Carmen Green - Valentine's Dream

“I loved Benson. He was too talented, too smart and much too young to die, but he’s gone. I’m trying to do the best I can for my kids and myself.”

Marjorie stood listening to Grace’s recital with interest, but skepticism was still apparent in her gaze. But by the time Grace had finished, Marjorie’s demeanor had changed. Her shoulders slumped, and she averted her eyes to hide the evidence of tears.

“Benson was my only child,” Marjorie moaned. “My...baby. Lord, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I miss him so much. He was my life.”

Grace took another moment to let her tumultuous feelings settle down. She was not unsympathetic to Marjorie’s loss. She sucked in a deep, calming breath and reached out to rub her mother-in-law’s arm. “I know you do.” Grace looked down at the head, with its synthetic hair, bowed in grief, and suddenly felt sorry for Benson’s mother. “Maybe I can bring the children over after Sunday school. I’ll call you later.”

Grace couldn’t stand to see any more of Marjorie’s pain, or to explore the bald assumptions that had been made about herself. There was no time to react fully to the astonishing news that she and Carter had been seen together that afternoon three years ago. The cold morning air gave her a jolt back to the present. Grace resolutely buried that singular memory. She drove away with her children, knowing now that the past was not so easy to let go of after all.

* * *

Grace took a quick glance at Madison, who was already laced up and on the ice with fifteen or so children his age. There were two ice attendants but no rambunctious teenagers to interfere or take over the PeeWee Period on the ice. Assured that he was okay, she bent to tie the laces on Becca’s ice skates. Suddenly, she felt a hand brush her shoulder. She swiveled her head and, in a state of disbelief, saw Carter looming over her. His sudden appearance was disconcerting.

“Carter,” Grace said. She went back to securing her daughter’s skates. She fumbled the laces and had to start over.

“Mommy, hurry up,” Becca complained.

“I’m almost done, honey.”

“I know I’m early, but I wanted to watch the kids skate. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Why should I? How did you find us?” Grace asked, getting to her feet and helping Becca stand on the double-edged training blades.

“I let my fingers do the looking. I searched online and this was the only public rink in the area. Hi, Becca. I’m Carter. Remember me?”

He held out his big hand to the little girl, who, after getting a reassuring nod from her mother, shyly put her hand in his to let Carter gently shake it.

“Hi,” she murmured, pulling free and looking up at her mother. “I want to go skate.”

“All right, but stay close to the side of the rink. I’ll be watching you, okay?”

Grace led her daughter to the entrance gate. She held Becca by both hands as the little girl stepped off the protective rubber matting and immediately lost her balance as her feet slipped out from under her. Grace pulled her upright and held her until she got her footing.

“Mommy, let go. I can do it by myself.”

Grace reluctantly did as she was asked, watching as her baby shuffled along the ice. Becca wasn’t going fast enough to be in any danger, and she was low enough to the ground that if she fell, there’d be minimum damage. Still, Grace hid her anxiety over her daughter’s safety.

“She’s pretty fearless.” Carter chuckled admirably, standing behind her.

Grace didn’t realize he was so close, as she was intent on making sure that Becca was managing. “Frighteningly so.” Grace sighed. “Madison! Keep an eye on Becca!”

“Okay,” he yelled back.

But Madison was involved in a game with several other boys to see who could spin around without falling. Not knowing the correct move, their actions consisted of trying to force their bodies to turn in one big effort, a movement that was unsteady and clumsy.

“I’m not going to look,” Grace murmured as she walked to a bench and sat facing the rink.

Carter laughed quietly but stood alone, watching the children. Assured that her children were doing fine without her, Grace returned her attention to Carter, checking him out. She realized that this was probably the very first time she’d seen Carter dressed down. He had on sturdy Timberland boots, corduroy slacks and a black turtleneck sweater. The rolled collar hugged his neck right up to his jaw and chin, and the stark color seemed particularly bold and attractive on him. Carter was hatless and stood with his leather coat gathered and tucked under one arm. He looked and seemed different. Somehow stronger and more solid than a few nights ago, when he’d materialized formally attired. It was strange to see the difference. But both times Grace recognized in Carter a man who was self-possessed and indomitable.

Watching him, however, she was also reminded of that strained conversation with Marjorie. And it wasn’t as if her mother-in-law was totally wrong, Grace conceded. She and Carter had hugged after the memorial service, although Marjorie’s spin on the situation was pretty nasty. And yet, Grace admitted to herself, there had been a brief moment when she’d wondered, What am I doing? What is Carter thinking?

It was equally disturbing to recall that when Benson had asked her to marry him, he’d said that he couldn’t wait for his best friend to meet his future wife. He’d told her that Carter was straight-up and dependable, worth going to the mat for. It was a very guy thing to say, and she’d found it funny at the time. Now she was finally coming around to seeing exactly what Benson had meant. What he’d said about Carter was true.

Carter turned to find her sitting on the bench. He slowly approached and sat next to her. He glanced at her, with humor brightening his eyes. The rink lights created glare on the lenses of his glasses so that all she could see was his smile.

“I bet your heart leaps into your throat every time you have to let them go off without you.”

“I want them to do things on their own and have fun. But I don’t want them to get hurt.”

“But they will. It’s part of going off without you. Why don’t you join them? Do you skate?”

“Not if I can help it. To be honest, I’m a little afraid that I’m the one who’ll get hurt and then I can’t take care of them. I mean, there is my father or Marjorie, but...”

“I think I’ll join them,” Carter suddenly announced. “Do you mind?”

Before she could tell him that wasn’t necessary, Carter had dumped his coat in her lap and marched off to rent skates. He came back, sat down again and laced up the skates. Afterward, he stood, took off his glasses and silently handed them to her. As he made his way to the entrance gate, Grace was struck by how much taller he was in skates. Gigantic. They made him appear invincible. She also noticed that he stepped onto the ice with amazing confidence, although it was quickly apparent that he moved with the stiff, careful gait of an adult trying to overcome inexperience and lack of control.

Grace got up from the bench to stand closer to the rink so she could observe through the Plexiglas barrier. She was curious and followed Carter’s progress. He seemed to be deliberately headed for her kids. She spotted Madison showing off as he awkwardly skated backward in front of his sister, teasing her, while she scuttled along trying to catch him. Carter caught up to them, stopping to speak. Grace could see Carter reintroducing himself and then holding out his hand to Madison. The boy listened and then looked to her for guidance. Grace raised her hand and waved, signaling her okay.

Madison shook Carter’s hand. In the meantime, Becca, who unable to grab ahold of her brother, had nothing to help steady her as her arms flayed and she fell. Carter, not much more steady himself, nonetheless bent to lift her back to her skates and then released her. Grace raised her brows and grinned. How smart of him not to patronize the kids.