Elise Lanier - Treading Lightly

Acid rock came stabbing through the airwaves at a Concord-equivalent level of volume. And her already pounding temples were now pulsing in 4/4 time. “Great.”

She thought she’d heard the phone ring but wasn’t sure. The kitchen phone was LED-less.

“Hello?” she screamed into the phone. “What? I can’t hear you. Hang on a minute.”

She stormed down to Craig’s room, pounded her fists on the door and screamed, “Turn that down! I can’t hear whoever’s on the telephone!”

When the volume was turned down with no other comments coming forth, she stomped back to the kitchen to pick up the extension she had left on the table.

“Hello? I’m sorry. My son…”

“Can’t you control that boy, Janine? Letting him listen to stuff like that will send him right on the road to drugs and alcohol!”

She rolled her eyes heavenward. Thank you, God. This is exactly what I need right now. My mother, Attila the Hun, spouting off childrearing advice with the authority of Dr. Spock. “Mother,” she said softly, taking a deep breath while trying to fight the urge to scream. Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “It’s always a pleasure to hear from you, but Craig will not start drinking and doing drugs by listening to rock music. All the kids listen to this stuff.”

“And they’re all doing drugs! Don’t you read the paper or listen to the news?”

“Yes, Mother, on occasion I read the paper and listen to the news. But you can rest with assurance that Craig’s not doing those things because he listens to heavy metal.”

“Don’t patronize me, Janine. I watch Oprah! And I’ve seen him when he goes out to his druggie concerts with his cronies!”

Cronies? Who refers to preteens as cronies? “He and his friends have fun dressing up when they go to concerts, Mother. That’s all.”

“He wears more makeup than you do! Well, anyone wears more makeup than you do. You really should take more pride in your looks, Janine. You weren’t born with much, but you can remedy that with some makeup. Just ask your son! He’ll show you.”

She took another cleansing breath. It wasn’t working. The urge to scream Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! was still upon her. “It’s a little black kohl around his eyes for the funny effect of it, Mother.”

“Well it looks ghastly. And you shouldn’t let him do it. Any caring mother would not let their son go out of the house looking like that.”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “Thank you for your support, Mother, but it’s really harmless, and to be honest, I have to choose my fights with him now that he’s a budding teen, and that’s not one fight I want to waste my time or energy on.” She sighed audibly, hoping her mother would get the hint.

“Speaking of wasting your time and energy, Janine, as I was saying, you probably should take your son’s lead and think about wearing a little makeup yourself. You’re not getting any younger, dear, and no offense, but you can use all the help you can get in the looks department. You get your looks from your father’s side you know, not mine.”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “Yes, I know, Mother. You’ve been telling me for over forty years now.”

“Which goes to prove my point, dear. You’re getting older and you’re still unattached. And what man in his right mind will want an old, reclusive, irritable woman who doesn’t even attempt to make herself look attractive? Or at least as attractive as she could possibly make herself look—if she’d take some time and do something with her hair and her makeup. You can’t change what God gave you, dear, but there’s certainly enough beauty products and makeup out there that can help you take a shot at fixing what you weren’t born with.”

Janine smiled. This ought to get her. “I cut my hair off a few days ago.”

“What?” The older woman gasped. “Why would you do such a thing? Your hair was one of the only appealing things about you!”

“Why, thank you, Mother. And now I don’t even have that in my favor.”

“Oh my God! I know! Why would you do that, Janine?”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “I gave it to Locks of Love.”

“Who’s Loxa Luv? She sounds like a porn star. Why are you giving a porn star your hair?”

“Locks of Love, Mother. It’s an organization that makes wigs for teenage girls who lose their hair from medical problems.”

“But your hair was down past your waist!”

“Yes, Mother. I know.”

“How much did you cut off?”

“All of it.”

The older woman choked on her gasp.

“It’ll make a nice, long wig for some girl,” Janine added.

“You don’t even know who it will go to?”

“Nope.”

She heard her mother tsk a few times. “How could you do such a thing?”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “I was being generous and giving, Mother. A notion you may not be familiar with.”

“What do you look like now? Without your hair, you have nothing left. Nothing!”

“Why, thank you, Mother. As a matter of fact, you’re probably right. It’s short, cropped close to the head, and now that the weight is gone from it, it’s sprung like a thousand demented pogo sticks on crack.”

“Oh my God. It sounds gruesome!”

“Yes, Mother. I’d have to say that’s exactly how it looks.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re reclusive. No one has to see you.”

“Yes, Mother, I’m saving the world by staying indoors.”

“You don’t have any awards ceremonies or anything coming up do you, dear?”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “No, Mother. But thanks for pointing that out for me. It makes me feel a hell of a lot better to know I won’t be offending anyone while not getting any attention or accolades for my work.”

“Yes, dear. Glad I could help.”

Sarcasm was lost on the woman. “Do you have anything else to say to me, Mother? I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.”

“Oh, please, Janine. Don’t start overeating, too. Between your hair, your plummeting career and your difficult son, you don’t want to add to your misfortune by making yourself overweight!”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “I was talking metaphorically, not foodwise. I’ve got a lot of problems on my plate right now, Mother. And Craig is not difficult, Mother. He’s the perfect kid. So before you start ripping him apart like you do me, my advice is to say goodbye and hang up the phone before I give you a little piece of my mind on your parenting abilities.”

“No reason to get yourself in a huff, dear.”

“Yes, Mother, there is. You can say whatever you like about me, but when you cross the line and talk about my son, you’re overstepping your bounds, and you’d be wise to back off.”

“But I…”

Will you please be quiet and mind your own business, you insufferable witch! “Back off, Mother, and say goodbye.”

The older woman sighed. “Okay, Janine. I don’t know why you have to turn everything into a fight. I was only trying to give you advice based on some of my many years as a—”

“Goodbye, Mother,” she said as she hung up the phone on her mother, mid-sentence.

She hadn’t noticed that the music had stopped. Nor did she see Craig come out of his room, sliding along the hallway to the kitchen in his socks; so she was startled when he spoke. “You okay, Mom?”

Janine nodded. “Yes. I’m fine.”