Linda Warren - Always a Mother

“Oh, yeah.” Gwen flung out a hand, the diamonds on her fingers sparkling. “He’s off having the time of his life while you’re here pregnant and working.”

“Please leave.”

“Claire, it’s not too late. You can give up the child for adoption and go on with your life. Remember how we talked about you joining my old sorority and—”

“Do you really think I could carry this child for nine months and just give it away?”

“Claire…”

“Please leave—now.” She was losing her temper and the tight rein she had on her emotions.

Gwen shoved the money at her. “Take it.”

“No thanks. Dean and I are doing fine.”

Her mother glanced around the small apartment. “I would hardly call this fine.”

Bunny stepped around Claire. “You’d better leave before I plant my foot in your snobby mouth.”

“How dare you?” Gwen spluttered.

“Mom, just leave,” Claire said, knowing her mother-in-law was getting angry.

Gwen whirled away and left.

As Bunny closed the door, she said, “She’s right, you know. You don’t need to be working.”

“Whose side are you on?” Claire slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder and winced as a pain shot up her back.

“I don’t think you have to ask that.”

“No.” Bunny was unwavering in her support.

She studied Claire for a moment. “Stay home until the baby comes, and I’ll buy the groceries and pay the bills.”

Claire lifted an eyebrow. “You’ll work two shifts, right?”

“Done it before and I can do it again.”

Claire hugged her. “Thanks. But we’ll manage.”

“You’re so stubborn.”

At the fast-food place, she continued to have contractions. At times they were so bad she couldn’t concentrate. Her eyes were glued to the clock. The team was due to land at the airport at eleven. She couldn’t have the baby until Dean arrived.

At ten forty-five she collapsed into a ball of pain, and the manager called an ambulance.

The next thing she knew they were at the hospital. “Mrs. Rennels, are you ready to have this baby?” the doctor asked.

“No.” She hissed between contractions. “No. My husband’s not here.”

“I don’t think the baby’s going to wait.”

Bunny came running in. The manager had phoned her. “How are you, sugar?”

“Dean. I need Dean.” The words came out as a pathetic cry, but Claire couldn’t help it.

“I just spoke to him. He’s on his way from the airport.”

“Okay.” She could breathe normally now. Dean was coming.

A pain ripped through her abdomen, and it took all the strength she had not to push or scream or cry.

“Mrs. Rennels, it’s time to push,” the doctor said.

“I can’t. My husband’s not here. Please…” A wail erupted from her throat.

“Mrs. Rennels…”

Loud voices could be heard in the hall and then Dean came charging in. “Claire.” He kissed her face over and over. “Thank God I made it. I was so afraid…”

Claire let out a long breath. “Me, too.” She drew on her last ounce of strength. “Okay. I’m ready to have our baby.”

Fifteen minutes later, Dean placed their baby daughter into her arms. A feeling of pride and love suffused her. But a part of her grieved that her parents weren’t here to share this miracle. This precious gift.

“She’s so tiny,” she whispered weakly.

“And perfect,” Dean said with pride. “Ten toes. Ten fingers. And the most precious little face. She looks just like you. Absolutely beautiful.”

“You think so?”

“You bet. What are we going to name her?”

Claire studied the precious bundle in her arms. “How about Sarah Margaret? After Bunny. What do you think?”

“Oh, honey. Mom will be so excited. It’s perfect.”

“Yes…”

Fatigue overwhelmed Claire and her eyes drooped, but in that instant, with her baby in her arms and Dean smiling at her, she knew she’d made the right choice.

AS DEAN DROVE TOWARD Lake Travis, the bright Texas sun dimmed to twilight gray. Darkness would soon blanket the hills and Claire still hadn’t called. If she couldn’t get him at home, she’d try his cell. But so far nothing. He knew something was really wrong.

For once everything was right in their world. Both their daughters were on their own. Their youngest, Sami, already had a job at a school in the nearby town of Round Rock. Both girls had received the education Claire and Dean had wanted for them. And now Claire had the time he’d always wanted for her—time for herself—to earn that college degree.

Ten days and her dream would start becoming a reality. His own college days had been one big guilt trip. He’d been away at games, traveling, while Claire was at home working and taking care of a new baby.

It wasn’t long after Sarah was born that they noticed the wheezing. She was also phlegmy, with a constant cold and cough. At times she didn’t want to nurse. Claire was continually in the doctor’s office with her. The pediatrician kept her on antibiotics, and they worried about their baby taking so much medication.

Then the ear infections started, and Sarah was hospitalized twice for pneumonia. Claire got very little sleep because the baby needed lots of attention. That made her load heavier, but she’d never complained. Several nights Dean found her in the rocker, crying and holding Sarah. Claire was worried something was really wrong with their child and the doctors couldn’t find it. Dean was worried, too. He would sit and hold both of them until the morning light. That was all he could do, and at times he felt so helpless.

The first few months, Claire couldn’t work, and lost her jobs. His mother helped, and Dean tried to take care of Sarah at night. But Claire always seemed to be awake.

At times it was a struggle for Sarah to breathe. Claire did tons of research and insisted on a diagnosis. The doctor suspected she had asthma, but said Sarah was too little for him to know for sure. He said her airways were inflamed, and would heal with antibiotics and time.

That wasn’t good enough for Claire and Dean, and they immediately switched doctors. Sarah was put on a nebulizer machine for albuterol treatments. It plugged into the wall and had tubing and a mask that went over her nose and mouth. The medication went into the machine and Sarah breathed it in. They saw results almost immediately.

The new doctor agreed that Sarah had asthma, and said that some children grow out of it. But at least their baby was getting better. Dean and Claire were so relieved.

It was a hard time, however. Sarah also had allergies, and Claire washed her bedding every day to get rid of dust mites. They covered the mattress and pillows with allergy covers and gave away all her stuffed toys. Bunny bought a humidifier because they couldn’t afford to.

Once they adjusted to Sarah and her needs, life settled down. Claire started tutoring students so she could stay at home. The pay was very good and it worked out well.

Dean had heard it said that you can’t live on love, but during those first few years they had very little else.

CLAIRE STARED AT THE phone, wanting to call Dean. She needed to hear his voice, but she wasn’t ready to tell him yet. She had to continue to examine her life alone—to measure the sacrifices she’d made. Were they sacrifices or was that what love was?

She opened a letter—one she’d written while waiting for Dean to come home from a football game, a time she’d questioned that sacrifice.

Dean,

Sarah had one of those days. Nothing seems to help her breathing and she’s fussy. I feel so helpless…

The page blurred.

November 12, 1983