D. E. White - Remember Me

‘Yeah, I know.’ Bethan lit her own cigarette and blew smoke across the table, her beautiful eyes narrowing. ‘My mum left us, but he got a new girlfriend so he’s happy enough. My brother’s at uni in Glamorgan, well, he’s really my half-brother, and I’ve got twin sisters who are six months old. Well, I suppose they’re like half-sisters too, but Dad says he’ll never marry Isabell.’ Her chatter was strangely engaging, and she smiled at Ava, pleased at her reaction.

All these people, all these names that spun into a tangled web behind her eyes. It seemed ridiculous that she hadn’t imagined the children would meet. But Huw’s daughter, and her son… Ava pressed a hand to her forehead, just for a moment.

‘Everything all right? Ava, did you want a beer?’ Penny appeared at the doorway.

‘No, I’m fine thanks,’ Ava told her, swallowing hard. She really hoped she wasn’t going to vomit right here in Penny’s sparkling kitchen.

‘We’re going out,’ Stephen said suddenly. ‘Kai’s having a party at his place.’

Penny was frowning at the cigarettes, and Ava sensed that had she not been there, her son and his girlfriend would have got a bollocking.

The teenagers slammed out of the house – Bethan smiling slightly apologetically, drifting along behind her boyfriend, and Stephen ignoring everyone. Ava made her own excuses.

‘Sorry, Penny, I should probably go too. I hope I haven’t made things worse, but at least he’s heard it from me now,’ she said carefully. A proper talk would have to come later, when there weren’t so many people around. How was she going to give him the money? It had seemed like such a good idea, but now, faced with his anger… Certainly she could never tell her son about Paul’s threats to expose Ellen’s death because she would have to tell him the whole story. What a fucking mess, and how was she, the icy, rigidly controlled workaholic, getting into such an emotional flap?

‘You’re going so soon? Don’t you want to have a proper chat with the boys?’ Penny asked, her face unreadable.

The boys. ‘No, I really must go. Jetlag catching up with me, I think.’

‘Well, all right. Why don’t you give me your phone number and we can arrange that catch-up? I never… well, Paul always said it was best we didn’t contact you, so he never would give me your number, otherwise I might have tried to get back in contact sooner. But you knew where I was, didn’t you? I suppose if you had wanted to speak to me, you would have called. But that’s in the past, I’ve got so much to tell you now.’ Penny’s glass-green eyes were hopeful, but the smile was back to being a little sharp, her fingers nervously twisting her ponytail into little curls.

‘Yes. Great idea, and thank you for… you know,’ Ava snatched her phone out of her pocket, swapped details with Penny, and headed for the door. Again, could she tell Penny that part of her deal with Paul was never to contact Penny either? She could still remember his exact words. ‘You fucked up, so make your own life and stay away from all of us. I’ll give Stephen the choice when he’s old enough, but don’t expect miracles. That part of your life is over now, so piss off and waste someone else’s time.’

Paul was calling for his wife now, asking for another drink, and she smiled apologetically at Ava before answering him, and disappearing into the living room.

Alone in the hall, Ava wanted to make a quick getaway. As she grabbed her coat the door swung open and Leo smiled out at her. His eyes had that familiar glitter of annoyance, and his mouth was stiff. ‘Aren’t you coming in to talk to us now, Ava? Paul’s just having some more painkillers. He’ll be fine after a few minutes. We need to catch up, and fifteen years is a long time. I suppose we could always play a quick game of “Spin the Bottle” to make you feel right at home.’

‘Funny, aren’t you?’ Darting a quick glance towards the kitchen, she lowered her voice. ‘Why would I want to come and have a little chat? Oh, yes, so you and Paul can take it in turns to try and wind me up. I don’t think so, Leo. Grow up, the both of you.’

His expression changed and the naughtiness was back. ‘That’s a bit harsh. I thought we might talk about old times. I’m proud of how you turned your life around, but out of everyone, only you and me managed to get away. It proves something, doesn’t it?’

‘It doesn’t prove anything. Fuck off, Leo.’

Ignoring her warning, he was coming closer. So close that she took a step back and came up hard against the wall. His breath was warm on her cheek, and she could smell the sourness of alcohol. One hand slid around her waist. ‘I missed you, Ava.’

Horrified, Ava shoved him away and hissed back, ‘And I think you must have turned stupid in your old age. Either that, or you really are still a sick bastard. Just fuck off and keep away from me, Leo!’

Leo shrugged, accepting her words, still amused, still smiling and swaying slightly from the drink. It was always like that. She argued, threw insults, and he stayed serene and got what he wanted. Well, not this time. Ava pulled on her coat, shouted goodbye and swung the iron latch on the front door. The icy air blasted in, and the darkness hid everything but her first few steps. She strode carelessly down the slippery path, sure-footed from instinct as fury drove her back out onto the hills.

Before she was quite out of earshot, his words floated after her. ‘Be careful on the hill tonight, Ava, and remember to go left at the lambing pen…’

Don’t get me wrong, I like the kid. He’s got guts, and that stubborn streak I admire. Of course, he’s also got a look of Ava, which helps. He does his thing, and I do mine. Outwardly it seems like I’m doing a whole lot more, but I think I’ve mentioned that I’m pretty clever. I know how people tick, what they admire, and how nobody really looks that deep if they have something else to focus on.

He’s just another piece on the game board. It wouldn’t bother me if he had to be sacrificed at the roll of a dice. Honestly, it wouldn’t.

Tonight I was up late, planning my moves, irritated to see the clock ticking onwards, killing my peace. I like the blackness of night. It excites me. Often I wonder if it is light or dark that you see when your time comes.

There are photographs up on my computer screen. This particular girl looks beautiful, and I’m sure she’ll remember that night for the rest of her life. She has no idea the magic I worked later on, and the horrors I added. I imagine she’ll never see the finished product, which in a way is a shame. I’ve turned something sick and twisted into an art form, simply by being cleverer than them all. Hollywood would welcome me with open arms if I let people know what I could do. But those people will never see that side of me.

A notification pops up on the screen, and I click to see more Instagram followers. My social media is perfection, so glossy and sexy, and fake. It’s a distracting game to play, and out here in the harsh daylight people are easy to fool. Or perhaps not? Is it all a double bluff? The thought makes me sigh with pleasure.

How have I waited so long for Ava? I’ve been planning. It keeps me sane, and I did have one little leap across the board. I was right about Fate, and he stepped in, in a totally unexpected but totally deserving way. I landed right on the edge of a black square. The memory of his useless screams comfort me during the long hours of daylight. I watched him frantically trying to regain control, using everything he had to survive. But it was impossible, the odds were stacked against him, and when it was over I went to check, inhaling the luscious smells of blood and terror. I could almost taste it, but I couldn’t linger long.