Miranda Dickinson - Take A Look At Me Now

She let me go. ‘So, when are you going to see him?’

I took a deep breath. ‘Now.’

When I’d wished for something to change on the bus that morning, the prospect of rekindling my relationship with Aidan had been the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn’t going to change my life – not in the way I expected – but it was a start. A more settled relationship might set me up to make the changes I really wanted to make, changes that might take a few years to bring them into being. For unbeknown to anyone – even my best friend – I had been cradling a dream for years. I dreamed of running my own business. It had begun as an idea for a restaurant but when Vicky and I visited New York for a Christmas shopping trip two years ago my dream had changed. Instead of a café or restaurant, which were ten-a-penny in the capital, I began to dream about establishing a truly authentic American diner, serving pancakes, waffles and French toast for brunch and all manner of burgers, calzone, pizza and BBQ cuts for dinner. Everything prepared fresh, everything made to order. I dreamed about it when stuck in boring Council meetings, sketching doodles of interior layouts and signs on my work memo pad. In my mind it was so clear: baking fresh bread, scone-like biscuits and cinnamon rolls every morning, and crafting banana cream pies, deep-dish apple pies and batch upon batch of pancake batter every day. All of my daydreams were a world away from the never-changing schedule of procedures, plans and paperwork that my current job entailed. When Aidan and I rekindled our relationship, maybe this time I would share it with him. Besides, Aidan was lovely and whenever we had been together, we’d always been happy. Our version of happy, anyway …

Vicky left the meeting room first, making an expert job of engaging Connie in conversation. Seeing the coast was clear, I ducked out and sprinted through the main office to Aidan’s door at the other end. Outside, I paused, checking my reflection in the darkened window of the empty office next door. Not bad, Sullivan , I told myself. My dark-blonde hair was neatly back from my face, making the most of my cheekbones and deep green eyes, and the suit I’d thrown on in a hurry after sleeping through two snoozes of my alarm that morning didn’t look too creased. Aidan wanted to see me , I reminded myself, not my choice of outfit. Straightening the hem of my jacket, I knocked.

‘Yes?’

I pushed the handle and peered around the door. ‘Hi. You wanted to see me?’ Play the game, Nell. Enjoy the chase …

Aidan’s blue eyes sparkled and he rose from his chair. ‘Yes. Yes, I did. You look … great, Nell.’

Yes I do, Aidan. ‘Thank you. As do you.’

‘Quick, come in and shut the door.’

I did as he asked, willing my heart rate to slow as images of the last time we’d got back together flashed across my mind – the passionate kisses, the locked door and the pot plant by his desk that never quite recovered from its sudden toppling … I took the seat opposite him and sat with my hands folded demurely in my lap. Aidan Matthews might want me back, but I was going to make him work for it. ‘So, here I am.’

‘Here you are …’ His lazy smile sashayed its way across his tanned features and I shifted a little to halt the forward route march of the butterflies in my stomach. Then he straightened and cleared his throat, the act so suddenly vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to leap across his desk and snog him for all I was worth.

‘Nell, there’s something I have to tell you. I’ve known since yesterday, and I have to say it came as somewhat of a shock to me. I honestly couldn’t have predicted this.’

You’re not the only one … ‘Really?’

His eyes were intent on me. ‘Really. I just – Nell, I don’t know how to say this, what words to use …’

My heart went out to him. ‘Aidan, I know. Just say it.’

A flash of confusion traversed his face. ‘You know? H-how do you …?’

Full of confidence, I smiled and leaned towards him. ‘I just do, Aidan. It’s written all over your face. So don’t worry about the right words: just say it.’

‘Wow.’ He looked bewildered but relieved at my invitation. ‘You’re being incredible about this – you are a wonderful woman …’

My smile broadened as I cast a quick glance in the direction of the not-so-healthy yucca plant by his desk. Prepare for another re-potting, plant …

‘… That’s why it’s such a tragedy we’re going to lose you.’

I don’t know what happened then: it was as if what Aidan said was usurped by the words the Aidan Matthews in my mind was at that moment expressing: I love you, Nell. I can’t fight it any more. Will you take me back …?

For a while the two Aidans faced off: one uttering irresistible words of love, the other retorting with – well, whatever it was he was saying that I couldn’t comprehend.

‘Nell? Say something, for heaven’s sake.’

I scrabbled my way back to the here and now. ‘I just … I thought … Sorry, what did you say?’

Aidan’s shoulders dropped and guilt stained his face. ‘I didn’t want you finding out at the same time as everybody else. Like I said, I only knew for definite yesterday and I almost told you after the briefing meeting. But we’ve been through so much together, you and I, that I just couldn’t bear the thought of you hearing it from anyone other than me. I care about you, you know that …’

His mouth was moving, but none of the words made any coherent sense. And then, slowly, like a pinprick of light piercing the darkness of a tunnel, the truth began to dawn.

‘You’re sacking me?’

‘I wouldn’t have put it like that, but …’

‘How else would you have put it, Aidan? You’re taking my job away!’

‘It’s not me personally, Nell …’

‘Well it feels like it.’

‘Of course you’ll feel that way. But at least it isn’t just you, honey …’

Rage pulsed through my body. ‘Oh that’s OK then! As long as I get to share the ignominy of redundancy with my colleagues! What kind of stupid, cruel logic is that?’

‘Try to keep your voice down, OK? I’m not meant to be telling you this.’

I snorted. ‘Well, lucky old me.’

He leapt from his chair and was suddenly beside me, his hands on my shoulders. ‘I know this is difficult. Believe me, I didn’t sleep last night agonising over how to tell you. But don’t you see, Nell? It’s out of my hands! I tried to speak up for you, but they’re rearranging the entire department. It’s come from top level – budget cuts and the recession have forced their hand. There’s nothing I can do.’

I bit back tears as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and hated myself for even caring what he thought of me. ‘What am I going to do?’ I begged him, my voice disgustingly weak and needy. ‘What about my rent? My car? How am I going to find another job that pays like this one? Nobody’s hiring at the moment.’

He stroked my cheek with his hand. ‘At least you’ll have your redundancy pay. They have to acknowledge the service you’ve given for six years. At least it’ll pay the bills for a couple of months … Believe me, there are people in a far worse situation than you in this department.’

This news did anything but comfort me. I glared at him. ‘Who else?’

‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Who else is being sacked, Aidan?’

He swallowed hard and I hated the shame I saw in his face. ‘Almost everyone. Nick will stay on as Chief Planning Officer, I’ll remain as Head of Department and Connie will be asked to become office manager for Parks and Recreation as well as Planning.’