Olivia Siegl - Bonkers

Normal – are you kidding me? There is nothing normal or day-to-day about harbouring a human stowaway in your body for nine months and then passing it through the eye of a needle that is your vagina. If you feel great and want to go to all the social engagements and gym classes going, fantastic! However, if the thought of keeping up appearances and making out that you feel blooming and bursting with energy is making you want to squeeze lemon onto the backs of your eyeballs, then just say no! Yes, the magic word that evaporates all the responsibilities and hassle of having to get ready in a bump-flattering outfit, paint on a smile and pretend that you wouldn’t rather be at home in your PJs, watching Corrie and eating chocolate biscuits.

4. ‘In my day there was none of this nonsense about what you should and shouldn’t be doing when pregnant.’

Yes, but you also had parent and baby books advising you that smoking was OK as long as it was in moderation! Obviously, there are some things that can now seem a bit OTT when it comes to all the things pregnant mums need to remember as out of bounds and harmful to themselves and their growing baby. However, some of these restrictions are there for a valid reason (aka medical advances) and just because they were not around thirty years ago does not mean that they are a scaremongering tactic or that as mums we are being fussy and overcautious if we abide by them. We are just doing what we have been advised is the best way to bring our baby into this world, so please don’t try and make us feel otherwise.

5. ‘Once you get that baby in your arms, everything will feel right.’

We all know that we need to keep ourselves fit and well throughout pregnancy, and that we need to prepare for childbirth through regular exercise and good nutrition. However, we don’t often take time to ensure we are taking care of our mental wellbeing. We are instead told that, once we become a mum, everything will just feel ‘right’. But what do we do if it doesn’t?

Both our bodies and our minds go through huge monumental changes whilst we are pregnant, and then when we become mums. Therefore, we need to make sure we take care of our mental health by ensuring that we talk about any anxieties and worries we may have, and by taking time out to rest. We have to make ourselves a priority by educating ourselves on maternal mental health illnesses – what they are and where to get the right help and support if we are suffering through pregnancy or following the birth of our baby. (For anyone needing support during pregnancy or after the birth of your baby then please see page 236–page 238 for support services you can access.)

6. ‘Ohhh let me have a feel!’

They come at you from out of nowhere. Before you know it, you have a pair of hands feeling and rubbing their way across your stomach whilst you look on in shock and dismay. And as your pregnancy and size of bump progresses, it seems you are fair game for anyone to have a grope. The worst are the totally inappropriate tummy terrorists who think that feeling the lower part of your bump is acceptable rather than verging on sexual harassment. ‘Don’t you realise your hands are sitting on the top of my vagina! Please get the hell away from me!’

7. ‘Wow you’re getting big!’

The only comment anyone should pass about the size of your bump or appearance during pregnancy is to tell you how great you look. I don’t care if you are the size of a hippo on steroids or are alternatively verging on the smaller side, no one should be passing comment – at least, not out loud and not to your face! Comments such as ‘Wow, you’re getting big’ should be met with ‘No shit Sherlock, I’m growing a human. What’s your excuse?’ And anyone who dares comment, ‘Wow you’re tiny, are you sure that’s normal?’ should be met with a kick to the shin.

8. ‘When can we come and stay?’

‘Hmmmm, you can’t!’. Visitors popping in for an hour is one thing. Hopefully, they will come bearing prepared meals and compliments and no expectations of being hosted, and then after whipping the hoover around and washing up their tea cups, they’ll be on their merry way. Overnight houseguests you don’t have to accept. You have become a mum, not a B & B!

9. ‘Oh you’re taking the easy way out and having an epidural?’

There is no ‘easy way’ out when you are trying to push a baby out of a small hole in your body. Fact. As mums-to-be we are bombarded with opinions about how we should be bringing our tiny human into the world, with our options graded from being hardcore and doing it drug-free to taking the easy way out by having an epidural or a C-section. Let me be the first to tell you that all of it is damn hardcore! Each option is challenging and scary as hell. No matter how you bring your tiny human into the world, you are a ROCK STAR!

10. ‘So, come on, tell me your baby names.’

DON’T DO IT! Seriously, no matter how strong the urge to spill the beans on the carefully planned names that both you and your partner have fallen in love with, keep them to yourself. Just one slightly off response of ‘Oh, really’ or ‘Wow, that’s a bit unusual’ will have you backtracking for the rest of your pregnancy.

11. ‘Ooh, make the most of your sleep/life/whatever – because when the baby comes, your life is over!’

Just shut the fuck up, will you!

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