Jill Steeples - Hopelessly Devoted To You

‘I’m so sorry, Finn, but the thing is I can’t marry you.’

Finn tilted his head to the side, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his mouth twitching in anticipation of a smile.

‘Hey, where’s this come from? Pre-wedding nerves? It’s understandable.’ He moved across to scoop her into his embrace, but she recoiled from his touch, her body rigid.

‘No, don’t do that.’ She pushed him away with her hands. ‘Please. Sit down. It’s not pre-wedding nerves. It’s nothing like that. It’s just, it’s just…you. I mean us. I mean me. I can’t marry you, because, well, I don’t…love you.’

She said it very quickly and quietly, hoping he’d get the gist but not the detail.

‘It’s as simple as that. Sorry.’

Finn’s face flickered with confusion, his long enviable eyelashes blinking furiously.

‘Sorry?’ His lip actually curled up in disgust.

‘Yes, I’m sorry. About all this. Sorry for what I’ve just said. But that’s the way it is,’ she said, finding a resolve she hadn’t known she possessed. Such an inadequate word, Ruby thought now, as she heard herself babbling away. It didn’t even come close to expressing the guilt and despair and deep, deep sadness she was feeling. She couldn’t look Finn in the eye. Didn’t want to acknowledge the accusation and disbelief she knew she would find there.

‘I don’t understand.’ Finn’s voice was fractured, his expression troubled.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ruby hadn’t thought beyond telling Finn, hadn’t contemplated having to explain, to justify herself. She’d only thought about breaking the news and then it being over. Hadn’t he read the script? He was meant to go now, but he wasn’t showing any signs of making a move.

He stood up, his long body unfurling slowly. Thank God. Just go, Finn. Just walk out of the door and don’t look back. His strong broad frame suddenly looked much stronger and broader, his unmistakably masculine presence filling every corner of the room. He did one circuit of the table, his movements precise and calculated, his hands clasped together in front of him as though he were about to deliver his summing-up in an important court case.

‘I don’t get it. You don’t love me?’

He said the words as though he’d never heard them before. Certainly not in that order.

‘Help me out here, Ruby.’

He turned to look at her, a fire flaring in his eyes she didn’t recognise.

‘We’re getting married in a couple of months’ time. It’s what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it?’ He shook his head as though he was trying to make sense of it himself. ‘I love you with all my heart.’ He banged on his heart for demonstration purposes, which Ruby thought wasn’t entirely necessary. ‘Everything. I thought you loved me too.’

With his gaze fixed intently upon hers, all she could do was give a small shake of her head, unable to find any better, more suitable words.

‘You don’t love me?’

She shook her head again, not wanting to give him false hope, just wanting him to get the meaning of her message, which clearly he was struggling to understand. She dropped her gaze to the floor, not wanting to see the reproach in his eyes.

‘Jesus, Ruby! How long have you felt like this?’

Even if she couldn’t see his reproach, she could feel it.

‘Oh, great, I see.’ He held up his hand to stop her faltering reply. ‘That’s just fucking marvellous.’

Ruby could barely look as he ran his hands through his hair, his distress all too clear to see in his features. Her stomach tumbled. Even in his despair, he still managed to look breathtakingly handsome. Not appropriate, not now, she chided herself.

‘And you only decide now to tell me. Two months before we’re due to get married. On the day that I’m told I’m being made a partner as well. I have to say your timing’s absolutely fucking brilliant.’

She flinched. Finn didn’t swear, not in front of her at least. His raw aggression was something she’d never witnessed before. His simmering anger was palpable. She wasn’t certain she liked it. At this moment she longed for her sweet, adoring, charming Finn to make a reappearance, but she had a suspicion he’d left the building for good.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Stop saying sorry!’ He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘You’re not sorry!’ He flourished his arm in the air. ‘Have you any idea? I don’t think you can have, Ruby.’ His voice was tight, unrecognisable even. ‘Not to do something like this.’ He paused, the silence and distance between them deafening. ‘Well, I should go,’ he said, looking with regret at the charred remains of their dinner on the table, the charred remains of their relationship haunting the scene. He made for the door, before turning to look at Ruby. ‘If this is what you want, then we’ll need to cancel everything. Let people know. I’ll leave that to you, if you don’t mind.’

‘Yes, sure. I’ll sort it. Don’t worry about that. I’ll deal with everything, tell everybody.’ Ruby’s voice trailed away as she saw the utter defeat and humiliation in his eyes. Oh, no! What had she done? She wanted nothing more than to run to his side and throw her arms around his neck and tell him it had all been a terrible mistake. To rewind to where they’d been only an hour or so ago. Whatever had she been thinking?

He shook his head and stormed out of the front door. Ruby followed him, her heart racing in her chest, her mind throbbing with the enormity of what she’d done. Could she really let Finn walk out of her life for ever?

‘Finn!’ Her heartfelt call came from somewhere deep within her soul, surprising herself and Finn. She had no idea what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want him to leave, not yet.

‘What, Ruby?’ He’d reached the top of the staircase, one hand resting on the polished banister. He turned to look at her, but it was like looking at a stranger. There was a hardness in his eyes that she’d never seen before. Finn, the man she’d known for years and very nearly loved, liked an awful, awful lot actually now she came to think of it, was looking at her as though he hated her with every cell in his body. At that moment she wondered if she hadn’t actually loved him after all.

‘I… What I want to say…’ The words echoed around the communal hallway. ‘Do you want to come back inside? We can talk about it if you like. Work out what it is we’re going to do.’ Even as she said it, she knew it was probably one of the worst ideas she’d ever had.

‘No. Looks to me as though you’ve got it all worked out already, Ruby. I need to go.’

Finn’s hand loosened its grip on the stair rail. His broad frame moved away from her. She saw his foot teetering on the edge of the top step, saw it slip away from him, his leg buckling beneath him, propelling his crumpling figure forwards in an out-of-control somersault motion. She heard his small exclamation of surprise, the whole episode unfurling in painstakingly slow motion. Thump, thump, thump went his body down the stairwell, slowly, in Technicolor clarity until he landed at the bottom of the stairs, his head making a sickening crack on the stone floor.

‘Finn!’ she cried, her terror rooting her to the spot for one God-awful second before a desperate energy filled her veins and she dashed down the stairs to his side. His body was lifeless on the floor, a small pool of blood gathering at the side of his mouth. ‘Oh, God, Finn,’ she whispered, cradling his head in her hands, ‘what have I done?’

Chapter Three

‘What’s his name, love?’

‘Finn. Finn McRae.’ The ambulance arrived within seven minutes, the longest seven minutes of Ruby’s life. A lifetime in which she prayed to each and every conceivable god in the universe that if they would only ensure Finn’s well-being she would never ask for anything ever again. She wouldn’t moan about her lot, she wouldn’t take anybody or anything for granted and she wouldn’t do anything horrible to anyone ever again. Finn especially. She’d spend the rest of her life making it up to Finn, if only she could be given the chance. What she’d thought she didn’t want only a few hours ago, she wanted more now than anything she’d ever wanted in all her life. Finn couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to.