Kate Hewitt - Modern Romance April 2016

Jake covered her hand with the warm solidness of his. ‘You’ve made your own new life all by yourself. You didn’t need her to come back and screw it up.’

‘Not all by myself,’ Jaz said. ‘I’m not sure where I’d be if it hadn’t been for your parents.’ She waited a beat before adding, ‘Do you think you could have a look over my books some time? I’m happy to pay you.’

‘Sure, but you don’t have to pay me.’

‘I insist,’ Jaz said. ‘Your family has helped me enough. I don’t want to be seen as a charity case.’

Jake lightly buttered some toast and handed it to her. ‘One mouthful. It’ll help to settle your stomach.’

Jaz took the toast and bit, chewed and swallowed but it felt like she was swallowing a cotton ball. ‘Do you have it?’

‘Have what?’

‘Imposter syndrome?’

He smiled crookedly, as if the thought was highly amusing. ‘No.’

‘I suppose it was a silly question,’ she conceded. ‘Mr Confidence in all situations and with all people.’

A shadow passed over his features like a hand moving across a beam of light. ‘There have been times when I’ve doubted myself.’

‘Like when?’

‘At boarding school, especially in my senior year,’ he said, frowning slightly as he stirred his coffee. ‘I played the class clown card so often I lost sight of who I really was. It wasn’t until I left school and went to university that I finally found my feet and became my own person instead of being Julius’s badly behaved twin brother.’

Jaz had always seen Jake as a supremely confident person. He seemed to waltz through life with nary a care of what others thought of him. She was the total opposite. Her desperate desire to fit in had made her compromise herself more times than she cared to admit. Weren’t her three engagements proof of that? She had wanted to be normal. To belong to someone. To be wanted. ‘I guess it must be hard, being an identical twin and all,’ she said. ‘Everyone is always making comparisons between you and Julius.’

There was a small silence.

‘Yeah. We look the same but we’re not the same,’ Jake said. ‘Julius is much more grounded and focused than I am.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Jaz said. ‘You seem pretty grounded to me. You know what you want and go for it without letting anyone get in your way.’

He was frowning again as if a thought was wandering around in his head and he wasn’t quite sure where to park it. ‘But I don’t stick at stuff,’ he finally said. ‘Not for the long haul.’

‘But you’re happy living your life that way, aren’t you?’

After another moment of silence he gave her an absent smile. ‘Yeah, it works for me. Now, have a bit more toast. It’d be embarrassing if you were to faint just when it’s your chance to shine.’

* * *

Jaz did a last-minute check with the model for the gown she had prepared for the show. It was the first time any of her work would be worn by a professional model on a catwalk. The advertising she had done in the past had been still shots with models from an agency and a photographer who was a friend of a friend.

But this was different. This was her dream coming to life in front of her. Hundreds, possibly thousands or even millions, would see her design if the images went global. It would be the start of the expansion of her business she had planned since she had left design college.

Why then did she still feel like a fraud?

Because she was a fraud.

A fake.

Not because she didn’t know how to design and sew a beautiful wedding gown. But because she wasn’t in a committed relationship and the ring she was wearing on her finger was going to be handed back in two weeks’ time. She was like the blank-faced models wearing the wedding gowns. They weren’t really brides. They were acting a role.

Like she was acting a role.

She was pretending to be engaged to Jake when all she wanted was to be engaged to him for real. How had she not realised it until now? Or had she been shying away from it because it was a truth she hadn’t wanted to face?

She was in love with Jake.

Hadn’t she always been in love with him? As a child she had looked up to him as a fun older brother. He had been the playful twin, the one she could have a laugh with. Then when her female hormones had switched on she had wanted him as a woman wanted a man. But she hadn’t been a woman back then—she had been a child. He had respected that and kept his distance. Wasn’t that another reason why she loved him? He hadn’t exploited her youthful innocence. Yes, he hadn’t handled her crush with the greatest sensitivity, but at least he hadn’t taken advantage of her.

Jaz was done with acting. Done with pretending. How could she stretch this out another week or two? Jake wasn’t in love with her. Didn’t their conversation over breakfast confirm it? He was happy with the way his life was a single man. He would go back to that life as soon as their ‘engagement’ ended.

Jake said she could keep the ring but why would she do that? It was little more than a consolation prize. A parting gift. Every time she looked at it she would be reminded of what she wanted and couldn’t have. It might be enormous fun being with Jake. It might be wonderful to be his lover and feel the thrill of his desire and hers for him.

But what was she doing?

She was living a lie. That was what she was doing. Fooling people that she was in a real relationship with real hopes and dreams for the future. What future? Two weeks of fantastic, mind-blowing sex and then what? Jake would pull the plug on their relationship just like her three exes had done. She would be abandoned. Rejected. Left hanging. Alone.

Not this time. Not again.

This time she would take control. Do the right thing by herself and set the boundaries. Two weeks more of this and she would want it to be for ever. Good grief! She wanted it to be for ever now. That was how dangerous their fling had become. One night of amazing sex and she was posting the wedding invitations.

It was ridiculous.

She was ridiculous.

Jake wasn’t a ‘for ever’ type of guy. He wanted her but only for as long as it took to burn out their mutual attraction. How long would it take? He had set the limit at two weeks. Most of his relationships didn’t last two days. Why should she think she was so special? Sure they knew each other. They had a history of sorts. They would always be in each other’s lives in some way or another.

It would be best to end it now.

On her terms.

Before things got crazy. Crazier...because what was crazier than falling in love with a man just because you couldn’t have him? That was what she had done. It was pathological. She was in love with a man who didn’t—couldn’t—love her.

It was time to rewrite the script of her life. No longer would she fall for the wrong men. No longer would she settle for second best...even though there was no way she would ever describe Jake as second best. He was first best. The best. The most fabulous man she had ever known—but he wasn’t hers.

He wasn’t anyone’s.

It would break her heart to end their affair. Weird to think she’d thought her heart had been broken by her three failed engagements; none of them, even all of them put together, had made her feel anywhere near as sad as ending her fling with Jake.

It wasn’t just the sex. It was the way he made her feel as a person. He valued her. He understood her. He knew her doubts and insecurities. He had taught her to put the dark shadow of the past behind her. He protected her. He made her feel safe. He had helped her heal. His touch, his kisses, his glorious love-making, had made her fully embrace her femininity.

He had given her the gift of self-acceptance, but with that gift had come realisation. The realisation she could no longer pretend to be something she was not. She had to stop hiding behind social norms in order to feel accepted. If she never found love with a man who loved her equally, unreservedly and for ever, then she would be better off alone. Settling for anything less was settling for second best. It was compromising and self-limiting and would only bring further heartbreak in the end.