Kitty Flanagan - 488 Rules for Life

It’s bad enough that you are a clown, please don’t try to talk it up by saying you are going to do some ‘clowning’ or that you learned ‘to clown’ in Paris.

76

Feed is not a noun

And should never be used as such, as in: ‘Hey, do you want to go for a feed?’ (Farmers are the obvious exception to this rule.)

77

Don’t refer to your wife as ‘ the boss’

As in ‘I’ll have to check with the boss.’ Apart from anything else, it’s almost always disingenuous and only ever cited by men who would overrule their ‘boss’ in a heartbeat if she said something that didn’t suit them.

78

Avoid using adjectives such as delicious or yummy in non - food contexts

For example, you can say, ‘This food is delicious.’ But you cannot say, ‘My, my, don’t you look yummy today.’

79

Don’t describe inanimate objects as ‘sexy’

A typeface isn’t sexy. Nor is an iPhone. Home renovation show judges are flagrant in their disregard for this rule, always referring to things like tap fittings or marble bench tops or even 2PAC polycarbonate cupboards as ‘sexy’.

80

Keep more ye olde words in circulation

Don’t try to keep up with the youth (see next section) instead, go back in time and choose words and phrases from the past. The English language is full of great gear and it’s good to keep words alive. Words like ‘stepping out’ and ‘courting’ are so much better than ‘hooking up’ or ‘getting with’. I have always preferred ‘paramour’ to boyfriend or girlfriend. And ‘poppycock’ speaks for itself—what a great word. And while the youth might refer to ‘pingas’ and ‘nangs’ (although they probably don’t anymore but they did at the time I wrote that sentence), I think when it comes to drug language you can’t go past words like ‘jazz-cabbage’ or indeed the very old-fashioned and rather quaint ‘pot’. The idea of going up to a dealer and asking for ‘three packets of pot, please’ really tickles me.

81

Wellness is not a word

I know this word is everywhere now, it’s inescapable, but it’s as dumb as saying ‘healthosity’ or ‘nutritionative’.

82

The word ‘budget’ should never be paired with any of the following

Seafood

Airline

Plastic surgery

Dental work

83

Don’t refer to your ‘tribe’

Unless you are from an indigenous culture and you genuinely have a tribe. Note, a beard and strident opinions about cold-pressed coffee do not constitute a tribe.

84

Adults do not get to say ‘din - dins’ or ‘nom - noms’

Remember, other people are trying to eat, don’t put them off their food.

85

Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’

To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement.

86

Poncewobble is a word, please use it

Every year the Macquarie Dictionary accepts a few new words into their dictionary and every year I wait for them to announce that ‘poncewobble’ is one of those words. Sadly, it hasn’t happened yet. I learned about poncewobbling from Jane Faure-Brac, whose brother invented the word sometime during the 1970s. I loved it the first time I heard it.

Poncewobble is a verb and it describes an action that will be recognised by anyone with siblings. Among siblings, there is always one who hoards their treats. Whether it’s Easter eggs, contents of showbags or even unopened Christmas presents, the canny hoarder hides their treats and pretends they’ve eaten them all and that they have nothing left. They may even actively encourage the other siblings to consume all their treats. When they have nothing left, the trickster then brings out all their goodies and takes great delight in eating them slowly in front of the others.

The act of hoarding and hiding with the sole aim of lording it over others later is called poncewobbling. And there’s always one poncewobbler (noun) in every family. I’m ashamed to say that in my family it was me. Poncewobbling can have an unfortunate and often unforeseen consequence, and that is when the parent steps in and makes the poncewobbler share their remaining treats with the siblings who have nothing left. Poncewobbling—be careful kids, it’s a risky business.

A word about the generation gap

Youth-speak is an area of language that changes faster than any other, therefore it’s difficult to make definitive rules about particular words you should or shouldn’t use. That’s because while youths are great inventers of words and phrases, they also dump those words as fast as they invent them. A basic rule of thumb for anyone over forty who wants to avoid looking out of touch is to listen closely to the vernacular of teenagers and then never use any of the words you just heard. Let the youth enjoy their own language, you have lots of other things, like financial stability and Facebook. (Which, of course, you totally stole from the youth because they were forced to drop it once all the parents and unhappy middle-aged married people discovered it and started using it to track down their high school sweethearts.) Act your age and maintain your dignity by sticking with language from your own era. As embarrassing as it may be to refer to something as ‘bitchin’ or ‘bodacious’, at least you just sound old, as opposed to old and try-hard.

Remember, if you have to ask a youth what the word means, you shouldn’t use it. I have listed a few examples here, but this is by no means a definitive list. Also, they were listed at the time of writing, which means that by the time of publication, they may well have disappeared into the vast abyss of discarded youth-speak. The fact that I have heard some of them creeping into use on television suggests they are already out.

Lit. For the record, I don’t know what it means. From the context in which I have heard it used, I gather it is something positive. But that’s as much as I can tell you. And again, it’s not my business to know. I’m well over forty.

* Editor’s note: The word ‘lit’ was recently spotted in a well-known fried chicken chain billboard so it’s safe to say ‘lit’ is now obsolete.

Dropped. Pertaining to music, such as a single or an album. If you grew up in a time when big black circles called records were released and shiny silver things called CDs came out , then you are too old to start telling me that someone’s new album is ‘dropping’. You should also never refer to ‘dropping a beat’. Ever.

Banging. You can’t erase your middle-agedness simply by listening to young people’s radio stations. Sure, you can tune in as a way of staying across current musical trends, but avoid repeating any of the language you hear spoken by the presenters such as ‘Wow, this shit is on fire’ and ‘That song is banging!’ Youth presenters, however, always drop their g’s so it would actually be pronounced bangin’, not that it matters because you won’t be saying it.

Nanginator. This is the name given to the equipment used to ‘do a nang’. Or at least it was for a few days in June 2019. Even though the kids will probably have moved on from doing nangs by the time this book comes out, I feel that the word ‘nanginator’ is so great, it deserves a public airing. If you want to know what a nang is, you’ll have to ask a teenager but if you want to purchase a nanginator, I happen to know they are available at most good kitchenware stores. Ask for them by name.