Val McDermid - Kick Back

I put him out of his misery and took it from him. He looked as if I’d taken the weight of the world off his broad shoulders. I opened it up and ploughed through the mangled verbiage. The bottom line was he had £74,587.34 outstanding on a £100,000 loan and an overdraft of £6,325.67. The Royal Pennine Bank wanted their money back pronto, or they’d seize his home and his business. And their associate finance company would be writing to him separately, basically to tell him his punters wouldn’t be stiffing them for any more loans either. And I thought my bank manager wrote stroppy letters. I could see why Ted was looking gutted. ‘I see,’ I said. ‘And do you have any idea why they wrote this letter?’

He looked confused. ‘Well, I rang them up as soon as I got it, like you would. And they said they couldn’t discuss it on the phone, would I come in to see them. So I said I’d go in this morning. It wasn’t my local branch, you see; all the little branches come under the big branch in Stockport now, so I didn’t know the bloke who’d signed the letter or anything.’ He paused, waiting for something.

I nodded and smiled encouragingly. That seemed to do the trick.

‘Well, I went in, like I said, and I saw the chap that signed the letter. And I asked him what it was all about, and he said that if I checked my paperwork, I would see that he wasn’t obliged to give me a reason. Right stuffed shirt, he was. Then he said he wasn’t at liberty to discuss the bank’s confidential reasons for their decision. Well, I wasn’t happy with that, no way, because I’ve not missed a single payment on that loan, not in the four months I’ve had it, and I’ve reduced the overdraft by four grand over the last six months. I told him, I said, you’re not being fair to me. And he just shrugged and said he was sorry.’ Ted’s voice rose in outrage. I could see why.

‘So what happened then?’ I prompted.

‘Well, I’m afraid I lost my rag a bit, you know? I told him he wasn’t bloody sorry at all, and that I wasn’t going to leave matters there. Then I walked out.’

I struggled to keep a straight face. If that was Ted’s idea of losing his rag a bit, I could see that someone like Shelley was just what he needed. ‘You must have some idea of what’s behind this, Mr Barlow,’ I prodded.

He looked genuinely baffled as he shook his head. ‘I haven’t a clue. I’ve always given the bank what they were due when it were due. This loan, I took it out so I could expand the business. We’ve just moved into a new industrial unit at Cheadle Heath, but I knew business was going well enough to pay back the loan on time.’

‘Are you sure your orders haven’t dropped back because of the recession and the bank’s not just taking safety precautions?’ I hazarded.

He shook his head, his hand nervously heading for his jacket pocket. He stopped, guiltily. ‘Is it all right if I smoke?’ he asked.

‘Go right ahead,’ I responded. I got up to fetch him an ashtray. ‘You were saying? About the effects of the recession?’

He dabbed his cigarette nervously at his lips. ‘Well, to be honest, we’ve not seen it. I think what’s happening is that people who’ve been trying to sell their houses have kind of given up on the idea and decided to go for some improvements to the places they’re in already. You know, loft conversions for extra bedrooms, that kind of thing? Well, a lot of them go for conservatories, to give them an extra reception room, especially if they’ve got teenage kids. I mean, if a conservatory’s double-glazed and you stick a radiator in, it’s as warm as a room in the house in the winter. Our business is actually up on this time last year.’

I dragged out of him that he specialized in attaching conservatories to newish properties on the kind of estates where double-glazing salesmen used to graze like cattle. That way, he only ever had to produce a handful of designs in a few standard sizes, thus cutting his overheads to a minimum. He also concentrated on a relatively compact area: the south-west side of Manchester and over to Warrington new town, the little boxes capital of the North West. The two salesmen he employed brought in more than enough orders to keep the factory busy, Ted insisted.

‘And you’re absolutely positive that the bank gave you no idea why they are foreclosing?’ I demanded again, reluctant to believe they had been quite so bloody-minded.

He nodded, uncertainly, then said, ‘Well, he said something I didn’t understand.’

‘Can you remember exactly what that was?’ I asked in the tone of voice one uses with a particularly slow child.

He frowned as he struggled to remember. It was like watching an elephant crochet. ‘Well, he did say there was an unusual and unacceptably high default rate on the remortgages, but he wouldn’t say any more than that.’

‘The remortgages?’

‘People who can’t sell their houses often remortgage to get their hands on their capital. They use the conservatory as the excuse for the remortgage. But I don’t understand what that’s got to do with me,’ he said plaintively.

I wasn’t altogether sure that I did. But I knew a man who would. I wasn’t excited by Ted Barlow’s story, but I’d wrapped up the pharmaceuticals case in less time than I’d anticipated, so the week was looking slack. I thought it wouldn’t kill me to play around with his problem for a day or two. I was about to ask Ted to let Shelley have a list of his clients over the last few months when he finally grabbed my attention.

‘Well, I was that angry when I left the bank that I decided to go and see some of the people who had done a remortgage. I went back to the office and picked up the names and addresses and went over to Warrington. I went to four of the houses. Two of them were completely empty. And the other two had complete strangers living in them. But – and this is the really weird bit, Miss Brannigan – there were no conservatories there. They’d vanished. The conservatories had just disappeared.’

I took a deep breath. I have noticed that there are some people in this world who are congenitally incapable of telling a story that runs in a straight line from the beginning through the middle to the end, incorporating all the relevant points. Some of them win the Booker Prize, and that’s fine by me. I just wish they didn’t end up in my office. ‘Disappeared?’ I finally echoed, when it became clear Ted had shot his bolt.

He nodded. ‘That’s right. They’re just not there any more. And the people that are living in two of the houses swear blind there’s never been a conservatory there, not since they moved in a few months ago. The whole thing’s a complete mystery to me. That’s why I thought you might be able to help.’ If Shelley had been in the room, she’d have rolled over on her back at the look of trusting supplication on Ted Barlow’s face.

As it was, I was hooked. It’s not often I get a client with a genuine mystery to solve. And this gave me the added bonus of getting my own back on Ms Supercool. Watching Shelley jumping through hoops for Ted Barlow was going to be the best cabaret in town.

I leaned back in my chair. ‘OK, Ted. We’ll take a look at it. On one condition. I’m afraid that, since the bank’s stopped your line of credit, I’m going to have to ask you for a cash retainer.’