Eileen Alexander - Love in the Blitz

Strangely enough, Gershon, one of the things that I value most highly in you is the fact that your affection for me does not blind you to my shortcomings … (Incidentally, dear, ‘In love’ is not my idiom – because its opposite is ‘out of love’ – whereas the opposite of ‘to love’ is ‘not to love’ which is less frighteningly consecutive!) That is why you are incontestably my friend as well as my Young Fellow – because, though my feelings are a sorrow to you on one plane, you are able to meet them with wonderful sympathy and understanding on another – whereas, if your regard for me were uncritical – you’d be so shattered when you found me out, that you’d cast me off at one fell swoop.

I often feel that you think that my affection for you is blind & undiscriminating – but, as a matter of fact, darling, it isn’t. The things for which I love you are real – your tolerance & understanding – your infinite patience with me – your unswerving sense of honour – which has led you scrupulously to keep me abreast of what you were feeling from the very beginning of our friendship – the subtlety and delicacy of your mind – the broad sweep of your humour – and your charm, of which other women must have been aware before me. Besides these things, what do the qualities in you which frighten me, or which I don’t understand, matter?

For instance, we’ll never agree in our estimates of the significance of physical love. I am not able to understand, but I have learnt to accept, that you would not regard kissing another girl as an irrevocable act of infidelity on every plane. If I were to kiss anyone but you, it would be an irreparable betrayal – because, to me, a kiss is a symbol of complete surrender. It is something so personal & intimate, that to kiss anyone I didn’t love would be nothing less than obscene. (It makes me feel ill to think of it!) But, darling, I do realize that you feel differently about this – just as lots of people feel differently about the actual presence of the body & blood of Christ in the bread & wine of Christian communion – & I’m not less fond of you for that.

I had a letter from Aubrey this morning. He’s being moved, Mess & all – and he was all-of-a-flutter because his CO had asked him to go to the pictures with him. It is all Very Beautiful.

Lord Lloyd wrote this morning to say that he’d be glad to give me the letter of recommendation I need – so I’ll be able to send my Comic Form to the Central Register12 within a few days – and then I really shall feel that I’ve taken the first step towards economic independence. (What a Solace!)

Wednesday 10 July Ismay’s dear little Charles has at last been transferred from an OCTU13 darling, stripes and all. She’s asked me to have lunch with her one day to celebrate his Rise.

Darling – there is one point arising out of your last letter which I want to make clear. You say that you would like your perfect Solace to be the kind of woman who would not allow her own personality to be submerged if it ran counter to yours at any point – & I don’t think it’s just a fancy of mine to suppose that you believe that my personality would be so submerged. Well, dear, I should always want, with you, to put your wishes before my personal inclination (as in the instance when you were so angry with me because I went to the theatre, in accordance with your spoken wish, instead of going for a walk as I wanted to – it’s a trivial instance but ’twill serve) though often (as on the occasion when I wouldn’t let you leave me – to write vitally important letters) my own selfish wants might overrule this – but, darling, if an ethical principle were involved in our conflicting wishes, then I should not want to give way to you – but, because I have absolute confidence in your moral dependability – I don’t believe such a conflict could ever arise between us – if I thought it could, I couldn’t love you.

Looking back on everything I’ve said to you in the last few months it occurs to me that I haven’t a shred of dignity left in the world. (You know, I think I did once have a kind of dignity, in spite of being dumpy & silly-looking.) I wish I still had a little.

Friday 12 July Darling, you should see Nurse’s Air Force Hanger-On standing sentinel at the gate while she’s pinning the last curl in place – (Tides – Seasons – Armies must wait while Nurse pins her curls into place. She has no Uncertain Opinion about her looks. She bought a new cotton dress the other day & came into my room to show it to me. I was wearing my blue & white checked dress at the time, & I remarked that hers was very much more attractive than mine. ‘It all depends on who wears a dress,’ she said, tossing her head. ‘Now you might look very silly in this dress, while I think I’d look rather nice in yours’ & she left me gasping. Darling, I know I’m plain, but there are kinder ways of saying it, don’t you think?)

Mrs Seidler has just arrived dear. She asked after you, and said such nice things about you that I think I’ll find her a Solace for the rest of my life.

Saturday 13 July Some of the characteristics that I have of my own, darling, are the following:-

a.) The ability to talk vaguely to strangers about anything, as though I were interested in them and it. (As it is, I only talk to people who interest me on subjects that amuse – but I do know how to be universally ‘sociable’.) In future I shall try & put this into practice.

b.) A real joy in household usefulness, efficiency & neatness – countered by a dislike of doing these things myself – but rather than see a room or a house messy & ill-managed, I would do it – and now I shall do it – in spite of the fact that if I left my room in a mess someone would come in & clean it up.

Bombshell of the Year – Sheila has just rung up to say that Hamish has announced his engagement to Charlotte – & Joan & I were congratulating one another on Tuesday on his Impending Happy Release – and now this has Happened. Oh! woe – how are the mighty fallen. Mr & Mrs Falconer are Numb – Sheila is Shattered – so is Allan – so am I – so, doubtless, is Joan. Charlotte arrived in London with him & her mother – All Dewy & Clinging – then she went to Devonshire & sent Sheila a pot of cream. This, says S, tragically is The End – & she rang off in Sorrow & Anger.

Tuesday 16 July I had a letter from Aubrey this morning – His address is 14th Battalion S. Staffordshire Regt, Racecourse, Hereford. He seems happier in Hereford than he has been anywhere since he was encased in the habiliments of war (this is his idiom as well as mine). He has a batman called Nightingale who is a Great Solace to him. He says he asked him the other morning whether he ever sang in Berkeley Square, to which Pte Nightingale replied Rather Beautifully ‘No Sir’ and would he be wanting anything else? Aubrey says that the Paddock at Hereford has the finest array of Duncans in captivity, and that is a further solace to him. He loves letters, darling – write to him if you can spare the time – after you have written to me.

Wednesday 17 July What a Beautiful Picture, darling, – you in the Air Raid Shelter trying to make your mother & Raymond & Alice aware of the Consummation of the Marriage of Literature & Life.

No – I’m not surprised about Hamish & Charlotte – only in sorrow. She’s such a dam’ silly, prim, kittenish little thing. I don’t know why Allan is shattered – probably because Sheila is. I’ve never known him to have any reasons of his own for anything yet – but Charlotte is enough to make anyone come out in a rash of sheer irritation – & Allan, like the rest of us, is very fond of Hamish.

Darling, I do blame my school-fellows for being unkind about my appearance. You don’t know what it’s like to be fat & ungainly & acutely conscious of your supreme unattractiveness – & while I didn’t want anyone to try & soothe me with mendacious flattery – I was grateful to the people who made no comment at all. I’m still very self-conscious about being plain – (Joyce says that what I lack is showmanship – the power to make the best of my appearance & to make an impression on people by physical self-confidence. Look at Ursula, she says, 50% of her charm is good showmanship. No-one stops to remember that she has nobbly features & is too thin – because she’s vivacious & assured & she dresses & carries herself strikingly – perhaps she’s right) and Nurse’s constant jibes are a real Sorrow.