Josephine Cox - Three Letters

Relieved and happy that they were going to stay with Granddad Bob for a while, Casey made his way to the front parlour.

Turning to Ruth, who appeared to be in a quieter mood, Tom told her, ‘Oddly enough, I still have feelings for you, but I could never again want you as my wife … not in that way. Not after you’ve shared yourself with other men time and again.’

Ruth made no answer. Instead, while seeming to listen, she slyly glanced to the door, where Casey was now waiting, the guitar safe in its soft cover, and clutched tightly in his arms.

‘Ruth, d’you hear what I’m saying?’ Tom was slightly unnerved by her suddenly calm manner.

‘I’m listening.’ Her smile crept over him.

‘Once I leave here, I’ll be out of your life for good. I will never again set foot in this house, but it goes without saying I can’t speak for our son. Whatever he decides in the future is up to him, but he will always have a place in my father’s house.’

He desperately needed to share his close secret with someone; a secret that was playing heavily on his mind, especially now. He felt angry, and guilty and so alone. Sadly Ruth had never been the kind of woman a person might confide in.

Sensing a weakness about him, Ruth turned on the tears. ‘Please, Tom, don’t leave me destitute. I can’t afford to rent this house on my own. I love you both. I couldn’t bear it if you left.’

‘Sorry but the decision is made. Whatever the cost to me, I intend doing what’s right for Casey.’ Aware that Casey might hear, Tom lowered his voice. ‘The way you went for the boy was shocking. It showed real hatred. I must have been blind or stupid not to have seen it before.’

Realising he’d seen right through her, she boldly admitted, ‘You’re absolutely right, I do have a powerful hatred for the boy, so much so that I shrink inside whenever he comes near me. What’s more, I feel the same way about you … always have done.’

When he looked away she sidled up to him, her voice taunting. ‘So y’see? I don’t give a bugger whether you stay or go, but if you think I’ll hand you a divorce so you can opt out of supporting me financially, you’ve another thought coming.’

Tom instinctively drew back. ‘You don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of keeping him.’ Taking her by the arms, he held her tightly. ‘When did you ever show him any tenderness or guidance? Whenever he brought friends home, you couldn’t wait to get rid of them on some pretext or other. You made them feel uncomfortable, making nasty comments and belittling Casey in front of them, and now he has no friends at all. So, what does that say about you, eh?’

‘You’re twisting things! I was right to get rid of them! Besides, they weren’t real friends! They were cunning little buggers, and they were not welcome in my house.’

‘ Your house, is it?’

‘Yes! My house, my son, and my decision. Besides, it’s a mother’s place to vet her son’s friends. What I did was for his own good.’

‘So, tell me, Ruth, if he’s your son, and you know what’s best for him, why did you never cuddle him or sit down and talk with him about school or the music he loves? Why do you never ask how he’s doing at his lessons, or praise him when he achieves something he’s proud of … like the time he played the guitar in assembly. Do you remember, how he came running home all excited, and you just brushed it aside, like it was nothing?’

‘All right! I’ll tell you why I didn’t want to make a fuss. It’s because, unlike you, I don’t want him turning into some kind of softie. Besides, any fool can tap their fingers against a piece o’ wood and make some kind o’ noise. It doesn’t mean they’re summat special.’

‘How would you know? That day, in front of all those parents, teachers and even classmates, our son poured his emotions into the music and the music touched a cord in everyone. He made me proud, but then I expect that’s something you could never understand.’

His words sent her mind reeling back to when she was younger. He was wrong to tell her she could never understand Casey’s talent, because she did understand. She had always understood and hated him all the more for it. In spite of her searching for the bad in him, she found only good. He was a normal boy, back-chatting at times and grating on her nerves when he stood up to her. Occasionally, he had proven to be as disobedient and aggravating as any other boy, but for all that, she recognised something special in him. Something intangible, which awakened the best in everyone, except her. In truth, she envied him.

Casey was everything she was not. He was kind while she was cruel. He needed her but she had never needed him. Unlike her, he had the capability to love, fiercely and with great pride, as in the way he loved Tom and Granddad Bob; while she was incapable of loving anyone. Over the years, she had watched the boy grow into a fine young person under Tom’s guidance, and every day she was punished because of it. Yet, she had never told, and never would.

Even as a baby, when Casey held up his chubby arms for a cuddle, she would turn away – much as she had turned away from her family, where she had looked in vain for love, and even from Tom, a man of principle. A hard-working man, who had always provided for her, and who had, from an early age, loved her without question.

Tom and the boy were not of her world. They were too safe, too predictable. Since childhood she had never wanted a safe world.

And for that, she had neither regrets, nor peace. She had hardened her heart, vowing never to let others hurt her, but they had hurt her, and the pain was like a living thing inside her. It had taught her that love could only ever bring pain.

‘RUTH!’

‘What now?’ Startled out of her reverie, she raged at him, ‘I won’t change my mind. I mean to keep the boy, and there is nothing you or your father can do about it. When the time comes, I’ll make sure he knuckles down, and learns a useful trade. You might be running away, but I won’t allow him to go. It won’t be long before he’ll need to take up his responsibilities. There’ll be no more time wasted on music and such, I’ll make sure of it.’

‘Not if I can help it, you won’t! His granddad thinks as I do.’

‘For pity’s sake, what’s wrong with you? He’s a boy, he should be outside playing football or fighting in the playground, or being trained for summat that might earn him a living, like building or plumbing. Instead he’s wasting his time holding a piece o’ wood and making noises that no one cares about. He’s useless, and the sooner he gets out of school and into a proper job, the happier I’ll be, and that’s the truth.’

Casey had retreated into the passage to lean forlornly against the far wall. ‘Look at him!’ Ruth screeched. ‘Hugging that damned guitar like it were summat precious. It’s nothing but a piece o’ wood, that’s all. Useless … like him!’

Deeply hurt, Casey stepped forward. ‘You don’t understand. When I played in assembly, everybody stood up and clapped. Miss Hardwick said it was beautiful, but you never heard me because you weren’t even there. You don’t care about anything I do.’ When the tears began to flow, he wiped his eyes and brought his sorry gaze to the floor.

Unmoved, Ruth rounded on Tom. ‘Now, see what you’ve done. You’ve got him thinking he’s summat special. He thinks that piece o’ wood is his future, but it’s not and never will be. It won’t earn him a wage, and it won’t make him a man. It’s nothing! D’you hear me?’

Suddenly she rushed across the room and grabbed the guitar out of Casey’s arms. Fighting Tom off as he tried to stop her, she smashed the instrument against the wall where the cover split open, shooting out splinters of wood and tangled strings.