a man from another race?”

“Not if he’s old enough to be my grandpa,” Alexis replied. “I don’t care about race. I just don’t want to date senior citizens. If somebody bought me a Mercedes and it was blue instead of red, I certainly wouldn’t hand back the keys,” she said. “If a man has the right qualifications, who cares what color his wrapper is? I’m just not into antiques, that’s all.”

Sherri tried not to laugh but failed. “That is so wrong, Alexis! An older man might have a lot to offer. Wisdom, maturity, sophistication…”

“Age spots, wrinkles and a lifetime supply of Viagra,” Alexis cut in sarcastically. “If you’re interested, I have several you can email. One of them looks like he played backup for ZZ Top, except his beard is longer.”

They were all laughing when Todd Wainwright came to collect his beautiful bride. Todd seemed to be perfect for Emily in every possible way. He was tall, gorgeous, brainy and he adored her. He cherished her so much that it would have been sickening had it been anyone but Emily on the receiving end of all that love. Alexis felt as if her friend deserved every wonderful thing that had come into her life and she was really happy for the two of them. They chatted for a while, until Todd announced that Emily needed to relax before dinner.