Derek Landy - Skulduggery Pleasant - Books 1 - 12

“Hungry?” he asked when it had boiled, but she shook her head. “Milk?” She nodded. He added milk and spoonfuls of sugar, gave the tea a quick stir and put the cup on the table in front of her. She took a sip – it was hot, but nice.

“Thank you,” Stephanie said, and he gave a little shrug. It was hard discerning some of his gestures without a face to go by, but she took the shrug to mean “think nothing of it”.

“Was that magic? With the fire, and blasting the door?”

“Yes, it was.”

She peered closer. “How can you talk?”

“Sorry?”

“How can you talk? You move your mouth when you speak, but you’ve got no tongue, you’ve got no lips, you’ve got no vocal cords. I mean, I know what skeletons look like, I’ve seen diagrams and models and stuff, and the only things that hold them together are flesh and skin and ligaments, so why don’t you just fall apart?”

He gave another shrug, both shoulders this time. “Well, that’s magic too.”

She looked at him. “Magic’s pretty handy.”

“Yes, magic is.”

“And what about, you know, nerve endings? Can you feel pain?”

“I can, but that’s not a bad thing. Pain lets you know when you’re alive, after all.”

“And are you alive?”

“Well, technically , no, but…”

She peered into his empty eye sockets. “Do you have a brain?”

He laughed. “I don’t have a brain, I don’t have any organs, but I have a consciousness.” He started clearing away the sugar and the milk. “To be honest with you, it’s not even my head.”

“What?”

“It’s not. They ran away with my skull. I won this one in a poker game.”

“That’s not even yours? How does it feel?”

“It’ll do. It’ll do until I finally get around to getting my own head back. You look faintly disgusted.”

“I just… Doesn’t it feel weird? It’d be like wearing someone else’s socks.”

“You get used to it.”

“What happened to you?” she asked. “Were you born like this?”

“No, I was born perfectly normal. Skin, organs, the whole shebang. Even had a face that wasn’t too bad to look at, if I do say so myself.”

“So what happened?”

Skulduggery leaned against the worktop, arms folded across his chest. “I got into magic. Back then – back when I was, for want of a better term, alive – there were some pretty nasty people around. The world was seeing a darkness it might never have recovered from. It was war, you see. A secret war, but war nonetheless. There was a sorcerer, Mevolent, worse then any of the others, and he had himself an army, and those of us who refused to fall in behind him found ourselves standing up against him.

“And we were winning. Eventually, after years of fighting this little war of ours, we were actually winning. His support was crumbling, his influence was fading, and he was staring defeat in the face. So he ordered one last, desperate strike against all the leaders on our side.”

Stephanie stared at him, lost in his voice.

“I went up against his right-hand man who had laid out a wickedly exquisite trap. I didn’t suspect a thing until it was too late.

“So I died. He killed me. The twenty-third of October it was, when my heart stopped beating. Once I was dead, they stuck my body up on a pike and burned it for all to see. They used me as a warning – they used the bodies of all the leaders they had killed as warnings – and, to my utter horror, it worked.”

“What do you mean?”

“The tide turned. Our side starting losing ground. Mevolent got stronger. It was more than I could stand, so I came back.”

“You just… came back ?”

“It’s… complicated. When I died, I never moved on. Something was holding me here, making me watch. I’ve never heard of it happening before that and I haven’t heard of it happening since, but it happened to me. So when it got too much, I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river. So that was a marvellous new experience right there.”

“Then what happened?”

“I put myself back together, which was rather painful, then climbed out of the river and rejoined the fight, and in the end, we won. We finally won. So, with Mevolent defeated, I quit that whole scene and struck out on my own for the first time in a few hundred years.”

Stephanie blinked. “Few hundred ?”

“It was a long war.”

“That man, he called you detective.”

“He obviously knows me by reputation,” Skulduggery said, standing a little straighter. “I solve mysteries now.”

“Really?”

“Quite good at it too.”

“So, what, you’re tracking down your head?”

Skulduggery looked at her. If he’d had eyelids, he might well be blinking. “It’d be nice to have it back, sure, but…”

“So you don’t need it, like, so you can rest in peace?”

“No. No, not really.”

“Why did they take it? Was that another warning?”

“Oh, no,” Skulduggery said with a little laugh. “No, they didn’t take it. I was sleeping, about ten or fifteen years ago, and these little goblin things ran up and nicked it right off my spinal column. Didn’t notice it was gone till the next morning.”

Stephanie frowned. “And you didn’t feel that?”

“Well, like I said, I was asleep. Meditating, I suppose you’d call it. I can’t see, hear or feel anything when I’m meditating. Have you tried it?”

“No.”

“It’s very relaxing. I think you’d like it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on you losing your head.”

“I didn’t lose it,” he said defensively. “It was stolen.”

Stephanie was feeling stronger now. She couldn’t believe that she’d fainted. Fainted . It was such an old woman thing to do. She glanced up at Skulduggery. “You’ve had a very unusual life, haven’t you?”

“I suppose I have. Not over yet though. Well, technically it is, but…”

“Isn’t there anything you miss?”

“About what?”

“About living.”

“Compared to how long I’ve been like this, I was only technically alive for a blink of an eye. I can’t really remember enough about having a beating heart in my chest to miss it.”

“So there’s nothing you miss?”

“I… I suppose I miss hair. I miss how it… was. And how it was there, on top of my head. I suppose I miss my hair.” He took out his pocket watch and his head jerked back. “Wow, look at the time. I’ve got to go, Stephanie.”

“Go? Go where?”

“Things to do, I’m afraid. Number one is finding out why that nice gentleman was sent here, and number two is finding out who sent him.”

“You can’t leave me alone,” she said, following him into the living room.

“Yes,” he corrected, “I can. You’ll be perfectly safe.”

“The front door’s off!”

“Well, yes. You’ll be perfectly safe as long as they don’t come through the front door.”

He pulled on his coat but she snatched his hat away.

“Are you taking my hat hostage?” he asked doubtfully.

“You’re either staying here to make sure no one else attacks me or you’re taking me with you.”

Skulduggery froze. “That,” he said eventually, “wouldn’t be too safe for you.”

“Neither would being left here on my own.”

“But you can hide,” he said, gesturing around the room. “There’s so many places to hide. I’m sure there are plenty of good solid wardrobes your size. Even under a bed. You’d be surprised how many people don’t check under beds these days.”

“Mr Pleasant—”