Nick Miller - Dance Like Everybody’s Watching!

Gunnersaurus is undoubtedly the most well-known mascot in football, so by that measure he’s obviously been a huge success. And he really is the best representative of mascots in the game, in that he’s inherently absolutely ridiculous, something most clearly displayed when he solemnly observes minute’s silences along with the Arsenal players.

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NAME POE

TEAM BALTIMORE RAVENS

SPORT AMERICAN FOOTBALL

YEARS ACTIVE 1998–PRESENT

STYLE A WINNING COMBINATION OF CUDDLY, CHILD-FRIENDLY AND MURDEROUS

FAMOUS FOR BEING NAMED AFTER A DARK 19TH-CENTURY WRITER

The Baltimore Ravens must have been in a bit of a bind when coming up with their mascot. It could hardly be anything other than a raven: the whole endeavour would have been a laughing stock if they’d gone off-piste and picked a lion or an otter or something. The problem being that ravens are inherently sinister creatures, associated more with lurking in the roofs of abandoned houses than being cuddly and loveable, which isn’t exactly the vibe you want from a character designed to entertain children.

The team is named after Baltimore resident Edgar Allan Poe’s poem ‘The Raven’, and in turn a couple of years after the team was established they unveiled not one but three mascots, all ravens, named Edgar, Allan and Poe. This merely added to Poe’s sinisterness, however, as in 2008 the other two were ‘retired’, which makes it sound very much like they were ‘retired’ by a ruthless sibling. But not to worry: they were replaced by two actual, live ravens, named ‘Rise’ and ‘Conquer’, which naturally made the trio much less terrifying.

Let’s not dance around this one. At some point – it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow or the day after – the chances are that Poe will kill us all in our sleep, while his sidekicks Rise and Conquer keep watch. We all must make our peace with this.

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NAME SAMMY THE SHRIMP

TEAM SOUTHEND UNITED

SPORT FOOTBALL

YEARS ACTIVE c.1980–PRESENT

STYLE BLISSED-OUT SEAFOOD ON THE ENGLISH COAST

FAMOUS FOR GETTING INVOLVED IN A TEAM INJURY CRISIS

They had a bit of a rethink about the Sammy the Shrimp costume recently. Just as well, really. Whichever way you sliced it, however generously you thought of it, no matter how pure you thought their intentions, it was difficult to look at the old Sammy with his tall, pointy head and see anything but a pink Ku Klux Klan hood. It was not, to say the least, the best look.

Now Sammy’s bonce has been rounded a little more, and he looks normal. Well, not normal: he’s a giant shrimp who dances around the football pitch in a town near the seaside in the south of England. There’s not much normal about that. It’s also pretty funny that they replaced Sammy’s previously quite human-looking hands with some more shrimpy pincers. You know, for realism’s sake.

Sammy has been an integral part of the Southend family for some time, but he took things to another level in 2018 when he – or at least the man inside the shrimp costume – became involved in an injury crisis, joining ten players in the treatment room after damaging a disc in his back. Don’t worry, though. He got treatment from the club physiotherapist and was back in action shortly afterwards.

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NAME WALLY

TEAM BOSTON RED SOX

SPORT BASEBALL

YEARS ACTIVE 1997–PRESENT

STYLE FRIEND TO THE CHILDREN, ENEMY TO THE GRUMPY NATIVES

FAMOUS FOR SUPPOSEDLY LIVING INSIDE THE LEFT-FIELD WALL AT FENWAY PARK

Boston sports fans have a reputation for being … how to put this … salty. No nonsense. Bad tempered, even. So you can imagine the reception when, on opening day of the 1997 season, a 6ft-tall green cuddly toy emerged onto the field at Fenway Park to throw the ceremonial first pitch.

Fenway is famous for the giant wall in left field, latterly known as the ‘Green Monster’. So you can imagine the brainstorming meeting the Red Sox bods had when trying to come up with a concept for their new family-friendly, cuddly mascot. ‘So you’re saying we have a WALL, called the GREEN MONSTER in our park … I have no idea what we should call our mascot, nor what colour he should be or the type of creature.’

Actually, what they lacked in originality for the name, they made up for in back story. Wally had supposedly lived in the Green Monster since 1947, which, given he was introduced to a semi-enthusiastic public in 1997, meant he had just been sitting there doing nothing for 50 years. Pretty creepy. Still, Red Sox stalwart and broadcaster Jerry Remy has written five whole books about the adventures of Wally, plus he has a drink at Dunkin’ Donuts named after him and once featured in a specifically commissioned cartoon. None of which has stopped the locals using language that would make a docker blush about him, though.

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NAME H’ANGUS THE MONKEY

TEAM HARTLEPOOL UNITED

SPORT FOOTBALL

YEARS ACTIVE 1999–PRESENT

STYLE CROSS-EYED REJECT FROM PLANET OF THE APES

FAMOUS FOR BEING ELECTED AS MAYOR OF HARTLEPOOL

Most mascots have a concocted back story, but the origin tale of H’Angus the Monkey is darker than most. The residents of Hartlepool are breezily known in some quarters as ‘monkey hangers’, something based on an old myth that, when a French ship ran aground near the town during the Napoleonic Wars, the only survivor was a monkey that the crew had dressed in a sailor’s uniform. Having seen neither a Frenchman nor a monkey before, the people of the town supposedly assumed the creature was a French spy, and it was duly hanged.

Thus, H’Angus the Monkey. Cheery stuff. Perhaps with this grim tale in mind, H’Angus developed a reputation for ‘anarchic’ behaviour, which included but was not limited to simulating copulation with a female steward, and being kicked out of Blackpool’s ground amid suspicion he had taken drink.