Tara Pammi - Scandalous Sins

What if she never found someone as perfect for her as Cam? What if she ended up alone and had to be satisfied with being an aunty or godmother instead of the mother she longed to be? She had been embroidering baby clothes since she was a teenager. She’d made them for her sisters and brother’s wife Zoe each time they were expecting but she had her own private stash of clothes. It was her version of a hope chest. Every time she looked at those little vests and booties and bibs she felt an ache of longing. But it wasn’t just about having a baby, she realised with a jolt. She wanted to have Cam’s baby. She couldn’t think of anything she wanted more than to be with him, not just for Christmas but for ever.

* * *

After dinner they walked hand in hand through the Christmas wonderland of London’s streets. Violet had always loved Christmas in her adopted city but being with Cam made the lights seem all the brighter, the colours all the more vivid, the hype of the festive season all the more exciting. When they walked past the Somerset House ice-skating rink, Cam stopped and looked down at her with a twinkling look. ‘Fancy a quick twirl to work off dinner?’

Violet looked at the gloriously lit rink with the beautifully decorated Christmas tree at one end. She had skated there a couple of times with Stef and Amy but she’d felt awkward because they had brought their boyfriends. The boys had offered to partner her but she’d felt so uncomfortable she’d pretended to have a sore ankle rather than take them up on their offer. ‘I’m not very good at it...’ she said. ‘And I’m not wearing the right clothes.’

‘Excuses, excuses,’ Cam said. ‘It won’t take long to go home and change.’

Within a little while they were back at the rink dressed in jeans and jackets and hats and gloves. Violet felt like a foal on stilts until Cam took her by the hand and led her around until she felt more secure. He looked like he’d been skating all his life, his balance and agility making her attempts look rather paltry in comparison.

‘You’re doing great,’ he said, wrapping one arm around her waist. ‘Let’s do a complete circuit. Ready?’

Violet leaned into his body and went with him in graceful sweeps and swishes that made the cold air rush past her face. It was exhilarating to be moving so quickly and with his steady support she gained more and more confidence, even letting go of his hand at one point to do a twirl in front of him.

Cam took her hand again, smiling broadly. ‘What did I tell you? You’re a natural.’

‘Only with you.’ And not just with skating. How would she ever make love with someone else and feel the same level of pleasure? It didn’t seem possible. It wasn’t possible because there was no way she could ever feel the same about someone else.

Once they had given back their skates, they walked to the London Eye, where Cam paid for them to go on to look at the Christmas lights all over London. Violet had been on the giant Ferris wheel a couple of times but it was so much more special doing it with Cam. The city was a massive grid of twinkling lights, a wonderland of festive cheer that made all the children and most of the adults on board exclaim with wonder.

Violet turned in the circle of Cam’s arms to smile at him. ‘It’s amazing, isn’t it? It makes me get all excited about Christmas when usually I’m dreading it.’

A slight frown appeared on his brow. ‘Why do you dread it? I thought you loved spending Christmas with your family.’

Violet shifted her gaze to look at the fairyland below. ‘I do love it...mostly, it’s just I’m always the odd one out. The one without a partner. Apart from Grandad, of course.’

His hand stroked the small of her back. ‘You won’t be without a partner this year.’

But what about next year? Violet had to press her lips together to stop from saying it out loud. Once Christmas was over so too would their relationship come to an end. All the colour and sparkle and excitement and joy would be snuffed out, just like someone turning off the Christmas lights.

‘No one knows what the next year will bring,’ Cam said as if he had read her thoughts. ‘You could be married and pregnant by then.’

I wish...but only if it were to you. ‘I can’t see that happening.’ Violet waited a moment before adding, ‘Would you come to my wedding if I were to get married?’

Something flashed across his face as if pain had gripped him somewhere deep inside his body. ‘Would I be invited?’ His tone was light, almost teasing, but she could sense an undercurrent of something else. Something darker. Brooding.

‘Of course,’ Violet said. ‘You’re part of the family. It wouldn’t be a Drummond wedding if you weren’t there.’

‘As long as you don’t ask me to be the best man,’ he said with a grim look. ‘My father’s asked me to be his and that’ll be four times in a row.’

‘Wow, you must be an expert at best man speeches by now.’

‘Yeah, well, I hope this is the last time but I seriously doubt it.’

Violet thought of her parents and how loving and committed they were to each other and had been from the moment they’d met. They renewed their wedding vows every ten years and went back to the same cottage on the Isle of Skye where they’d spent their honeymoon on each and every anniversary. How had Cam dealt with his father’s casual approach to marriage? Ross McKinnon changed wives faster than a sports car changed gears. How embarrassing it must be for Cam to have to go through yet another wedding ceremony knowing it would probably end in divorce. ‘Maybe this time will be different,’ she said. ‘Maybe your dad is really in love this time.’

Cam’s expression was a picture of cynicism. ‘He doesn’t know the meaning of the word.’

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