Alison Tyler - Alison's Wonderland

But being submissive sucks mainly because I’m just not getting any. I guess I come across as scary, and I’m aware my inability to form lasting relationships has engendered a certain aloofness. Maybe that’s why I’m often propositioned by men who offer money to call me Mistress. Or maybe it’s because I earn my living from being bored on a pedestal. Perhaps they see their proposal as promotion.

But being on top leaves me cold. I want a man who’ll bring me down, do terrible things to me and take away my power. I want him to debase me, bind me, fuck my face and force me into sex, perhaps with a little help from his friends. And if this ever happened and I were to kill them all afterward, I can honestly say, hand on my unbeating heart, it would be done in a spirit of regret not revenge.

Because I can’t help who I am. I need blood to survive. Perhaps there’s a murderous streak sparkling in my eyes. Whatever the reason, I don’t get the right guys and for too many years, my submission has lain dormant, existing purely in my own warped fantasies. It’s not enough. I want to play passive. I want a man who’ll bring my dark desires to life again.

I lay a hand below my throat in an attitude of piety or mild shock. He’s still watching me, that rapt and cunning expression on his face. Gazing beyond my audience, I focus on a faux-Victorian lamppost in the shopping plaza. A droplet of sweat dribbles past my ear. No one will see that, I’m sure. But it’s only a matter of time and before long, I feel moisture stippling my painted face. I’m corpse-white already, so the paint is merely for texture and sunblock. It can’t hide perspiration. A single bead of sweat slides down my forehead and, horrified, I picture it as an enormous globule of shimmering liquid, pink as a strawberry milk shake. They’re all staring. Seconds later, the droplet spills and splashes from the ledge of a white-coated eyebrow.

Nothing happens. There’s no muttering or shifting among my audience. I reckon I’ve got away with it. But then a second droplet emerges from my hairline, a third and fourth. I don’t like to come alive when the crowds are large. I prefer to let the numbers dwindle, but it’s too hot today. This isn’t going to work. My secret isn’t safe.

“Oi!” calls a voice. “Yer wig’s melting!”

Their laughter is nasty. Sweat is running freely down my face now. A patch of uncertain applause lifts and dies and coins clatter brightly at my feet.

“How does she do it?”

“Ugh, that’s well creepy.”

“My God, she looks rotten. She was so pretty before.”

Droplets trickle toward my eyes, making me weep pale red tears. I stand like a parodic Jesus Christ, my candy-pink hair my crown of thorns, my face streaked with sweat that has the taint of death.

Money tumbles and cameras click. Carefully, I step down from my pedestal. I keep my head low, my movements soft. I bend and crouch then I lie on my money, curling into a ball. The money smells bitter. Some people walk away. All I want to do is stay here till it’s pitch-black, the shops have shut and everyone’s gone home. Moments later, a shadow falls across my face. He squats and clasps me by the wrist, making my arm twist awkwardly. Jewelry glints on his hand.

“I’ll look after you,” he says, and his voice is laced with threat.

His hair is shorn, his eyes are hard and a small graze on a cheekbone hints at ruby-red blood. He has the corrupted beauty of a handsome man who’s too fond of danger. I wonder if he’s a dealer or a pimp. He jerks my arm, urging me to stand.

“Thank you,” I reply, and I know I have him: my victim, my prince.

I leave my pedestal and cash in a locker at the train station and, as the light fades, we walk through town. I pat my sweat dry but don’t bother changing. I’ve loosened my hair and it tumbles past my shoulders in crazy pink tails. I hook the drapes of my toga over one arm and walk barefoot. My soles are as tough as old boots, a legacy from my hippie days, and I shun shoes whenever I can. I look like a cerise Medusa and beside me is David, worthy of Michelangelo, eating a burger from a polystyrene tray.

“There are more lucrative ways to earn money on the streets,” he says through a mouthful of food. “I could show you where to start. Pretty girl like you is wasted as a statue. Plenty of men who’d appreciate your charms. Trust me, you could make a fortune.”

“Are you trying to make me your sex slave?” I ask hopefully.

David laughs, throws his burger box into a bin and wipes the back of his hand across his mouth. A chunky wristwatch peeps from the sleeve of his suit. He’s very flash.

“Because I’d like that,” I continue. “I’d like to be your whore.” Saying the words is easier than I’d anticipated. I’ve kept my desires to myself for so long that voicing them is a leap of faith, but once I’ve started, the words simply flow. “You could do whatever you want to me,” I say. “Let other men use me, as well. But I’ve never been a whore before. I might need some practice.”

“Nah, it’s a doddle,” says David. “All you have to do is open your legs.”

I don’t think he’s quite understood. “I think you should give me a test run,” I reply. “Make sure I’m good enough. And I think I should know what it’s like to meet a punter who wants to do terrible things to me.”

“Uh-huh? What sort of terrible things?”

“Call me names,” I say. “And, um, maybe I need to know how it is to go with a guy who gets off on kidnapping women, someone who wants to tie me up and gag me, who wants to use me as his plaything. A guy who won’t take any notice of my screams. A guy—”

David swings to face me, grabs me around the arms, then bundles me backward into an alley. A few people glance our way, but nobody intervenes. Given that I’m chalk-white in a toga and David’s in a suit, they probably think we’re performance artists or actors. He slams me up against the wall, a hand clamped to my mouth. He glares at me, eyes full of glee.

“Dirty little bitch,” he says, and he shoves a hand between my legs, bunching up the folds of my toga. “Gagging for it, aren’t you?” He rubs the cotton hard against my cunt. “Aren’t you, slut?”

And I moan that I am, while thinking how times have changed since the sixties.

“Come on,” he says. “I’ll give you a test run.” He grabs a fistful of my hair and frog-marches me deeper into the alley. He turns left, and I stumble ahead of him into a wider backstreet bordered by higgledy-piggledy buildings with narrow fire escapes zigzagging up their brickwork. Small, grimy windows cast smudges of light into the dusk of evening, steam plumes from vents, and clanging saucepans and barked orders punctuate the seedy calm of this hidden street. We are behind a stretch of restaurants and cheap hotels, stumbling through the grubby reality that feeds and fuels the tourist trade.

It’s quieter here. David seems to know where he’s going and that makes me nervous. I start to wonder if this is what I really want. Oh, I know I’ll win, I always do, but as David shoves me into a recess, I have to ask myself: At what cost? I’ll escape with my life—if you can call it that—but what might this do to my mind?

In the recess is a fire door partially blocked by a stack of wooden pallets, and the lilac of a UV insect zapper glows from a small, wire-mesh window. David presses me against a narrow wall, his forearm across my neck, pushing my chin high. He’s breathing fast, his eyes are wild, and that faint scab on his cheekbone gleams in the purplish half-light.

“Test run, eh?” He covers my breast with his free hand, pummeling through my toga. “You like that?” he asks. “You like it when guys touch you there?”