Joan Wolf - To The Castle

She felt like a stranger still as she rode across the bridge, over the moat and under the great iron portcullis that sealed the gate at night and in times of trouble. The cavalcade of horses crossed the huge expanse of the outer bailey, passed through a second gate into the inner bailey, and came to a halt in front of the great stone castle. The knights, who wore mail shirts called hauberks and helmets with the nose guards up, dismounted, and one of them came to lift Nell down from her saddle. Her knees buckled a little when she touched the ground and he reached out quickly to steady her.

“I’m all right,” Nell told the knight, who was young and brown-eyed. “I just have never had the opportunity to do much riding.”

“You did very well, my lady,” he said.

“Come along, Nell,” her mother called. “Don’t stand there dawdling.”

Nell went immediately to her mother and aunt and followed them into the Great Hall, which took up more than half the space of the castle’s ground floor. Nell had been awed by the size of the Great Hall when she had come home two days ago, and she looked around now, still surprised by its immensity and by the colorful painted wall hangings that adorned the high stone walls. At the convent, rooms were small and the stone walls were bare except for a crucifix.

Her father, Lord Raoul, and her mother, Lady Alice, moved toward the chairs that were pulled up in front of the fireplace and Nell and her aunt followed.

“I think we could all use some wine,” Alida said.

“Yes,” the earl said. “Send for some.”

Two young pages sat on a bench along the wall and Lady Alice said peremptorily, “Robin, go and fetch some wine for us.”

The boy jumped up and ran in the direction of the buttery, where the drinks were kept.

Nell looked at her father, who sat in the largest chair with his legs stretched out in front of him. He did not speak and the others respected his silence. Nell looked down at her lap and folded her hands.

The page came back bearing four goblets of wine on a silver tray. He served his lord first, then Lady Alice, Lady Alida and Nell. The earl and countess both took a long drink, but Nell sipped her wine tentatively. The novices in the convent drank ale with their meals; wine was something new to Nell.

“Well,” the earl said, when he had put his drink on the small table next to him. “So that’s that.”

“I can’t believe she’s gone,” Lady Alice said sadly. “I can’t believe that God could be so cruel.”

“God does what He damn well pleases,” the earl said.

Nell looked at her father with horrified eyes.

He caught her look and said harshly, “Despite what you may have heard in your convent, it’s true. There is no making sense of the tragedies in life. No religion can explain to me why I had to lose both my son and my daughter. God does what He damn well pleases and He doesn’t answer any questions.”

Nell tried to think what she could say to answer the earl’s shocking words. “It’s true that we can’t know the mind of God, but we must trust that there is a plan that we can’t understand,” she said, echoing words she had heard more than once in the convent.

“I don’t think I would want to understand a plan that would take my son and my daughter from me,” her father said, turning his grim look on her.

Nell bit her lip. He’s grieving, she thought excusingly. He doesn’t mean it.

Once more silence descended on the small group by the fire. Tears ran from her mother’s eyes and her father looked angry.

I wish I could comfort them, Nell thought with distress. I feel so useless here.

Her mother wiped her eyes and looked at her. “I don’t know what we’re going to do about clothes for you. You’re quite a bit smaller than Sybilla.”

“We can alter some of Sybilla’s gowns,” Alida said. “They will do until we can have her own clothes made.”

Clothes? Nell thought. She looked from her aunt to her mother in puzzlement. “Why should I need clothes, Mama? I have my habit.”

Her mother and father glanced at each other. Then the earl spoke. “You will not be going back to the convent, Nell. You are my only remaining child and you have a duty to your family. You will be remaining here at Bardney for the foreseeable future.”

Nell’s dark blue eyes grew huge. “I’m not going back to the convent? But I was to be professed as a nun in six months’ time!”

“You are not going to become a nun. You are now the heiress to the Earl of Lincoln—a far more important position than a mere nun could ever hope to attain.”

Nell felt as if she had been hit over the head. Her brain was utterly scattered. Not going back to the convent? But the convent had been her life!

The earl continued, “I will write to Mother Superior to tell her of my decision. We were wrong to send you there all those years ago. It’s true that God gave us a son, but then He took him away. I don’t owe God a daughter, as well. From now on you will be staying here, with us.”

Nell sat in her sister’s bedroom, surrounded by her sister’s things. The wooden trunks along the wall held Sybilla’s clothes; the coverings on the bed bore Sybilla’s monogram; the hangings on the stone wall were the product of her sister’s paintbrush. When her mother had put her in Sybilla’s room, Nell had assumed it was because all the other bedrooms were full. Now she realized it was because she had been designated to take Sybilla’s place.

But I’m not Sybilla, she thought rebelliously. My life has taken a different path.

She jumped up and went to the window. The busy outer bailey of Bardney lay spread before her, with men coming and going on castle business. Panic fluttered in her stomach.

I don’t belong here. This is not my home anymore.

Mother Superior won’t let me leave.

The thought took root in Nell’s shocked mind. For the past nine years she had dedicated herself to God. To be ripped so abruptly from her sacred purpose and returned to the secular world had stunned her and destroyed her sense of who she was.

Mother Superior would intercede with her father, convince him to leave Nell in the convent, where she had been so happy and so secure.

I must find a way to see Mother Superior.

But Nell was canny enough to realize that her father would not let her return to the convent if he thought she wanted Mother Superior to intercede for her. She had to think of another reason for wanting to return to St. Cecelia’s.

I’ll tell Father that I want to say goodbye to the nuns. Surely he won’t deny me that opportunity. After all, they have been my family for the last nine years.

Her idea had barely formed when the bedroom door opened and her mother came in.

“I don’t want you to wear that wimple at dinner,” Lady Alice said to Nell. “Take it off and let me see what your hair looks like.”

Reluctantly, Nell slowly removed her veil and wimple. Her brown hair was pulled back tight against her skull and fastened in a braid at the nape of her neck. It fell halfway down her back.

“Thank God they didn’t cut it,” her mother said, relieved.

“It was going to be cut when I took my vows,” Nell said.

“Well, you aren’t going to make your vows, so you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

Nell had never once worried about having her hair cut.

She thought she should try to get her mother on her side about visiting Mother Superior.

“Mama,” Nell said, as Lady Alice began to unravel Nell’s hair, “I want to go back to the convent to say goodbye to the nuns. They were very good to me and it would be churlish of me to go away without even a goodbye.”

“Good grief,” her mother said. “How often did you wash your hair? It’s greasy!”